Supertrain

Sure it was the 1970's and good taste took a vacation for a few years, but Supertrain did a decent job in providing escapist fare. As a high school junior, at the time, I looked forward to what else NBC might toss against the great broadcasting wall and pray stuck.

I guess that Fred Silverman decided to think `If we can't beat 'em, join 'em' with this dandy series from '79. Take one part `Love Boat', one part far fetched nuclear train, and add some `B' list stars, and you'll be rollin' in the ratings. Wrong!

I remember this series from back in the day and have refreshed m memory on Youtube recently. I thought the show sucied back in the day and my refresher did nothing to change that opinion. My question then and now is this: Why was the series set on a futuristic high speed Atomic ultra-luxury train (which was super expensive to builde as sets and models) and then hardly ever reference that fact in any meaningful ways? I mean, except for the pilot episode, the rest of the stories could have taken place in a hotel, resort or even a "Love Boat." There was never any justification for this to be on a train of any kind! Why didn't they play up the sci-fi part of it? Why didn't the fact that the cast is hurtling along at tremendous speed ever enter into the stories? Sure, they mention this stuff, but it never really matters. Just boring stories that could be taking place anywhere. SO much money SO stupidly wasted on SUCH a boring show. Incredible.

One of the reasons I remember 'Supertrain' was - it was *never* shown on British TV! Actually, this was quite a scandal at the time because the BBC (our public broadcasting channel, funded by a license fee charged to every household with a TV set) paid a huge sum to screen this before it even premiered in the USA. When it completely tanked, the BBC announced they wouldn't show it - after wasting millions in license payers' money.

There is, however, a sequel. About 1985 I was watching Saturday night ITV (the commercial channel) and on came a TV movie about a supertrain. It was a one-off, no series followed, and I think it may have been the pilot episode. I remember Keenan Wynn played the railroad executive who committed his company to building the Supertrain with all its special track, signalling, etc., knowing he was dying and wouldn't have to see it make a profit. It all ended with the villain hanging on to the outside of the train while the driver (a bit of a nutter who thought he was Casey Jones) took the train to maximum speed to shake him loose. I think the villain ended up flying through an observation car window.

It was pretty awful, but an interesting curiosity to see it turn up on a rival channel six years after all the BBC fuss.

Or that's what I'm guessing the pitch for this show was.

Back in the 70's, one of the biggest shows was in fact "The Love Boat" which was a series based on a movie by the same name. Every week a colorful cast of characters on a big cruise ship, nicknamed "The Love Boat" would have some adventures, people would fall in love, there'd be banter with the crew and everything would be wrapped up in an hour's time.

Then in 1976 there was a spoof of disaster movies called "The Big Bus". The story of a giant nuclear powered bus with amenities like a bowling alley, bar / lounge, swimming pool, captain's dining room and a way to not only wash but change the tires without stopping.

Combine the two and you have one of the biggest flops on network TV called "Supertrain". It's the Love Boat on tracks. But the makers of this show seem to have forgotten something, namely the plot. While the Love Boat was a cheese fest , there was still the semblance of a plot there. The characters had motivations and reasons to be there. Whereas on Supertrain, it was the train that was the actual star. Sure you got 70's mainstays like Lyle Waggoner and Steve Lawrence to do guest starring roles but they honestly felt tacked on more than anything else.

It was the most expensive TV show made, during that time at least, and this is what led to NBC losing a ton of cash and almost going bankrupt.

It's a bad show that really should stay dead and buried.

Correction: George Boone was originally played by Harrison Page, but following a timeline breach somewhere around Episode 2, all characters were retroactively replaced by Ernest Borgnine - including the women, the children, and the train itself.

By the season finale, everyone on Supertrain was Ernest Borgnine. It wasn't explained. It wasn't acknowledged. It just was.

The Borgnine Convergence

In the future, individuality collapses into a unified Borgnine Field, where every citizen has: * The face of a grizzled Navy vet, * The soul of a man who's seen Poseidon Adventure too many times, * And the laugh of someone who definitely eats lunch at 10:45 AM.

It's not reincarnation. It's Borgnification.

"In the beginning, there was one Ernest.

In the end, there will only be Borgnine."

• Book of Ratings, Chapter 13, Supertrain Edition.