- Wilbur Post: [after Mister Ed makes a great shot in a ring toss game] Good throw, Ed! I bet you're also good at pitching horseshoes!
- Mister Ed: No, Wilbur, I don't play horseshoes.
- Wilbur Post: Really? Why not?
- Mister Ed: Because Mom always taught us kids not to throw our clothes around!
- Wilbur Post: Ed, you have run away for the last time! I'm going to lock you in your stall.
- Mister Ed: Don't do that Wilbur! I suffer from claustrophobia!
- Wilbur Post: Claustrophobia? You mean you have a fear of confined spaces?
- Mister Ed: Sure, it runs in the family. I even get nervous when I put my nose in a small feedbag.
- Mister Ed: What do you say we go out riding and pick up a couple of fillies?
- Wilbur Post: I'm not a horse, remember?
- Mister Ed: Too bad, we could have a ball double dating.
- [Wilbur finds Mister Ed sleeping in his living room]
- Wilbur Post: Oh no.
- Mister Ed: If you had a dog, you'd let him sleep in the house.
- Wilbur Post: A dog is different. A dog is a household pet.
- Mister Ed: Then call me "Rover" and wake me at eight.
- Mister Ed: [impatiently] Let's Go Wilbur!
- Wilbur Post: Go? You're on the bottom!
- Mister Ed: Sorry! I forgot!
- Wilbur Post: [after Ed finds a straw hat] What are you going to do with a straw hat?
- Mister Ed: I'll wear it till it goes out of style. Then I'll eat it!
- Wilbur Post: I've been meaning to ask you, Ed. Just how do horses sleep standing up?
- Mister Ed: [Shocked] We Do?
- Wilbur Post: Didn't you know?
- Mister Ed: How can I? When I'm asleep my eyes are closed!
- Mister Ed: I love Christmas. Wilbur is so full of the spirit of giving, and I'm so full of the spirit of receiving.
- Wilbur Post: Ed, I've got a wife in my house.
- Mister Ed: Don't tell me your troubles, I've got my own!
- Carol Post: A diamond ring! Wilbur, you shouldn't have done it...!
- Wilbur Post: They always say it right after you've done it.
- Wilbur Post: Ed, I told you not to spy on our new neighbors.
- Mister Ed: I'm not spying, I'm just exercising my eyes!
- Roger Addison: [when he sees Wilbur's wife up in his arms again] Aren't you people overdoing this a bit?
- Wilbur Post: [after Gordon's car has been completely wrecked] Gee. Now you can hardly see my scratch!