The Norseman

This is an appalling film, and worth watching for that very reason. You'll struggle to buy a copy, and it probably isn't worth it, but in the UK we do get the occasional opportunity to see it on telly, so take them. This is a film with more ham than a Tesco deli counter, and Lee Majors, well, his own agent once described him as a 'somewhat limited actor'. The language - see my title, but to fully appreciate you'll have to hear the intonation in the movie itself, think Conan the Barbarian voiceovers - and the mock ritual and rite of Vikingness is hugely entertaining. Not unlike the sort of heavy metal that appeals to teenagers. Don't worry about history, it's irrelevant to this film - we all know the vikings must have been pretty sophisticated people, you'd have to be to conduct your trade from Teheran to St. Johns! And their business was arms and slaves, so they knew how to look after themselves. And this is not a film about sophisticated people. But the absolute star of this film is Jack Elam as the Death Dreamer, the wizard. The stereotypical shaman, Dr Samedi meets Don Juan meets Papa Lazarou. Honestly, folks, this movie is a hoot, but it is utter rubbish. If you want a quality viking flick, although again with questionable historical accuracy, go for The Vikings, with Kirk Douglas, Tony Curtis and a brilliant Ernest Borgnine. At least you'll care about the characters.

When you get a load of this casting mix and this plot, you're probably already preparing yourself for a dumb, silly and cheese ball period adventure. Much of the acting is less than stellar (yet entertaining in its own way), the accents (or lack thereof) priceless, and the action ridiculous. There's a fair bit of blood here for a PG rated flick, but overall this is a pretty "good" diversion on a crummy, politically incorrect, wholly inaccurate level.

The hilariously cast Lee Majors of 'The Six Million Dollar Man' and 'The Fall Guy' fame plays proud Norse warrior Thorvald, accompanying a group of his men to America (which they dub "Vineland"), where his father, the King (Mel Ferrer), had vanished previously. It turns out that dad had been abducted by the local Indian tribe, so the very slim story ends up turning into a "Norseman vs. Indians" series of battles. Also along for the ride are none other than Jack Elam as an old "wizard", Cornel Wilde as a Norseman named Ragnar, Christopher Connelly as Rolf, Jimmy Clem, a regular in the films of Charles B. Pierce ("The Legend of Boggy Creek", "The Town That Dreaded Sundown"), and the directors' son Chuck Pierce as Majors' younger brother. Sonny Bonos' third wife Susie Coelho plays the young Indian hottie who sympathizes with the Norsemen and betrays her tribe. And is that Kathleen Freeman as an old Indian woman? It sure is.

This is worthy of some hearty chuckles, thanks to the script (by Pierce Sr. himself) and performances. But it's not totally lacking in quality, with sharp Panavision photography by Robert Bethard and stirring, atmospheric music by Jaime Mendoza-Nava.

This may not be one of the directors' finer moments, but it's still fun to a degree.

Executive produced, uncredited, by Majors and his then wife, Farrah Fawcett.

Five out of 10.

A treasure trove of anachronism, continuity errors and baaaaaaaaaad acting. So bad it's wonderful. Who knew there were black vikings, or that vikings wore wristwatches? A genuine treat. You'll laugh your butt off.

They could have at least tried to make this funnier if they weren't going to make it competently. But then this IS a Charles B. Pierce film, and a 'Fawcett-Majors Presentation' featuring Pierce's son, little Chuck, and starring Lee Majors as Thorvald. You can't expect much with that pedigree, but we're in John Wayne 'The Conqueror' territory here. C'mon now, Lee Majors as a viking? What were they thinking? And seeing as it stars the erstwhile Six-Million-Dollar Man, it pays homage to that series by including plenty of slow-mo action scenes. All you need is the now classic ditta-ditta-ditta electronic sound effects to go with the slow-mo and you've got a laugh riot. But there is plenty to laugh at, including Majors' 70's porno-style moustache (no beard like everyone else, he's THE STAR, but I suppose he was willing to cover his upper lip as a concession to history). Then there is Jack Elam as a norse sorceror (guess Slim Pickens wasn't available) and Deacon Jones as a black viking (Spike Lee would approve, although historians might disagree). For those outside the U.S., Jones was a football player, and the filmmakers, out of fairness, also cast a white ex-football player (Fred Biletnikoff) as a fellow norseman. There is also a pretty girl along for the ride in Susie Coehlo, although she spends too much time with a pair of blinded norsemen who sport some of the most unfortunate hairpieces you've ever witnessed. Thankfully for Cornel Wilde, he is so buried in hair that he is virtually unrecognizable and therefore, in one sense, he's not really in this movie. Unfortunately, Lee Majors IS in this movie, and worst of all, is the star. It's hard to tell which is more wooden, his ship or his acting. Yep, it's his acting. In fact, it's probably an inside game for casting agents to challenge each other to find a more wooden star than Majors. He's the champ! He could hire himself out as a Termite Whisperer. Needless to say, this junk is best avoided. You've been warned.

Isn't always sad to rediscover a memory from your childhood that you treasured greatly, but then finding it as an adult, and not being able to figure out how in the hell you possibly could have liked it in the first place. That's how I felt upon seeing this movie a while back. I can recall vividly when I went and saw this movie when I was ten, and my friends and I being blown away by it. In fact I saw it three times in one week. (no lie) When I saw it last, I pondered how could I not have seen the FATAL miscasting of Lee Majors. How I overlooked the black(!?) viking. Why did I not conceive that the plot for this was so laughably stupid (Vikings vs. American Indians). Sigh, it's a sad fact of life, the smarter you get, the DUMBER you realize you were.