- Rob Petrie: [Sally, Buddy, Rob and Laura are staying in a haunted cabin, all four are in the same bed because they are scared of the ghost] It's been over two hours and nothing strange or unusual has happened.
- Sally Rogers: Oh, really? What do you call four grown people sleeping in the same bed with their clothes on?
- Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: [after Rob and Laura exchange a romantic goodnight, complete with kiss] Good night, Sal.
- Sally Rogers: Goodnight, pal.
- [they shake hands]
- Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: [Sally emerges from another room wearing a facemask] Sal! We've been working together all these years, I never knew you looked like that!
- Sally Rogers: Looked like what?
- Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: Like my wife!
- Laura Petrie: You wanna end up another Dwight Heatherton, go ahead!
- Rob Petrie: Who's that?
- Laura Petrie: Dwight Heatheron happens to be an excellent writer who is unknown because he gets no publicity.
- Rob Petrie: Then how do you know him?
- Laura Petrie: Oh Rob, he's *famous*.
- [Laura just admitted that she told a TV audience Alan Brady is bald]
- Rob Petrie: Well did you know it was a secret?
- Laura Petrie: Yes.
- Rob Petrie: Oh sure, what's the fun of telling something if it's not a secret?
- Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: This guy laughs at everything! Bet he'll laugh if I say "shoehorn"... SHOEHORN!
- Maxwell Cooley: heh huhh heh huhh!
- [silly laughter]
- Sally Rogers: What's the matter Rob?
- Rob Petrie: Oh, he got on the elevator and I busted my leg on a lady.
- Alan Brady: [re note about letting go of the staff] Didn't you see I crumpled it up?
- Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: [inspects paper] Yeah that's his crumple!
- Melvin (Mel) Cooley: Rob, I can't tell you how much.
- Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: You can't tell us how much four and four are.
- Melvin (Mel) Cooley: Yech!
- Laura Petrie: Rob, Millie has something to tell you.
- Rob Petrie: If it'll make me happy, tell me, but if it won't don't say it because I am on the brink!
- Millie Helper: Oh, Rob, I'm so sorry and you never have to speak to me again!
- [Starts to cry]
- Rob Petrie: It's not gonna make me happy, is it?
- Laura Petrie: Millie, in trying to help you, Rob, wrote fourteen letters praising the show, and Alan, and you.
- Rob Petrie: And, uh, where are they now?
- Laura Petrie: [Millie starts to cry] She mailed them.
- Rob Petrie: [Starts laughing uncontrollably]
- Laura Petrie: Rob? Are you alright?
- Rob Petrie: I couldn't be worse!