- George St. Geegland: The nineteen-nineties? Mad About You, Pesto Sauce, O.J. Simpson breaks his forty five year "no killing streak." O.J. Simpson kills those two people so hard they stop making the Ford Bronco. Can you imagine doing something so fucked up there's no more Toyota Camry?
- Gil Faizon: [opening a trapdoor] And what's inside - Oh no, what's this! Oh me, oh my! It's the pillowman from Martin McDonagh's The Pillowman! And for those of you with the crappy sightline who can't see this - raise your hands? Raise your hands? So what you're missing is, it's a pillow with googly eyes and paper towel arms, alright? So next time, get your tickets earlier or just make more money.
- George St. Geegland: September 11th... through September 19th, 2012. Steely Dan plays the Beacon Theater for nine straight nights!
- George St. Geegland: Oh my god, I'm not gonna get the book deal. And I already bought that sheepdog for the author photo. Boy, that guy's going back to Chinatown.
- Gil Faizon: Strap in, folks.
- Steve Martin: By the way, the sound is great.
- Gil Faizon: Oh, good! That's good to hear.
- George St. Geegland: Thank you for that measured compliment.
- Gil Faizon: [Gil is walking through the audience] How old are you?
- [inaudible answer]
- Gil Faizon: Sixteen, and you?
- [inaudible answer]
- Gil Faizon: You just turned fourteen? Did you like ANY of this?
- Gil Faizon: Also, if you see a camera, look right down the barrel of the lens, alright?
- George St. Geegland: And you know, we're trying to convey that we have a diverse audience, so if you're white, tonight, if you could just not be?
- Gil Faizon: [after a big dance number] George and Gil are now legitimately dizzy, so they take a knee...
- George St. Geegland: ...and then a bridge pose, and then a Martha Graham, and then we lay down.
- Gil Faizon: George and Gil now rest, in real time, for like two minutes.
- George St. Geegland: Ravi! Ravi! It's George. I'm on the floor. My blood sugar's crashing. Could you go get me a Ferrero Rocher chocolate? Or a Lindt Lindor truffle? My favorite flavor is blue.
- Gil Faizon: Ravi, it's Gil Faizon, charmed, I'm sure. Would you go to a bodega for me and get me a box of Kashi Good Friends cereal? The highest, dustiest box you can find.
- George St. Geegland: Ravi, it's George. I'm on the floor. I need you to go to Just Salad, at like 1PM, when they're at their busiest, and just get on line and be like, "now let's see, how does this work?".
- Gil Faizon: Ravi, it's Gil Faizon. Would you go to Chipotle and get be a big bowl of ebola?
- George St. Geegland: Ravi! It's George. Would you go to every pizza place in New York and bring me the most sun-faded head shot of Danny Aiello?
- Gil Faizon: Ravi, it's Gil Faizon, charmed, I'm on the floor. Would you go the Magnolia bakery, as featured in the Sex and the City walking tour and just open fire?
- George St. Geegland: Ravi! Will you go to Long Island City, Queens, 'cause I won't.
- George St. Geegland: We are gonna have so much fun tonight, because theater is the hot new thing right now. There's "Hamilton", and no other examples.
- George St. Geegland: You go too big. You've always gone too big. You would have embarrassed yourself! And I was protecting you!
- Gil Faizon: Protecting me? From what? I'm the strongest actor in New York - your words!
- George St. Geegland: I was lying to you, Gil. You thought you were the strongest actor in New York? There's like seven guys ahead of you.
- Gil Faizon: Name one!
- George St. Geegland: Bobby Cannavale, Stanley Tucci, Oliver Platt, Liev Schreiber, Vincent D'Onofrio, Nathan Lane, Griffin Dunne.
- Gil Faizon: Now, excuse me, Griffin Dunne is not New York-based.
- George St. Geegland: The fuck did you just say? Oh, I'm sorry, 'cause the last I checked Griffin Dunne lived in Rhinebeck, and could be in Manhattan in an hour and fifteen minutes! And every fucking casting director in town knows it! So how dare you pretend not to! How dare you fucking pretend not to know where goddamned Griffin Dunne lives!