Promises..... Promises!

The 1963 Jayne Mansfield "comedy" "Promises! Promises!" is best known these days for one thing (well, better make that TWO things!)--it is the film in which Jayne displayed her unfettered rib balloons; the first time a major actress ever did so in a mainstream Hollywood picture. Unfortunately, the film offers pretty much nothing else, and potential viewers would be well advised--no, warned--to bail out after Jayne's initial nude appearance, which happily occurs only three minutes in. During the following 72 minutes, Jayne and her bespectacled hubby, played by the film's co-producer and co-writer, Tommy Noonan, go on a long ocean cruise with their friends, Mickey Hargitay and Marie "The Body" McDonald. Through a set of ridiculous plot contrivances that include placebo drugs, seasickness and lots of liquor, Tommy can't quite figure out how Jayne has suddenly become preggers and just who did the knocking up. Dated, dreary, deadly and dumb (how's that for double D's?), the picture is a real labor to sit through; it is absolutely, consistently and painfully unfunny, and every lame gag falls (you should pardon the expression) absolutely flat. Character actor King Donovan's direction is uninspired, TV legend Imogene Coca goes completely wasted in a teensy role, and female impersonator T.C. Jones is an embarrassment. Strangely, Jayne unclothed does not look nearly as spectacular as Jayne strutting about in formfitting sweaters and gowns in such truly marvelous comedies as "The Girl Can't Help It" (1956) and "Will Success Spoil Rock Hunter?" (1957). I had originally decided to give this film two stars--one for each...well, you know--but cannot give it even that "high" a rating in good conscience. There is no form of entertainment more lethal, for me, than a completely unfunny comedy, and only a big dumb boob would find this one amusing.

There was a time when you could not show nudity in films. And then all of a sudden you could. Who better to use to display this newfound freedom than Jayne Mansfield? So, in Promises! Promises! Mansfield takes off her clothes. Anything else worth saying about the film? Not really. It's a comedy of mishaps and misunderstandings. Unfortunately there is practically nothing that is at all funny in this supposed comedy. How desperate is the film for laughs? Well, there's a female impersonator, a character who is the most wretched thing in the largely wretched film. He does a Jayne Mansfield impersonation. Mansfield's character responds that she does her too. Hilarious, right? No, not at all. The plot, about who exactly is impregnating whom aboard a cruise ship, is rather inane. There's not even enough story to stretch the film out to a proper feature length. The film clocks in at a mere 75 minutes but it seems interminable. In a sign of true desperation Mansfield's brief nude scenes are repeated over and over again in dream sequences or flashbacks. At least the filmmakers were honest with themselves and the audience. They knew people were only coming to see this film for one reason. Well, two reasons to be precise. Mansfield's acting in the film actually isn't half bad. But the story's a dud and the rest of the cast gives Mansfield very little support. As a film Promises! Promises! fails miserably. But nobody cares about its quality as a film, the thing only exists as a vehicle to show off Mansfield's prize assets. In that, if nothing else, it succeeds.

I liked this a lot, but would've liked it a lot more without the topless/nudity scenes. Don't get me wrong, I am no prude when it comes to sex and nudity in film, depending on the type of film it is and when it was made. And yes, I know this was the first of its kind- but I personally feel it came a little early.

This film is like a 1950s-60s sitcom episode, made into a movie. It feels innocent and clean, the way "Leave It To Beaver" or "I Love Lucy" did. So, to see such nudity in this sort of film was a real turn-off for me, as it just didn't feel right. It felt out-of-place for the period and that whole innocent sitcom world- so out of place, as to seem freakish- and it was only from the belly up nudity! There was no sex scene, but certainly enough allusion to sex in this- to the point of being rather shocking!

So yeah, would have liked this film handled in the more old-Hollywood way, where she would have been covered by a towel, and the sex subject was less obvious. That being said, I still can't help but to like it but in a very mixed-feelings way.

Promises.... Promises! (1963)

* 1/2 (out of 4)

There's no question that the story, acting, directing and production is one of the worst ever made but are you really coming to this film for any of that? PROMISES....PROMISES! is a landmark movie because it was the first one in history to feature a major Hollywood star nude. That honor goes to Jayne Mansfield who right around the four minute mark shows off her breasts in a bubble bath and within minutes we're introduced to two other nude scenes. This is really a hard movie to judge because there's no question that it's poorly made, dreadfully dull and lifeless but at the same time it's still quite shocking to see an actress from this era appearing nude. It's not like this is some smut film featuring an unknown woman as these have been around since the earliest days of cinema. No, this here was a well-known star taking off her clothes and the first scene in the bath is actually quite sexual so God knows what people thought back when this was first released. From its historic stance, this here is a must see. Mansfield appears in three different nude scenes and these are replayed throughout the movie. What shocked me the most is that the producers didn't hold the nudity until later in the movie and instead we get our first glimpse at the four minute mark and two other scenes shortly after. Usually bad movies with "one" gimmick hold off on the prize but I give the filmmakers credit for not messing around and actually giving people what they wanted. The nude scenes serve no real purpose to the story but it's Mansfield. The performances by the four leads are all pretty bad and especially Tommy Noonan who plays Mansfield's husband. His performance as a drunk is one of the worst I've ever seen but Mickey Hargitay (Manfield's real husband) wasn't much better. Mansfield doesn't seem to be too happy during any of the scenes as she doesn't give much of a performance. PROMISES..... PROMISES! is a bad movie and there's no doubt about that but at the same time it's a must see.

This movie is considerate: it delivers what it promises (Jayne Mansfield topless) twice in the first 5 minutes - so you don't really need to bother with the remaining 70. Mansfield has a sensational body indeed (breasts as well as legs), but the film is more static and unfunny that smutty and scandalous. Tommy Noonan's drunken routine gets tiresome fast, T.C. Jones' gay-hairdresser routine is even worse. *1/2 out of 4.