- Maj. Abraham Falconer: I understand you've been sleeping with the Volkswagen
- Cpl. Clearboy: Yes sir, Is there a regulation against it sir?
- Maj. Abraham Falconer: Yes
- Cpl. Clearboy: Sodomy?
- Maj. Abraham Falconer: That's animals, there's a regulation against using enemy equipment. Creates confusion.
- Cpl. Clearboy: Sir, she's a beautiful car, sir
- Maj. Abraham Falconer: You must love the Volkswagen very much Corporal Clearboy
- Cpl. Clearboy: 36 Horses. No water, sir. Hides her engine in the rear, air cooled, no water, sir!
- Maj. Abraham Falconer: Is the world suffering a water shortage Corporal Clearboy?
- Cpl. Clearboy: Not now sir, but suppose this war just goes on and on and on and destroys everything in the world. Well, since the Volkswagen can get along without water, she's bound to survive when other creatures die off. Someday the world is going to be populated with nothing but Volkswagens!
- Sfc. Rossie Baker: [enterting brothel with loaves] Everybody should eat more bread. Feeds the heart. And remember, the heart's the second-most important organ in the human body.
- Maj. Abraham Falconer: What do you see out there, Beckman?
- Capt. Lionel Beckman: No Krauts yet!
- Maj. Abraham Falconer: You never will. You're a dreamer, Beckman. They'll get you first!
- Pvt. Allistair Piersall Benjamin: Napoleon before Venice said, 'If my cannon destroy but one statue, I would rather not take Venice.
- Capt. Lionel Beckman: Did Napoleon say that? Doesn't sound like Napoleon.
- Pvt. Allistair Piersall Benjamin: Oh, well, no he didn't, but I thought it would cheer you up.
- Capt. Lionel Beckman: I appreciate that, but Napoleon was a louse.
- Pvt. Allistair Piersall Benjamin: My purpose is madness. It's the only way you can really tell what happens in war. By lying you can open the door a little crack on the truth.
- The Count: The Maldorais line must continue, and God must know where the Americans fit. Americans are brave, and that is why they seem like children. They are young, wild animals, so what can you expect?... I expect a child.
- Sfc. Rossie Baker: Listen, battles are lost because people get excited. There's only one way to calm the situation down - go to bed with a woman. Afterwards you'll be able to concentrate.
- Maj. Abraham Falconer: When the German tanks get here, we'll have a reception. They're brave sons of bitches, and we should not allow their heroic actions to go unsung. They should all have a cocktail!
- Red Queen: Cocktail?
- Maj. Abraham Falconer: Cognac bottle filled with gasoline.
- Lt. Billy Byron Bix: [leading singing]
- Sfc. Rossie Baker: Hey, you're waking everybody up! Go back to your outfit!
- Lt. Billy Byron Bix: [singing subsides] Excuse me?
- Sfc. Rossie Baker: You're waking everybody up, go back to your outfit.
- Lt. Billy Byron Bix: We have no outfit. We've withdrawn. We don't believe in fighting.
- Sfc. Rossie Baker: Well who believes in fighting?
- Lt. Billy Byron Bix: We believe in God. That frightens you, doesn't it? All you believe in is fornication, and killing.
- Sfc. Rossie Baker: What?
- Lt. Billy Byron Bix: We're conscientious objectors!
- Sfc. Rossie Baker: You mean, you conscientiously object to fornicating?
- Lt. Billy Byron Bix: [leads singing again, loudly]
- Sfc. Rossie Baker: [taps Lt. Bix on shoulder as singing continues] Hey! Didn't you tell 'em? They're supposed to excuse you from combat.
- Lt. Billy Byron Bix: They said that our sect was too small!
- Sfc. Rossie Baker: Your what was too small?
- Lt. Billy Byron Bix: Sect! S-E-C-T!