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The Sidehackers, what can be said about this movie? After viewing it, not much. I would like to know whose bright idea it was to make a movie about motorcycle racing, and then ditch that idea altogether. Things start out bad, and it all goes down hill. Rommel (that magnificent SOB) enjoys the sport of sidehacking. Along comes J.C. who asks Rommel to ride with him on the circuit. Rommel declines and J.C. goes nuts. Starts talking about how he loved him, and how he treated Rommel like a brother. J.C.'s girlfriend comes on to Rommel, and after he turns her down, she calls him an SOB. Rommel's girlfriend is killed by J.C. and Rommel enlists the aid of a strong man, a bad joke telling hick, and Nero former emperor of Rome to find J.C. Well, they find him, Rommel and J.C. tussle and finally someone dies. The end. Now, why couldn't this have happened about fifty minutes earlier?

It has been more than 45 years since I was first ambushed by Sidehackers at our local drive-in theater while also attempting better living through chemistry (reference a Jimi Hendrix tune for specifics). Still, after all these years, I cannot pass up the chance to write a review of the worst movie ever made. I am now not a young man, mind you. I've seen hundreds, perhaps a thousand movies. None comes close to Sidehackers (as it was titled when I saw it). Senseless, disgusting violence. You got it. Misogyny, check. Zero redeeming social value. Absolutely. If you must watch this gawdawful monstrosity, I recommend only the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 version. And even Tom Servo and Crow can't make this worth your time. You'll feel better eating pistachio shells or pulling out hang nails. Trust me.

Some movies are badly made but somehow charming in their incompetence. Some movies are disturbing but thought-provoking. Some movies just plain stink, but are good for a laugh if you're sitting around with your buddies altering your brain chemistry with substances of varying degrees of legality.

Then there's "Sidehackers", starring Ross Hagen, the Budget Steve McQueen, who wears a ridiculous little hat, and races a motorcycle with a funny side car (the "sidehacking" of the title). Budget Steve also likes to frolic in the tall grass and grunt and gurgle and murmur with his adoring fiancee, the lovely Rita. But when B.S. gets on the wrong side of J.C. (Michael Pataki, who usually plays Cold-War-era Soviet bad guys of various types), he gets the beating of his life. As for Rita, ... well, I just would rather not talk about that. Anyway, Budget Steve vows revenge, and....

Oh, what's the point! This movie is so devoid of any meaning, it doesn't really even matter what happens next. Suffice to say that I've seen sick films, violent films, and gruesome films, but I've never seen anything as pointlessly nihilistic as this one. Sartre would be bummed out watching this movie!

Incredibly, Joel & the 'bots managed to make a side-splittingly funny MST300 episode out of this one. Guess it just goes to show you - existential nausea makes for great comedy!

This is on my 10 all-time bad movie list.

Definitely in the Manos: hand of fate pile of hard to watch movies. The sidehacking racing scenes are as boring as the driving scenes in Manos. This movie is terrible and should not be watched unless under the influence of heavy painkillers. Lighthearted scenes of playing in the grass, followed by sleeping pill racing with a sick story of revenge and loss. Very bad combo that does not work. The psycho (JC) does make you hate him though because he is so vile. Avoid unless you have a memory like 50 first dates or Clean Slate.

Is there any purpose to this wretched film? The long drown-out sidehacking scenes? When Rommel visits the artist? When Rommel hits Big Jake?

If Ross Hagen was attempting some profound message, he's completely lost me. Bad acting, bad ending. But beyond bad is the acting we get from three guys: Big Jake, Crap out, and Cooch/Gooch. I don't know where Ross Hagen found these guys and I don't WANT to know.

Is there any significance to J.C.'s name (Jesus Christ)? Perhaps I'm giving Mr. Hagen a bit too much credit. Extra demerits for an overly brutal rape scene.

"Number 9!"

I've seen almost all the bad movie classics. Most of the classics of bad cinema are bad because of low production values, bad acting and silly plots. No such luck here. The production values are adequate for the subject matter and the plot is fairly standard. Unfortunately, these are the things that make the classics entertaining.

What we're left with is a meandering script with a very standard plot, bad acting, and worst of all, incompetent direction. The movie is filled with long sequences, such as the sidehacking race from which it gets one of its titles, that add nothing to the plot or characters that couldn't have been accomplished in one tenth the time.

