House Shark

Who thought this should be an hour and 52 minutes long?!?

I had to pause this movie with about 12 minutes left til the end, and I honestly didn't think I could finish it. I purposely combed through the closing credits to see if there was an editor, because I didn't believe there was one. Surprise, surprise, writer/director Ron Bonk also edited his own movie. I would say, only he would leave in all the unnecessary dialogue, subplots that go nowhere, dead air, abandoned characters, and utter nonsense. House Shark runs nearly 2 hours! Is there a good movie in here somewhere? Probably not. I'm giving it 4 stars because on a few occasions, I either laughed out loud or said "that was pretty good." 3 laughs in 2 hours? It starts off promisingly enough, with full-frontal nudity and an outrageously gory shark attack. As a matter of fact, after a certain amount of time, I thought this movie hired exclusively slutty actresses. No way, the bulk of this film gives way to a sausage fest.

I understand this filmmaker wanted to populate his movie with OTT characters, to be as campy as possible. Problem is, they're *SO* OTT, I couldn't understand them half the time! My expectations were certainly dashed. From the title, the concept, the zero-budget creative nature, the exploitative nature, the indie nature, the front and back cover, and what you would normally expect from a film like this. So, it's possible I'm being unfair. But it did not deliver on any of those levels.

According to Ron Bonk's comedy horror House Shark, herds of sharks used to roam the land in America until they were forced into the sea by hunters, although a few remained. It is one of these last land-dwelling sharks that terrorises homeowner Frank, forcing him out of his house to live in the garden. With the help of house shark expert Zachary (Michael Merchant) and drunken salty sea-dog Abraham (Wes Reid), Frank tries to kill the big fish.

House Shark is, as the title suggests, a dumb movie. No... scratch that. It's a very, very, VERY dumb movie, intentionally so. Unfortunately, Bonk's particular brand of comedy - goofball lunacy with lots of toilet humour - only occasionally hits the mark, with most of the gags floundering like a shark on a Chinese fishing boat. With the film running at nearly two hours long, the silliness gets really tedious, Abraham's drunken drawl proving particularly grating on the nerves.

The special effects range from the barely passable (I quite enjoyed the underwater scene in which things float on clearly visible wires) to the downright terrible (the shark itself looks like it's been made from chicken wire and papier-mâché). The film opens in promisingly trashy fashion with a naked woman pulled down a toilet by the shark, leaving a bloody mess in her wake, but the rest of the film is nudity free, with very little gore.

2.5/10, generously rounded up to 3 for the one line that actually made me laugh: "I don't know how many people died that day. 3....4... maybe none."

The shark movies always try to be funny but this one actually succeeds. It probably should have been about 20 minutes shorter though.

I enjoy poorly-done, low-budget, screwball movies for their sheer lunacy and entertainment value, but this one...Never before have I seen anything put on film that was this outlandishly ridiculous. Some jokes are funny, and Mr. Bonk thought he must have been playing a great prank on the audience. From the pitiful acting, to the obsession over certain body parts, and the ludicrous foam "house shark," there were literally no redeeming parts to this "film." I tried to enjoy ANY part of this cinematic treasure and I just couldn't. If you want to punish someone for almost two hours, ask them to watch "House Shark" with you.