7 asesinos en Hawai

This is the guy movie of guy movies. Lots of unnecessarily topless women, tough guys, dad jokes, and bang bang you're dead action.

The plot is a group of bad guys of the type who have BAD GUY stamped on their drivers license facing off against a one man army and his buddy Cowboy who rides in on a pony.

There's a persistent voice over who tells a complex, intricate plot. It has nothing to do with the onscreen action, but it would probably make for an interesting movie if acted out. The plot onscreen is very simple and easy to follow.

Many of the scenes feel spliced in from another movie, with different actors delivering action or comedic beats unrelated to our story. They're kind of like commercials except they're fun.

Everything looks and sounds seventies and at times sixties, which adds to the amusement.

Seven stars for seven.

This was Andy Sidaris' second film, and it follows the formula for all the ones that followed: spectacular scenery, even more spectacular women in various and frequent stages of nudity, good action scenes, goofy humor. The plot is about seven mobsters who get together and decide to take over Hawaii, and the government agent assigned to stop them. It's good to see big William Smith playing a good guy, and he seems to be enjoying himself (there's one scene, apparently unscripted but which Sidaris left in, where Smith is sitting, clothed, in a shower room and a gorgeous naked woman appears out of nowhere, sits down next to him and stares at him; Smith obviously wasn't expecting it and bursts out laughing, then looks offstage and shakes his head, as if to say, "Okay, you got me"). The cast is stocked with veteran character actors--Nick Georgiade, Art Metrano, Reggie Nalder--and everyone seems to be having a good time. So will you. It's a fun movie to watch. Pick it up if you can.

Watching some of Andy Sidaris' cheesy flicks of the late 70's and early 80's, you'd never know the man was a visionary in the sports television medium and a 7-time Emmy winner who directed the Olympics, Wide World of Sports and some of the early NFL telecasts. That said, "Seven" represents one of his better contributions to the B-movie genre. It boasts great scenery and the obligatory bevy of scantily-clad women that characterize a Sidaris film. And it's a treat for fans of William Smith, one of the most accomplished character actors of all time, who receives top billing and features him in the unfamiliar but welcome role of good guy.

Freelance mercenary Drew Savano (Smith) is called in by a government agent to wipe out mobsters bent on taking over the state of Hawaii. For a fee of $7 million dollars, Savano assembles seven specialists (hence the title), each with a different talent, to take on the mission. Though it takes a bit long for us to be introduced to each character and assigned their individual targets, it's worth the wait to watch just how these specialists- The Dragster, The Professor, The Indian, The Playmate, The Cowboy, The Comic, The Black Belt- will take out their quarry.

This movie won't remind anyone of Hamlet. Laughable dialog and various unconvincing characters (looking at Ed Parker with his bad hair and pot belly you'd never know the guy was a martial arts legend) make this more tongue-in-cheek than anything else, but it's just this approach- it's a "B" movie after all- that makes "Seven" an enjoyable watch. Lenny Montana, Art Medrano and Reggie Nalder are among the notable character actors lending their talents to "Seven". There's gorgeous former Playmate Susan Kiger and actress Barbara Leigh in bikinis for most of the movie. And Kwan Hi Lim, who seemingly appeared in every Hawaiian/Polynesian/Asian themed show covering two decades, skillfully portrays his usual oily villain.

Fun stuff from Andy Sidaris. Seven stars for "Seven"!