If that weren't enough, what little plot is stuck between these sequences is either difficult to follow or just doesn't make sense. For instance, at one point a character is killed and it took me a while to figure it out. Not that it was supposed to be a secret, the point just wasn't conveyed the way it was apparently intended. And throughout the whole movie, up to and including the end, I couldn't understand why the characters were doing the things they were doing. In the few places I did understand, I didn't get why they were going about it the way they were.

In short, this movie is incredibly bad, and not in any fun way. It's quite probably the worst movie I've ever seen. I would not recommend this to anyone for a straight viewing. The only way anyone will get any fun out of it is by ripping into it with friends or letting the professionals do it for them via the excellent MST3K treatment, which is available on DVD.

This movie shocked me. It shocked me over the time I wasted watching it, the very realistic trash performances, and of course...sidehacking. I have never heard of this sport. Plus, the beating of women, rape scene, and all out violence makes this a wonder to comprehend. Rommel is a grease monkey sidehacker and JC is the beatnik, alcohol swigging hepcat who puts on the trailer park performance in cinematic history. I think my favorite character was Jake. "He hit big Jake!!" Regardless of the dark ending, I'm glad I formed no rapport with anyone in this flop.

I saw this film on the cult riffing show Mystery Science Theater 3000 under the title of "The Sidehackers" which was not a very good title as the movie does start out as kind of an advertisement for this awesome new sport, but less than halfway in it changes over to a film about a guy trying to get revenge. Though, other than when it is on Mystery Science Theater it is probably more well known under the "Five the Hard Way" title. Not all that great of a film, but it is not as terrible as some of the films that were featured on the show.

The story starts off being kind of cheesy as it introduces us to the exciting new sport of Sidehacking, which has become so popular that most people have never heard of it unless they are fans of MST3K. Basically, you have a motorcycle with a sort of passenger cart, but instead of said passenger sitting he stands and leans into curves and such. Funny, as I do not really see how it is any more helpful than just simply just racing motorcycles as most motorcycles take turns better without the side hack. In fact, it looks like it slows down the race immensely rather than do anything exciting. About the only positive to say about the sport is that you may get to watch a person have his butt grounded up! Well, a man named Rommel is awesome at this rather bland sport and he runs a motorcycle repair shop where a man named JC comes in one day and takes an interest in the new sport and Rommel. Unfortunately for Rommel, JC's girlfriend also takes an interest in Rommel which is the cause of all the problems. Rommel and JC get along pretty good, but Rommel refuses to go on the road with JC and then to make matters worse, Rommel refuses to take the girlfriend away in a manner that ticks her off. He could have rejected her so much better by telling her she was great and all, but he had a fiancé. So the rejected girlfriend tells JC that Rommel put the moves on her and he beats down Rommel and kills Rommel's fiancé and thus Rommel tries to round up a bunch of guys to go after JC!

It made for a rather funny episode of MST3K; however, it was also kind of depressing. As bad as the movie was for the most part, you still felt bad for Rommel and wanted to see him get his revenge. At least I did. The jokes about the side hacking portion of the movie are funny and I love it when they were making fun of JC's henchman Cooch. I would almost like to see an uncut edition of the film as they had to have left out a couple of scenes as they show Rommel recruiting several men to take his revenge, but they also show a painter that did not join, but then had some kind of redneck type who did.

So a film that begins as an advertisement for a new sport that turns into a movie about getting revenge. Neither portion is particularly good; however, I would say the revenge portion is a bit better done as the parts with the motorcycles going around the track is about as exciting as seeing it in real life, which is to say, not very. At least the second portion had a groovy villain in JC and awesome henchmen that go, "I will do it". It also ends with a rather well done gunshot wound that looks rather good for the time, but it also makes this film rather depressing as the credits roll.

Oh yeah! Let's hear it for this bomb! Cooch! Did I not love him? MY OWN FLESH I DIDN'T LOVE BETTER!!!! But he had to say "Noooooooo".

Misteeophiles will surely know this one as one of the best films that joel and the bots did. It probably never would have been seen by any human being again after its release if not for their recycling cinematic madness. Thankee-sai!

BTW, I have a friend who's spent a lot of time in the Orient. He claims that sidehacking is alive and well in the Phillipine Islands. Long live the sport that never lived!

