El monstruo de Marte

How can you approach a recent repeat viewing of a movie you first saw 20 years ago in a double feature with 'Plan 9 from Outer Space', which to this day is still the most joyous, funniest cinema experience you have ever had. Without these two films, I would never have been seduced by the wonderful Golden Turkey Awards books, nor started my secret, indulgent near obsession with enjoying bad movies.

And as bad movies go, Robot Monster is simply wonderful.

Its almost pointless to go about what is in store for the unwary viewer, except that they will encountering a cinematic experience they will still be talking about in 20yrs time. However, I cannot complete this review without mentioning my two most favourite magic moments.

The first magic moment is this wonderful scene at the grave of the recently buried little brat girl (who thankfully is terminated extremely efficiently by Ro-man). Suddenly, in the top left corner of the screen is this small dot. Which starts slowly getting larger and larger. You eventually realize it's a shirtless George Nader running to the graveside. George keeps jumping rocks and branches as he eventually makes his way to the grave. Keep running George. Eventually, he finally gets to the grave, to tell the parents that Ro-man has their adult daughter. At which point, he instantly collapses, and is immediately pronounced dead. The timing is so exquisite, you will rewind the film, just to see this wonderful setup and delivery, again and again.

The second magic moment is a touching piece of prose which I feel has been ignored by scientists / engineers around the world as a personal incantation when confronted with a crisis. Basically, Ro-man doesn't want to kill the girl because he is having 'strange feelings' towards her (much like the strange feelings my neighbors dog had for my leg when I visited a few days ago). Alas, his superior wants her (and everyone else) killed. We then have this lovely 'to camera' moment, when a creature, consisting of the body of a gorilla, and the head of a deepsea diving helmet plus antenna, laments to the viewer:

'I cannot, yet I must. How do you calculate that? At what point on the graph do must and cannot meet? Yet I must. But I cannot'.

If only Macbeth and Hamlet had consider life as deeply, they might not have died.

Robot Monster is definitely recommended viewing – just don't do it alone. Invite around your closest friends, and you will be bonded with enough 'But what about when …' experiences for the next two months. And how many modern films can claim to be able to do that.

Fans of bad movies probably know all about this film. However, if you haven't had the pleasure of experiencing this infamous laugh-riot, allow me to explain...

The film opens with an arrangement of Sci-fi pulp magazines behind the opening credits, so you're obviously expected to throw your common sense radar switch firmly to the off position before viewing commences. Then we're introduced to a family, for some reason having a picnic in a quarry.

The young boy takes a tumble, and when he recovers, he finds Ro-man, conquerer of Earth and destroyer of mankind, hiding in a cave.

Ro-man. Now how would you describe Ro-man? How about a man (George Barrows) in a gorilla suit, probably left over from the forties, wearing an old-fashioned diving helmet with the visor blacked out, and a TV ariel sticking out of the top of his head? There are many legends of course about director Phil Tucker running out of cash and, unable to finish off the spacesuit, simply used an old leftover Gorilla custom. Let's face it however, would 'Robot Monster' be the cult favourite it is today if he had found the funds to finish the costume?

We discover the truth soon after our first encounter with Ro-Man; that Earth was attacked by the alien simian, who wiped out all but eight members of the population. We know this because Ro-Man's gleefully reveals the plot to his superior - 'The Great One' (also George Barrows in the same costume) - over a super hi-tech communications device. I write hi-tech communications device, but what what I actually mean is an old 1940s radio on a wooden table attached to a bubble-making machine.

Somehow, in the aftermath of Ro-man's destructive rampage, prehistoric creatures were unleashed (yes, it's the old 'One Million B.C.' (1940) footage reeled out for about the 1,500th time; and there's even footage from the antiquated 'Lost World' of 1925!). Thankfully, our poor family are helped in their struggle to survive by their doctor friend and his anti-everything serum, which protect them from Ro-man's deadly Calcinator Ray.

If you think this all sounds rather childish, well you're right, but this is fused with some quite unexpected adult themes. Ro-man murders the doc's child daughter, and then plans to mate with her older sister. You'd think that the intelligent and beautiful heroine of the piece (Claudia Barrett) would shudder from this evil, and probably smelly, beast, but she doesn't exactly shun him, even remarking 'Oh Ro-Man, you're so strong' as he drags her across the barren wastes to his cave.

Despite all this, 'Robot Monster' does seem to drag a little in the middle (not an easy accomplishment for a film only just over a hour long!), especially after the novelty of old fish-tank head wears thin. But if you love/like/can tolerate bad movies, you really do owe it to yourself to see this; it lacks quality of any kind.

Robot Monster is the Citizen Kane of abysmal 1950s science fiction. It has everything modern viewers have come to expect from movies of this genre: a laughable plot line, completely improbable situations, ludicrous acting, unbelievably awful special effects, cheapjack production values, gaffes galore, and examples of how to fail miserably at every major aspect of motion picture production. For good measure it also sports easily the most ridiculous "monster" in the history of film! The plot is so thin that it can't even be stretched comfortably over the film's 66-minute running time without generous padding. A family, headed by the requisite German-accented scientist and including a "hot" chick, a "manly" guy, and two cutesy-poo kids wander through the desert after Earth has been annihilated by a guy in a gorilla suit wearing a plastic diving helmet. That's basically it, except for some nonsensical pap about an immunity serum. When the guy in the monkey suit is far and away the best actor in the picture, you've got a MAJOR problem--but compared to John Mylong as "The Professor," Ro-Man is Laurence Olivier. You could drive a semi through the plot holes. The dialogue clangers pile up like horseshoes on George H.W. Bush's lawn. You feel embarrassed for director Phil Tucker, and almost ashamed to laugh at this movie when you learn that the bad reviews of the film drove him to attempt suicide. The experience of watching this film, even with its abnormally short running time, is so excruciating that it feels like you've wasted five hours of your life. It's so bad that after a while you begin to marvel at its very badness, and ultimately you come away awe-stricken.

I call it a masterpiece because under normal circumstances only a talented and determined genius could make a film that sinks as low and violates so many rules of film-making, storytelling and suspension of disbelief as this one does. It takes real talent to make Ed Wood look like Stanley Kubrick, but Phil Tucker pulled it off. For that alone he deserves a place in film history.

Sure, this movie is bad. If, however, you have seen tons of movies, including tons of bad movies, you can appreciate just how bad this one is. This film is much more entertaining than any of the Ed Wood films I've seen. This is one of the best of the B classics. If you happen to watch this movie with altered brain chemistry, say you have a fever, it takes on a surrealistic vibrance that parallels a religious experience. every line of dialog has multiple hidden meanings and carry a tone you might associate with a divine manifestation. I felt like people from the future, or from another planet had gone back in time to make this film and bury it in the subconscious of our culture.

I haven't seen that many classic bad movies, but Robot Monster is one of my personal favorites. It is simply hilarious to watch. The gorilla costume and diving helmet are so entertaining that one could enjoy the movie with the sound off. With the sound on, though, you get to appreciate the "acting." In all fairness, the music in this movie is actually pretty good, which contrasts from every other aspect of the movie. The stock footage that appears every so often is an unexpected treat. The mind-blowing plot twist at the end really finishes the movie with a bang. I hope that anyone who enjoys bad movies checks this one out...you will be rewarded. "If I were a HU-man, would she treat me like a HU-man?"