El semental italiano

Definition of a Z-grade porno in America; if Porno Holocaust didn't do it for you, then neither will this. Yes, Sylvester Stallone is in it, that's really the only reason any of us have seen it save for the few true-blue perverts who just snuck in the theater in the raincoats and fake glasses and noses. It even got retitled to capitalize on Stallone's fame in the late 70s, ironic since they had to cut out a lot of the "graphic sex". Even more pointless when seeing the film unedited - there is a lot of nudity and "fake" sex. And it is so fake, good un-Godly almighty, that it makes late night Cinemax like Hotel Erotica look like the damn Bard! Wow is this some bad sex on film - one can tell the director just said "alright then, just uh, roll around, smoke some weed, camera will roll, I got to go do number two in the bathroom, it'll be a while."

And, sure, there are some moments of hilarity, and not always just because of Stallone's non-half-assed acting... such as at different times his "method" includes a training montage at the kid's playground, getting into a sexual frenzy after his girlfriend Kitty bites his you-know-what and, yes, she gets aroused by him *whipping her with a belt, or Stud's random moments of pre-Rambo "AAH!" anger that at one point gives him a bloody hand which Kitty licks of greedily like a vampire with down syndrome (note, this is not offense to down syndrome sufferers, only vampires). No, what makes Italian Stallion such an ultimate waste of time is that for all of its glorious pockets of celluloid that provide for the right and drunken viewer-ship some of the most potent MST3K possibilities around, there's so much tedium of relentless writhing around naked and dancing for FIVE MINUTES STRAIGHT to super-bad 70s music.

It gets by as a horrendous guilty pleasure for about 60% of the time. The rest of it is so bad a porno that it may be justified that it's been off the market until recently. No matter what the temptation out of curiosity, or the minuscule rewards, some shards from the time capsule of a career like Stallone's should stay put in its (however shallow) grave; in extremely small doses its some fun, and all at one it's like getting the brown acid at Woodstock.

Kitty and Stud's would be at least bearable if it was not so sloppily produced. You can pinpoint the exact moment where it all starts to crumble (when KItty seductively licks the blood of from Stud's hand)...The choppy, dubbed dialogue, and it's lack of solid plot (even for a porno!) kind of ruin it..The soundtrack is stellar though! The fact that Sylvester Stallone stars is literally the only reason this movie would even touch eyes beyond the editing room.

This film was a riot drawing unintended laughs and smiles right from the start, for a while. The scenes of obvious simulated sex, naked rolling bodies, ridiculous moaning, etc. Then there were the boring parts. Many poorly done scenes could have been overlooked if they were short but when they were extended to four or five minutes, it becomes monotonous. The five minutes to rinse and dry the bloodied hand would be a case in point. Stallone's extended muscle posing, the rolling around naked, the fun house mirror, the phony, fierce beating, the orgy (so erotic that the men never had an erection,) all quickly became boring. Of course, if they had been cut, the film would be less than an hour. Everything from story to photography was subpar or ridiculous. And the pubic hair! Natural is nice but three of the women could have won a prize for the darkest, fullest, most extensive pubic hair. If they shaved, they could sell it as a complete merkin (pubic wig.) The film rates about a 2 but the humor and Sly's presence raise it to a 4.

This film was featured in the midnight program of German cable many years ago and all I can remember that every soap advertising is more stimulating than this poor porn flick. "The Party at Kitty and Stud´s" was shot in the 70s and the whole cast looks like a total hippie-crowd! You should only watch this movie if you want to know how long Sly´s dick is or to see him having sex with unattractive women. Otherwise this film is a real rarity today, one of the sins of one´s youth the celebrities are ashamed of today. Really seldom to see, so it´s worth ONE look because of its unconscious humor and the most untypical role Stallone has ever played!!!

ITALIAN STALLION, the video title, is one of the strangest adult films I've ever seen. I don't know if the version I saw was cut (the box said "Hard R Cable Version"), but overall, pretty unerotic.

Sylvester Stallone (the only real reason why anyone would watch this) turns in a pre-fame role as Stud, an Italian muscleman who has sex with his girlfriend Kitty and has a party at his house where lesbianism, anal sex, and orgies abound. Sly is looking pretty good here, better than he would in later years, and anyone looking for him in full nudity should be pleased here. Otherwise, there isn't much else to recommend. The only other male cast member is an unattractive no-name and none of the women are particularly memorable. There's a black stripper, a lesbian scene (overlong and boring), the 2nd man and his girlfriend have anal sex, and finally, the orgy that lasts FOREVER! This orgy scene only picks up when the camera is on Sly; otherwise, is not very erotic. Other unbelievable scenes: Sly flexes his muscles in a mirror while watching a lesbian scene, a woman flashes Sly in the park, Sly rapes Kitty after she slaps him, and the film ends with Sly slapping Kitty.

Under 60 minutes long, very cheaply done, and not very stimulating outside of Sly's scenes, ITALIAN STALLION is only recommended for those seeking out celebrity porn and no one else.