"Vince Rommel" (Ross Hagen) is a motorcycle mechanic who enjoys racing and is soon to be married to his fiancé "Rita" (Diane McBain). Then one morning a man named "J.C." (Michael Pataki) comes to his shop and asks if he can repair his motorcycle within a certain time-frame. After Rommel's business partner, "Luke" (Dick Merrifield) examines it he replies that they can fix it within a week or so which leaves J.C. quite impressed. At the same time J.C.'s girlfriend "Paisley" (Claire Polan) becomes attracted to Rommel and quickly becomes more and more infatuated with him as time passes. Rommel, on the other hand, is deeply committed to Rita and this creates a huge problem when Paisley comes on to him and is rejected. Now rather than reveal any more I will just say that I am somewhat puzzled as to the extremely low rating this picture has received on IMDb. While it certainly isn't a great movie by any means I have personally seen many other films in this particular sub-genre which were much worse. That aside, although I didn't especially care for the rather extended opening scene, I thought that the plot was interesting enough and all of the previously mentioned actors performed in an adequate manner. Likewise, while I also didn't quite care for the ending, at least it had some surprise value which I believe should also merit some recognition. In any case, although this movie definitely isn't Academy Award winning material, I still don't consider this movie to be as bad as some have stated and because of that I have rated it accordingly. Slightly below average.

It should be said that I watch a lot of Mystery Science Theater 3000. I think almost every film buff does. If you don't know, the movies are typically cheesy, low budget b-movies from the 1950s-1970s. They're not good movies (though a few make the exception), they're just laughably bad. This is what I thought would be the case with Sidehackers otherwise known as Five the Hard Way. I didn't expect it to be that good. But what I saw was probably one of the worst movies I've ever seen. I'm not even kidding. It was horrible. Not even the riffs could save it, and I've never seen a movie like that before. Even with something wretched like Manos: The Hands of Fate, Joel and the bots could still make it funny. With this, that almost doesn't happen. I'm not even saying that the riffs are bad. The biggest problem is that the movie takes itself way to seriously. Coleman Francis movies also took themselves too seriously, but whereas those movies would annoy you with their pretentiousness at the 10 minute mark, this film does it immediately. I don't know how to describe it. It tries to shove senseless violence into the plot without anything that even makes a good movie. So the best way to describe this movie is that it feels uncomfortable. Unsurprisingly the violence doesn't make it enjoyable because it's not done well and there's nothing of any substance to even it out. And I watched a censored television version so it was probably worse than that. Overall the movie is just depressing throughout. I really don't recommend it on any format but if you do watch it make it the MST3K.

Wow...I saw this in its MST3K form, so I missed out on the rape/murder scene. The film is terrible, even with that part cut out.

Let's see...it's about love....no, it's about feeling good...what is it about? I don't know myself. But the plot is that Rommel (the Desert Fox) is an upcoming participant of an upcoming sport called sidehacking (racing with a hastily-built and -welded sidecar).

One day in his feel-good life (a great job, a loving fiancée, who could ask for anything more?), a beatnik jerkoff named J.C. (stands for Jerked Chicken?) comes into town and after seeing Rommel race, decides he wants the magnificent bastard in his stunt group. Rommel doesn't wanna, and then sees J.C.'s other side--one of instability and womanizing. J.C.'s slutty, Nancy Sinatra-like girlfriend Paisley tries to get Rommy to take her away from the psycho, but he smartly says no. She gets upset and tries to make it look like he raped her. So, J.C. goes nuts again and kills and rapes Rommel's fiancée and beats him up.

After a long, boring recollection of the dead fiancée, Rommel decides to go get revenge. Unable to get the help of his co-worker, he hires the following (apparently the best he could do)--Nero, some former J.C. gang member who trusts nobody, Gooch (or is it Cooch?), another former J.C. compadre who is really a spy, Big Jake (a big lug who agrees to working after receiving a weak punch to his impenetrable abs), and Crapout--a stereotypical hick who makes terrible jokes ("Nuuuuumber 8!") and comes up with stupid ideas--like a large battering ram.

Anyway, Gooch arranges a meet between J.C.'s and Rommel's gang and after a brief interrogation of the spy, Rommel uses his great thinking and decides to go in anyway--with no guns! So, the battle ensues. Big Jake manages some henchmanlike kills then gets hit with a tomato gun. Cooch fails to bring Rommel in on his knees and J.C. kills him. Then Nero and Crapout ride around on a sidehack vehicle and (despite Rommel's orders) Crapout pulls out a revolver and manages to shoot all of J.C.'s goons.

