... except by moviegoers demanding their money back. However, if you can stick around for an hour, you will see what is quite possibly the funniest rumble in film history.
Gary Clarke stars as - well, I don't know exactly what he is supposed to be, or do, but at one point he drives a sports car in a race. But I am getting ahead of myself. Clarke's mom (played by Fay Wray - I kid you not) and "Gramps" caution Clarke to stay out of trouble, because of that "incident" in San Francisco. (Gramps is played by Ted Wedderspoon, who had his name legally changed from Ted Bedwedder.) Apparently the audience is supposed to be intrigued by the incident in San Francisco. I wasn't. Clarke heads to the local beach, where a quintet of guys sing some sort of calypso song which made me seasick. This conjured up memories of the classic "Daylight come and me wanna go hurl."
Clarke and his chief rival, played by Bob Turnbull, compete for the attention of pretty blonde Yvonne Lime. Now it's on to the local hangout, where everyone is dancing and having a good time, until a motorcycle gang shows up, led by Gabe DeLutri. These are not exactly household names. A biker chick bumps into Connie Stevens, which prompts this exchange:
Stevens: "Hey, watch it!"
Biker chick: "Pull in your bumper, sister!" (Today, this chick would say "back that arse up")
After trading a few slaps, Connie proceeds to knock the crap out of the chick, landing a couple of haymakers to her breadbasket. The punching sound effects must have been done by the same guy who did The Three Stooges shorts. In short order, Clarke is challenged by DeLutri, but decides to walk away, until DeLutri makes a move on Lime. Clarke lays out DeLutri, who promises to get even.
Now Turnbull challenges Clarke to a "train drag." This is either a game of chicken, or they are going to get dressed up in wedding gowns. Turnbull loses, and heads off to DeLutri's hangout, where he joins forces with the dark side. The gang heads out after Clarke, and tries to terrorize him on the road. Oh, this is so scary, I'm sure at least one member of the audience must have soiled his/her pants. DeLutri takes a swing at Clarke with a lug wrench but ends up hitting his own gang member, who goes flying off a cliff.
We now discover that Clarke had a manslaughter rap in San Francisco, and can't get involved in this mess. So he decides to head to Mexico, but turns back when he realizes there are still 22 minutes left in the film. Turnbull finds out that Clarke and Lime are going to meet on the beach, and tips off DeLutri. Clarke is surrounded by about six guys, and a few chicks. DeLutri has a spear gun. He ends up shooting the wrong person. Suddenly, the door to a nearby café swings open and all of Clarke's friends pour onto the beach. This becomes a Pier Six brawl, with guy vs guy, girl vs girl, guy vs girl, and "undetermined" vs "prefers not to answer." Meanwhile, Fay Wray and Gramps are watching all this, with the old geezer yelling "oh" every time Clarke gets knocked down. Obviously, Gramps had to rehearse quite a bit for this part.
Clarke, with bleached hair, looks like an albino version of Anthony Perkins. Still, he manages to rise to a certain level of mediocrity in his role. Lime is cute, and Stevens is plucky as ever. This is the film debut of Steve Ihnat, as a gang member. He growls a lot and tries to look tough. Everyone else just blends into the scenery. Wray should have stayed on top of the Empire State Building.
