- Policeman: If that nut shows up and kills you, don't blame the police department.
- [Ward is throwing whiskey around the room]
- Susan Ireland: Oh, that's a good idea - it'll smell like an orgy!
- Steve: Where did you leave your parachute?
- Dr. David Klugle: I beg your pardon?
- Steve: Never mind. You'll pry no information from me, General Electric Whiskers.
- [Susan phones "Pinky" Grayson; her husband is out with Grayson's wife]
- 'Pinky' Grayson: Yes?
- Susan Ireland: Hello? Is Mr. Ireland there?
- 'Pinky' Grayson: Mr. Ireland? No, certainly not!
- Susan Ireland: Oh, well, is Mrs. Grayson there?
- 'Pinky' Grayson: Mrs. Grayson? No, she's not; there's nobody here. And I'm busy.
- Susan Ireland: Well, I'm sorry to bother you, but when do you expect them back?
- 'Pinky' Grayson: Well, I don't expect them ba- Say, wait a minute, do you mean that my wife's out with Steve Ireland?
- Susan Ireland: Well, uh, yes, she is, but, uh, of course I don't mean that there's anything wrong...
- 'Pinky' Grayson: Who is this?
- Susan Ireland: This is Mrs. Ireland.
- 'Pinky' Grayson: Well, you may not think there's anything wrong, but if your husband's starting to fool around with Isobel again, I'll break his back!
- Susan Ireland: Oh, no! No, I'm sure *that* won't be necessary.
- [Ward gets out a bottle of whiskey for him and Susan]
- Ward Willoughby: How will you have it? Highball or straight?
- Susan Ireland: Oh, just spread it around the room.
- [Steve meets a suited and booted Ward for the second time; the first, he was in an undershirt]
- Steve: Oh, it's you again. I didn't recognize you with your clothes on.
- Ward Willoughby: You're moody. Sometimes you're elated and gay, and then, suddenly, you become reserved, cautious, afraid of life.
- Susan Ireland: You're a little peculiar yourself.
- Steve: [singing as he gets out of a taxi at his apartment building] It's delightful to be married. To be, be, be, be married.
- Jimmy - the Doorman: He'd sure sing a different tune if he lived with my old lady for a while.
- Taxi Driver: Oh, I don't know. I didn't mind it so much.
- Jimmy - the Doorman: [as the tax pulls away] Huh?
- Ward Willoughby: [On the phone] Hello, Susan. Listen, the nuthouse people picked me up. They think I'm Steve. Will you send somebody down to... Hey, who is this? What are you doing there?
- Steve: Blelelelelelelele.
- Dr. David Klugle: Mrs. Ireland, uh, I have some very tragic news for you. Your husband has just been declared insane.
- Susan Ireland: Declared insane? Steve, you fool.
- Steve: Oh, Susan, I tried to tell them that I'm mall right.
- Susan Ireland: [Sweeps the blocks he has been stacking off the desk] Stop it! Stop that acting, you lunatic.
- Martha: Excuse me. Mrs. Grayson wants to know if you took her... punkin'.
- Mrs. Cooper: [knowingly] Mm hmm.
- Steve: [a bit flustered] Punkin' is her dog!
- 'Pinky' Grayson: [On the phone] Say, wait a minute. What do you look like?
- Susan Ireland: I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll bring some pictures.
- Steve: You mean that old feeling that threw a flower pot at me the last time you saw me?
- Isobel Grayson: I'll never forgive myself for that. The geraniums died.
- Steve: Oh, darling, you know - you shouldn't be allowed to stand in the moonlight like that. It ought to be against the law - like other strong drugs.
- Ward Willoughby: I can't shoot unless my torso's free - if you'll excuse the expression. You know, it's the same thing with Indians. You put a coat on them and they can't hit their hats.
- Susan Ireland: I didn't know Indians wore hats.
- Steve: Darling, I've got some great news for you.
- Susan Ireland: What?
- Steve: I've decided to keep you another year.
- Susan Ireland: Maybe you haven't seen the other models. They haven't got brakes like me.
- Isobel Grayson: Can't I give an old pal a little first aid?
- Steve: Ah, ho, ho, ho. I remember your first aid, Isobel. You, you don't stick to the rules.
- Susan Ireland: [On the phone] Tell me, Mr. Grayson, are you good looking?
- 'Pinky' Grayson: Am I good... Hey are you kidding me? What's on your mind?
- Susan Ireland: If Steve were to walk in and find me, uh, say, kissing you. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have any more trouble with him.