Then, it's just between J.C. and Rommel...the fight rages on boringly and at the end, J.C. kills Rommel as the police arrive.

Wow...exciting? No? I didn't think so either...definitely MST3K-worthy.

Update--I have seen another edition of this film. The rape scene (more like flashbacks) is a bit brutal. Some of the other stuff removed from the MST3K episode was probably cut for time (like how Crapout gets involved in this--apparently he's an old friend of Rommel's and sometime jailbird). Another thing to note is MST3K's censors worked wonders in removing the 'n' word from one scene where J.C. blows up on Nero.

Why would an obscure biker film like "Five the Hard Way" (also known as "The Side Hackers") make it to the old Bottom 100 list* on IMDB? Well, a ton of movies made it there mostly because they were featured on "MSTK3000"....and truly deserving films like "Plan 9 From Outer Space" and "The Room" never made the list. Now I am not saying these are good films, but the show often took poor films and made you think they were terrible films...and I assume that's the case with this film. Who knows? Perhaps it is Bottom 100 worthy....and I had to find out for myself if it was really that incompetent.

The film is like two films put together. One is pretty neat....and that is the racing they do with a 'hack'...a sidecar like rig on a motorcycle. Watching these races was actually pretty exciting and I enjoyed this. The other is not so neat...in fact, it's boring. And this would be every time there is plot. The dialog and acting are very poor and the film is big on showing women being slapped around and molested...a big reason NOT to watch. But NONE of it is bad enough to make it even approach a Bottom 100 or possibly even Bottom 1000 list. No, this is ONLY due to its being featured on "MSTK3000"...which gives many the mistaken idea that just because a film made fun of means it's one of the worst films made. No...it means that it was a film they could get rights to show...and thousands of godawful films never got the "MSTK3000" treatment due to rights issues. I'd give this film a 3...which is bad but certainly NOT horrible. It isn't so much bad as very boring and limp. Plus, considering how cheaply it was made, it's actually still better than you'd expect.

*Some time ago, IMDB revamped the criteria for the list. Instead of just a few hundred votes, now a film needs a minimum of 10,000 votes...meaning obscure films were no longer on the list. As a result, most, if not all, of the "MSTK3000" entries were no longer eligible.

This is a horrible movie that can only be watched with the MST3K shadows going along with it. This movie would have received a 1 out of 10 but it was actually filmed in Perris, California, where I teach high school English. To my knowledge, it is the only movie ever filmed here. With horrific acting, a stupid plot, and an unnecessary rape scene, this film absolutely reeks. If you were to play a drinking game in which you took a shot for ever strained line of dialogue you would be hammered in 5 minutes... and dead in 10. The director clearly needed to pad the film as there are several unneeded scenes and the races take far too long to move the story forward.

Only, repeat, only watch this movie if you are a masochist. This is not a "so bad it's good" kind of movie. This is a "so bad it will make you feel dirty and ashamed" kind of movie. Thank you, Ross Hagen, for having the courage to put your sadistic fantasies of rape and torture on the silver screen.

After seeing this film, I have to wonder what people saw in sidehacking. Many people watch racing to see someone crash, but that doesn't happen in this movie. The sidehacking footage is just so repetitious that you have to wonder if it was the same scene shot from different camera angles. Ross Hagen, trying to be the anti-hero (even before the term was coined, mind you) fails miserably at it. The ending was appalling. Avoid this one unless you're watching MST3K.

This film is brutal, boring and just plain cheesy. It's technically two movies smashed together, the first is the entire "sidehacking" bit and the second is a murder story where Rommel's girlfriend is graphicly killed and he has to get back at J.C. someplace in the mountains with some other guys, including, a drunken hillbilly who tells bad jokes such as "Number 8!" And the ending makes no sense at all. The title "Five the Hard Way" doesn't seem to make sense to those who never heard of the song therefore labeling it dated. The alternate title of this film is "The Sidehackers" even though "sidehacking" is only seen in the first five minutes.

Avoid this stinker at all costs, unless of course, it's the Mystery Science Theater 3000 variation, which is one of the funniest episodes.