Tuxedo Warrior

(1984) Tuxedo Warrior ACTION ADVENTURE

Co-written and directed by Andrew Sinclair directing the Zimbabwe setting equivalent of a "Casablanca" movie, staring John Wyman as Cliff taking the Humphrey Bogart role; Carol Royale taking the Ingrid Bergman role who plays Lisa, and John Terry as Wiley taking the Paul Henreid role, and finally Roy Boyd taking the Claude Rains role as Chief Inspector Andy Cliff moves to Zimbabwe to escape from a bitter breakup with a former flame, Lisa by opening up a bar/ casino but conveniently stumbles onto to him looking for an escape along with her already married husband while Zimbabwe authorities are searching for a small bag of stolen diamonds while at the same time while both Lisa and her husband are trying recover their passports.

Wow! I've spent the better part of a week plodding through this Zimbabwe lensed action-drama that just might be the sappiest tough guy film ever! John Wyman cashes in on his notoriety as a Bond villain in FOR YOUR EYES ONLY (1981) to star as Cliff, a gin-drinking bar owner who has a penchant for being moody and pissing off everyone except his monkey Crap Shot. Trouble falls into his lap twice when, first, Grigg (James Coburn, Jr.) gives him some stolen diamonds before dying and, second, old flame and gambling addict Lisa (Carol Royle) wants Cliff to get her and her wanted husband (John Terry) over the border. What is a histrionic tuxedo warrior to do?

With dreams of THE African QUEEN dancing in their heads, the filmmakers behind TUXEDO WARRIOR seem to have crafted a film from another era that is neatly dressed in 80s fashion. Director-writer Andrew Sinclair is solely to blame for this one as he pens some of the goofiest dialog outside of romance novels. This is what Lisa says to Cliff after they first make love (they are supposed to be madly in love): "You force me and I won't. And you still do and I will! You think you've won, but you haven't. You've lost. You're losing me. For a moment, yes, you got me and I love it. But then it's over and I remember I hate you!"

You had me at, "You force me." Seriously, nearly all of the dialogue is like that. To make things even better, Sinclair stages some unintentionally hilarious scenes as well like when Cliff gets the news (via courier) that Lisa is breaking up with him while in the break room at the dam he is constructing. He flips out and a brawl immediately erupts with everyone in the room before Cliff is subdued by a karate kick throwing co-worker. But this isn't all fun and games. This is serious, serious stuff and not for the weak of heart. Holly Palance (Jack's daughter) shows up for a bit as one of Cliff's jaded ex-lovers and Brit Cliff Twemlow pops up as a raspy voiced bouncer named Chaser.

Talk about misleading advertising! From the UK video box cover and stills and indeed the title of this, one would logically assume that this is some sort of James Bond style action yarn. In truth, nothing could be further from reality!

In fact this is an absolutely risible story of lost love, sex, gambling addiction, a monkey called Crap Shot(!) and some stolen diamonds!

To call this a confused mess would be complimentary! John Wyman (who played the seemingly indestructible Erich Kriegler in the James bond outing, For Your Eyes Only) headlines in this as a decidedly miserable and thoroughly unlikable sod called Cliff who devotes most of his time between alternatively guzzling whiskey and bedding women who he treats like sh- well, not very well to put it mildly (in one scene he even attempts to rape a woman!) The film also features Hawk The Slayer himself, John Terry, although sadly there's no sign of his Spirit sword in this (if only it would have flown into his hand so that he could have sliced up the rest of the cast!)

As it is, this is a monumentally awful, nonsensical and frankly interminable production that is incredibly difficult to sit through in its entirety. In fact I can say only two good things about this film: One is the beautiful scenery on display which is truly breathtaking and two is a completely retarded but amusing scene in which our 'hero' goes completely berserk in a bar after he receives a letter from a woman who has just left him (clever girl!)

Dreadful film, plain and simple.