- Mrs. Cooper: It's the elevator boy again. He says Mrs. Grayson wants her shoes.
- Steve: Oh, oh, uh, well I guess they must be in my other coat.
- Mrs. Cooper: Well!
- Susan Ireland: That's how Steve dresses me, you know. He steals a pair of shoes here, a dress there. All I have to buy are my under things, thank heaven.
- Ward Willoughby: You know, you're not the easiest girl in the world to understand?
- Susan Ireland: Why not?
- Ward Willoughby: Well, you do seem to, sort of, blow hot and cold.
- Susan Ireland: Steve, am I what you'd call a jealous type?
- Steve: Jealous? You? Ah, ho. Why you haven't an atom of jealousy in you - not a bit. That's one of your great virtues.
- Susan Ireland: Then why do I wanna chop your head off?
- Steve: What was that guy doing in his undershirt?
- Susan Ireland: He has to have his torso free when he shoots his bow and arrow.
- Steve: Well, uh, huh, what kind of an answer is that?
- Susan Ireland: He's the world's champion bow-and-arrower.
- Steve: I'll see you later, mother. And, uh, huh, and don't think that it hasn't been fun because it hasn't.
- Isobel Grayson: You're lucky you can even swallow.
- Steve: If I couldn't swallow I wouldn't want to live.
- Mrs. Cooper: I'll show you how to wrap it, Steve. Have you got a bandage?
- Steve: I hope not - I mean, I don't think so.
- Susan Ireland: I love that walk to the justice of the peace.
- Steve: It's four miles.
- Susan Ireland: But he always gives us sherry when we get there.
- Steve: One finger.
- Susan Ireland: And then I row you up the river.
- Steve: That takes an hour.
- Dr. Wuthering: I'm very sorry, madam, but I assure you your husband is, medically speaking, um, uh, as nutty as a fruit cake.
- Dr. Wuthering: No, not this one. Case 116 - The one who threatened to sue because his outboard motor wouldn't run in Thousand Island dressing.
- Susan Ireland: I'm not worried about the publicity because, you see, I don't have to appear before the Lunacy Commission. But Steve does. First thing in the morning. Thank you, your honor.
- Susan Ireland: Dr. Wuthering, please don't get excited.
- Dr. Wuthering: Unfortunately, it does excite me to be asked to abandon 32 years of medical experience for witchcraft.
- Susan Ireland: I'm going to get out of here. The rules are too one-sided.
- Dr. Wuthering: Mrs. Ireland, please come back here
- Susan Ireland: There's a crazy man in this room all right, and it isn't Steve.
- Steve: [Disguised as Miss Ireland, his sister] You know, Stephen nearly killed three men with his bare hands.
- Ward Willoughby: What were they, pygmies?
- Dr. Wuthering: Madam, your husband is not sane.
- Susan Ireland: Nonsense. Of course he is.
- Dr. Wuthering: Well, perhaps you know better than I. You, a society woman who wants a change of husbands so badly that she's become an authority on mental disorders.
- Judge: Why did he want to have his dinner backwards?
- Susan Ireland: For a perfectly normal reason. He didn't want to walk four miles and row on the river before dinner.
- George Renny: And was he afraid someone might make him do that?
- Susan Ireland: Oh, you don't understand. That's the wedding ceremony of the Baffinland Eskimos. Steve used to always say if we ever moved to Baffinland, we'd be properly married. It's a joke, don't you see?
- Susan Ireland: They were just sort of private jokes. Like on our last anniversary when he wanted to have dinner backwards.
- Steve: I'll go to the mayor. I'll go to the governor. The President. I'll get your job for this, you old beaver-puss.
- Dr. David Klugle: And sometimes he seems almost sane.
- Susan Ireland: [In court] Why, once on our honeymoon, he put on a pair of overalls and dug a hole in the middle of Fifth Avenue.
- George Renny: Did he say why?
- Susan Ireland: He said he's always been wanting to dig a hole in the middle of Fifth Avenue.
- Dr. Wuthering: Mrs. Ireland, I wish you would cooperate. We never frustrate our patients here.
- Susan Ireland: But I didn't frustrate him once. Why do I have to not frustrate him again?
- Steve: Now look here, George If you help Susan divorce me, you will lose my business and my business's business.
- George Renny: Well, as a matter of fact, Steve, I was just about to tell Susan I think she's being a little hasty.
- Steve: Well then, what are you waiting for? Go ahead and tell her.
- George Renny: Susan, I think you're being a little hasty.
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