The Toy Box

Acquired for distribution rather than produced by Harry Novak's sexploitation outlet Box Office International, THE TOY BOX stands out from his catalog through sheer weirdness. An unholy hybrid of horror 'n' hooters, it was both written and directed with remarkable disregard for either common sense or continuity by Ron Garcia, who would foist the sleazy slasher SWINGERS MASSACRE onto unsuspecting Times Square audiences before garnering mainstream credibility and respectability as DoP for both cinema (David Lynch's unfairly lambasted TWIN PEAKS : FIRE WALK WITH ME) and TV (GILMORE GIRLS, of all things). For fans of the unwrapped female form, it also happens to contain one of the more impressive line-ups of soft-core starlets the era had to offer.

Honorary members of the swingin' set, big-haired boozy blonde Donna (Ann Myers, from the Don Davis flicks SWAMP GIRL and THE GOLDEN BOX) and her mustachioed man Ralph (Sean Kenney, who was in Bill Levey's endearing SLUMBER PARTY '57, rarely referenced beyond being the skeleton in Debra Winger's closet) are rehearsing the little psycho drama they will perform for the benefit of portly middle-aged peeper "Uncle" at his next gathering of money-grabbing sleaze balls, who receive monetary compensation in accordance to the excellence of their dirty display. Having possibly faked his own death, "Uncle" sits propped up in a chair and still talks in some weird disembodied voice without moving his lips, providing the ultimate thankless role for scuzzy character actor Jack King, who appeared in the man-eating carpet from outer space classic THE CREEPING TERROR as well as Joe Robertson's oddity MRS. STONE'S THING, best remembered for co-starring the incomparable Ed Wood as a decidedly frumpy cross-dresser. Most of the movie consists of little groups of people coming in, performing their brain-fried party piece and getting paid. Swedish sex starlet supreme Uschi Digard takes top honors for the indescribably strange spectacle of being pawed by an overly amorous bed. Yep, you read that right ! The preposterously tasteless necrophilia production number that has a butcher taking liberties with corpse Maria Arnold (a lovely brunette who made the occasional foray into fornication film territory with Lowell Picket's COZY COOL and Mike Weldon's GETTING OFF) surely ranks as a runner-up in the "I can't believe I just saw that" sweepstakes.

And so it goes, with little rhyme or reason. Ostensibly taking place in a locked-up mansion, one sequence occurs in the great outdoors even though characters have already been getting antsy about being trapped inside ! People die inexplicably, sometimes to be "magically" resurrected late in the proceedings, with parts of them (heads, usually) popping up at various places in the house for cheap shock value. Eventually, all is explained in a final revelation so jaw-dropping, pushing the film headlong into science fiction territory, you will find yourself wondering just what substance Garcia was on while concocting this mess, at its most magnificent when it makes no sense whatsoever, and where you might get ahold of some ! He seems to have literally thrown in anything he could think of to make an impression on what was clearly a shoestring budget, whether it made sense or not, well, usually not, as you have surely understood by now. It's exactly that "anything goes" motto that kept me watching, completely at a loss as to what to expect next. This doesn't necessarily make for what's traditionally considered a "good" movie as it's positively riddled with amateur acting and production shortcomings, neither of which should seriously detract from audience enjoyment by the way. Sex scenes are long and reasonably graphic though still on the safe side of simulation with a formidable female cast that further includes such true fan favorites as ravishing redhead Debbie Osborne (from Corey Allen's comparably twisted EROTIC ADVENTURES OF PINOCCHIO), curvaceous Kathy Hilton (among A.C. Stephen's COCKTAIL HOSTESSES), blond beauty Casey Lorrain (who went all the way in Richard Robinson's ADULTERY FOR FUN AND PROFIT) and a sadly under-employed Marsha Jordan, uncrowned queen of the nudies, making up in acres of skin what the movie lacks in artistry or coherence.

I would like to see the movie before I could give you a review.

The Toy Box (1971)

** 1/2 (out of 4)

Donna (Ann Myers) and Ralph (Sean Kenney) attend another one of Uncle's parties where he has people perform weird sex acts in exchange for getting to pick out a prize from "the toy box." At this party however it's quite different because Uncle is dead and the sex acts are going on around his body. Soon party members start to turn up dead.

THE TOY BOX was originally released by Harry Novak and it eventually founds itself on DVD thanks to those great folks at Something Weird Video. I'm not going to sit here and call this a must-see or a masterpiece but if you're a fan of the bizarre then you'll certainly want to check it out. The film has an ultra low-budget but at the same time there's no question that it has a weird atmosphere as well as an early mix of sex, nudity, drugs and various horror elements.

As far as the sexploitation goes, there's plenty of naked people messing around here as well as some really beautiful women. There's a mass orgy going on so you've got a lot of people running around naked and there are some nicely erotic moments throughout. One of the highlights happens early on when the virgin Donna pleases herself with a dildo. As far as the horror elements go, they're not the greatest in the world but we've got that low-budget atmosphere, a meat clever murder as well as plenty of fog to go around.

THE TOY BOX has one major sin and that's the fact that it clocks in at 89-minutes, which is way too long for this type of film. There's really not much of a story so the film drags very badly at spots. Still, the bizarre atmosphere makes it worth sitting through.

The Toy Box is something of a crossover between a porn flick and a mystery themed horror movie, and it doesn't manage to lampoon either of these two genres. However, that's not to say that this is necessarily a bad film; it's certainly not a particularly good one, but through it's bizarreness; there's something here worth watching. It's clear that the plot wasn't the foremost thing on director Ronald Víctor García's mind, so instead he just packed his film with sex, but there is a plot here and it focuses on a mysterious 'uncle' who hosts weird parties in which people are paid to perform erotic acts. This party is a bit different to usual as uncle's not there; or at least not alive and the guests must perform in front of his corpse. I can't say that this film is particularly erotic and that's why it doesn't succeed as a porn film. I've seen quite a lot of porn in my lifetime, however, so I can forgive this one for not being erotic and focus on the good things about the sex scenes - and the fact that they're weird and different to the norm is a good thing if you ask me because it means the film is a little different. Naturally the whole thing is completely inept and the acting is horrible, but obviously no one goes into a seventies porn expecting a masterpiece. There's a stupid twist at the end, but if you make it to the end of this film; you're unlikely to care by then anyway. Overall, I can't say that The Toy Box is brilliant or a must see, but it's better than I thought it would be and it comes somewhat recommended.

You might want to check into getting professional help. I have seen a lot of movies in my 30 something years and this was without a doubt the single worst film of them all. Absolute trash. Really the most retarded movie of all time. This movie makes other bad movies look like citizen kane. Horribly dubbed to the point of being pathetic. Honestly the XXX movies of the seventies have better stories, plots, acting, and dubbing. It is chock full of nudity which is fine by me but still cant make this garbage worth watching. After 30 minutes I had to skip to the end because it was sooooo , well stupid. I had seen other comments talking about the twist ending. It was just as incoherent as the rest of the movie. Honestly people this movie is that bad. I like cheesy horror movies but this movie is too stupid for words. A new word needs to be created to describe just how bad this movie is. I could take a cheap camcorder and make a better movie. I don't even think this movie would be interesting under the influence of LSD and thats bad. lol... Avoid this movie like the plague. Sorry to rant and rave but it really sucked that bad.