Golden Needles

One of the more goofball artifacts of 70's martial arts action film nuttery.

A golden idol that serves as a model for special acupuncture needle placement is sought by all parties, both good and bad.

The lumbering, leaden anti-charm of Joe Don Baker, probably by now most famous for the awful "Mitchell" keenly eviscerated by MST3k, drains so much of the potential of what could have been a much more enjoyable "Mac Guffin with Kung Fu" fun fest.

Elizabeth Ashley does well in a somewhat one-dimensional role, much less thankless than all the Asian actors, who are either generic Baddies or Damsels-in-Distress (or ass-kicking Damsels).

Burgess Meredith seems to be having a lot of fun here, and fortunately livens up many of the scenes he has with Joe Don, Mister Anti-Charisma.

If they had just thrown in Scatman Crothers and Anthony Zerbe, you would have a Seventies jackpot.

The insane fight scene in the health club/gym or whatever it was, featuring a bunch of naked old guys taking a shower, boggles the mind, but hey, that were The Seventies, when anything that goes did.

And show me another film with both Ann Sothern and Jim Kelly in it. I don't think you'll find one.

Yes, if you haven't heard of this one, this is a ridiculous way to waste 90 minutes. But you will enjoy making fun of this.

This movie is like straight of Hong Kong. Going for the gold is good, but it is not a medal. It's a statue made from gold, containing needles to bring vibrancy. Used right, you're king of the world. Used wrong, you're dead. So many characters coming across the idol. Some good, some bad, some in-between. The one idol found turned out to be a copy. And a lot of money is out in stake. Now I have seen a lot of fight actions in the genre. Jim Kelly is the only non- Asian who is a martial artist. Cause he is trained by the Dragon: Bruce Lee. Joe Don Baker is just a brawler. He held his own in the film. Entertaining throughout the film is key.

2 out of 5 stars.

Director Robert Clouse's career has been overshadowed by 1973's "Enter the Dragon" which was in part, an attempt to incorporate elements of Chinese and Hong Kong cinema into the American formula. Some two decades before John Woo et.al made the leap to Hollywood, producer Raymond Chow (head of Golden Harvest) teamed with Clouse many times in the 1970s, repeatedly spiking cross-cultural martial arts and detective actioners. "Golden Needles" was another such attempt to fuse American and Hong Kong action film conventions: this film being a comedic, actionful, fantasy version of the classic "Maltese Falcon". Joe Don Baker starred as an American in Hong Kong, who for a favour and a price, attempts to track down a priceless idol. This idol is one of the strangest McGuffins in the movies: it is pierced by needles in a specific pattern, and if the acupuncture is performed on a man, in the same pattern as marked on the idol, renewed sexual vigour results. Thus, it is sought after by all manner of older men (including Burgess Meredith in one of his funniest roles). Whilst meant as entertainment, the film succeeds also as one of the strangest treatments of the theme of drug addiction so prevalent in 70s American film, and even Clouse's other work (especially "The Amsterdam Kill"). Boistered by an excellent, comical, music score by Lalo Schifrin, featuring piercing sounds to mimic the acupuncture motif, the film is an immensely enjoyable generic hybrid, free from pretension, and a shining example of B-movie pleasures. Self-consciously, and never heavy-handedly, Clouse uses the genre conventions to frame a study of the US cultural appropriation of foreign practices (the Asian connection being the supplier of heroin ironically enough). Progressively weirder and with a protagonist whose easy-going sense of adventure becomes ever more sobering as he proceeds, this film is a true oddity, and all the better for it. Clouse's handling serves as a neat reminder of the time when he was still an innovator in B-movies, instead of the mere imitator he had become by the beginning of the 1980s.

Despite bringing together a newly-born film star – Joe Don Baker, fresh from the box-office smash, WALKING TALL (1973) – and action director – Robert Clouse, of ENTER THE DRAGON (1973) fame – this a lamentably lackluster martial arts flick about the search for (or rather the chase after) a bronze statue which contains seven golden all-curing acupuncture needles which is craved by various parties.

Baker is a retired detective slumming it out in Hong Kong who is hired by an enterprising ‘cowgirl’ (Elizabeth Ashley) to look for the titular commodities on behalf of her mysterious employer. Baker comes in possession of the statue early on in the game but it is subsequently stolen from the house of an old Asian teacher of his who is murdered; consequently, he teams up with his colored partner Jim Kelly (saddled with an Afro hair-do typical of the era) in L.A. to go after the bad guys – with a little help from a butt-kicking Asian policewoman and her colleagues. Hollywood veterans Burgess Meredith (as the villainous old businessman who seeks immortality) and Ann Sothern (as a Hong Kong madam who takes punishment like a man to protect Baker) bring some much needed spice to the largely indifferent proceedings.

''Golden Needles'' was one of American International Pictures 20 year anniversary releases. A mixture of the then-popular Martial Arts genre with a ''Maltese Falcon'' like plot, it's a fast-moving, popcorn movie, the kind they used to make in the 40's. Starring Joe Don Baker (''Walking Tall'') and Elizabeth Ashley(''Rancho Deluxe''), the film spins an actionful tale, set in the seamy section of Hong Kong.Baker is a soldier of fortune-turned Antique Dealer, (or, maybe the other way around) who is hired by a mystery woman (Ashley) to steal a priceless ancient statue with the power to bestow long life (and sexual vigor) or instant death to he(or she) who owns it. Ashley herself has been cheated out of the statue by a powerful Chinese gang leader Roy Chiao) and she's after it for HER employer (a wizened Burgess Meredith, having a ball with his eccentric character). Karate star Jim Kelly (''Enter The Dragon'') appears briefly as Baker's partner in the Antique business. The legendary Ann Sothern is also aboard,and she's fine as another of Baker's pals, the tough but good-hearted proprietor of a seedy bar. Beautiful Frances Fong is around as well, as an agent for the Hong Kong government and also in pursuit of the statue.Double-crosses, fights, chases and mayhem ensue, but though the plot has more than it's share of threads, it is never confusing, thanks to ''Dragon's'' director, Robert Clouse, who treats it like the old-fashioned ''B'' movie it really is. Though produced on a low budget, as was the case with most American International movies,it looks like every penny spent is on the screen. The location photography is excellent, as is the classy art direction, and both lend plenty of atmosphere to the story.

The sets are also impressive,one in particular at the start of the film, is very reminiscent of the witch's lair in ''Suspiria'',but it pre-dates that film by 2 years. High praise goes to Lalo Schifrin's pulsating score as well. Though Meredith and Sothern were obviously added for their name value and have little to do,they, along with the rest of the cast seem to be enjoying themselves immensely,and if the viewer can suspend disbelief a bit and just go along with the story, they will, too. Previously available only in Canada, on a pan-and scan videotape, ''Golden Needles'' was released on DVD as part of the ''MGM DVD ON DEMAND'' series. It's presented in it's original Panavision format, with rich color and strong (if a bit grainy) picture quality. The sound is always intelligible,though slightly distorted here and there. But, all in all, it's a welcome release of a film that's been sadly neglected over the years. And one that may now get the attention it deserves.