Has this movie got everything. God awful sexy women in bikinis, explosions, violence, stunts, and humor. It also has some of the baddest dudes you'll ever see. They're an elite cartel, and they're not idiots. The people, remorseless, if anyone is, know their work. But so do the seven agents out to stop them where in no less thirty minutes, their objectives must die. Clearly the best actor here is golden oldie, William Smith, as most of the others suck. Smith plays Drew Savanno. Just see how this guy lives, and you'll understand, why so many other people feel so angered, the way they have it. Drew, the head of this group, is the one that picks the others, and they're really an odd kettle of fish, hot, funny, smart, and deadly. We have the blackbelt, the cowboy and his lovely assistant, who looks so hot in a bikini, the drag racer, the other hottie, who's a real tease, again deadly. We have the musician, who's style of comedy sucks. And my favorite, the professor, a playboy type and a genius. Who else could design a rocket when fired miles away, could take out the baddie in a the car park of one of his favorite coffee houses. The prof scores with a hot waitress who works there, who has a tube of candy paste on hand, if ever caught in lovemaking. Seven never dulls. It's a smart thriller, as in the way the baddies are taken out, the limo explosion at the gas station, out yonder where the whole place goes up in flames, just proving horse shoes have other uses. I like the baddie on the skateboard, known as skater, who's like comic amusement for this cartel, deadly with a spear gun. You can't fault the plot, as in the ways things happen. It's tighter than a fishes bum. The blow up doll that emerges out of a doctors bag when opened at customs, the professor telling the customs guy to put her on the next plane, is one of my favorite parts. A young customs woman looks outways after him, as says, "Too much", as if stoned. But these words could almost describe this movie, it's encouraging cover with Smith holding a spear gun, and those hotties flanking him, is enough to suck you in. Seven is a cool action movie, but on a smart scale, and one movie that shouldn't be overlooked.

It's kind of daring, making an action flick that's defined by quirky personality over action or plot. Each killing that opens the film is performed in a unique and unusual manner; each antagonist to whom we're introduced has some special trait or style; each hand-picked "good guy" to whom we're introduced is larger than life and has some particular defining characteristic. All this, and the assemblage of the party, fills a bit more than the first third, but the "personality forward" ethos of the picture persists. The villains' scheme, as described by "kind of sort of" protagonist Drew, is indistinguishable from the modus operandi of modern political conservatives; we're assured within that first third or so the approach will continue through to the end, as our heroes apparently have a single half-hour window in which to neutralize each of their selected targets; and the reconnaissance and preparation that fills the second act is filled just as much with the same lighthearted soft focus of charismatic self-realization first, plot and action second.

And so it goes on down the line: women's bodies, gratuitous female nudity, cinematography, editing, acting, writing, direction, music, costume design, hair and makeup, stunts and effects, and more. If Steven Soderbergh's 'Ocean's eleven' series were about assassinations rather than heists, and if it leaned even more heavily into unabashed frivolity, it would look like Andy Sidaris' 'Seven.' For what it's worth, all this is actually is well done and entertaining, including those stunts, effects, and action sequences first and foremost, and even some of the music is a blast. The feature wants only to be a ridiculous romp, and it is most certainly that. Some facets are definitely a smidgen tiresome (would-be comedy never lands as well as it wants to), and others break with the general mirthful tone; it also never achieves any peak of humor or thrills. Still, overall it really is light, rather cheesy fun all of its own accord. As if filming in Hawaii and showing off the islands weren't indication enough, in every last contribution both behind the scenes and in front of the camera it's readily evident all involved were having a great time, and those feelings are ably passed on to the audience.

No one is ever going to confuse this movie for a must-see classic, but then, it also doesn't try to be. 'Seven' knows what it is, and it's happy to play in the space it has carved for itself. Within the last act we do get the promised action, and it looks terrific; the proceedings might never earn the laugh they want, but it's solidly amusing - and despite the cheeky attitude the title adopts from the very start, no one could ever accuse the participants of slouching with the work they turned in. Truth be told my expectations were mixed to low when I sat to watch, and I'm actually rather pleased with how good it turned out to be. Rounded out with unconventional stylization for the credits and any text to appear on the screen, this is even a tad clever in its own right. There's no need to go out of your way for 'Seven,' but if you do have the chance to watch and are looking for something fairly uninvolved, this is an enjoyable little lark that holds up reasonably well - and sometimes that's all a film needs to be.