Sharkenstein

Initially, I was watching a Law & Order SVU episode. It was the episode where ADA Barba leaves the show after making a life changing decision of a comatose baby. I found that episode thought-provoking and sad; there really were no good decisions to be made regarding the baby.

After the SVU episode ended, my family was preparing to watch this movie, and I decided to join them. I had no idea what this movie would be except for the title. So, I assumed the film would be a "Sharknado" competitor...

Anyone that watches the first 10 minutes of this film will understand that this film is a comedy! Enough said.

Where do I begin? First of all, there is an attractive and capable female lead (Greta Volkova) and her hunky friend Coop (Titus Himmelberger). Then there's a third wheel named Skip who seems out of place. Oh, and our "hero" is named Duke. And then there's a shark. Not just any shark. But "Sharkenstein," which is exactly what you think it is. Frankenstein's brain transplanted into a shark. Clever, huh? Sharkenstein features lots of stock footage, tons of aerial footage of beaches, aimless shots of a lifeguard with his back to the camera, lots of white men with hairy forearms, and a posse with guns running through trees sporting fall foliage. Only director Mark Polonia would call this a movie. And he appears uncredited as the mute driver of a boat (did he have to pay himself less for not speaking?). His character's name, Hoskins, is mentioned more times than any of the four principals. Oh, and our director/editor must have run short of Wild Eye Releasing's requisite 70 minute running time, because there is a completely random scene of a long-in-the-tooth "model" getting photographed. The scene is completely unrelated to the rest of the "movie." It appears to be inserted to pad out the running time. The mercifully short running time.

This film is a classic Z-class production that pays homage to the smallest budget cinema. We have the following topics: crazy doctor, Frankenstein's monster, Nazis, a shark and a group of actors each worse off whose mission is to entertain us for the hour and twenty that the film lasts. Greta Volkova, the main character, has the same versatility as a porn actress trying to make a serious film. Still the film entertains if we accept the rules of the genre; If our expectations are consistent with the film, this one will not disappoint us.

The remaining Polonia brother knocks it out of the park and delivers some of the most frightening shark attack scenes ever committed to film.

The special effects are really something to behold, never has your child's toy shark you tried to stitch back together after the dog got a hold of it looked so menacing. The writing is still as sharp as ever, with intelligent, witty banter on par with the great Quentin Tarantino delivered with astonishing conviction by lovable characters you will certainly not forget instantly once the movie's over.

The villain of the movie, a Nazi carrying on the inhumane experiments of his forefathers, is acted using the tried and true formula:

Replacing "W" with "V" every once in a while = German accent

The man exudes so much pure, unadulterated evil that I dare anyone not to get cold sweats whenever he appears on screen.

Even with all this said, I assure you, nothing will prepare you for the film's third act, a harrowing dive into complete insanity.

All I can really say after experiencing this movie is thank you, Mark Polonia. Thank you for making movies, thank you for being alive, thank you for sharing this masterpiece with the world. It seems like only yesterday he put Jurassic Park in its place with his classic Saurians. Now with Sharkenstein, he's rendered another critically-acclaimed piece of celluloid completely obsolete. Sorry Jaws.

I've seen TERRIBLE movies. Extreme emphasis on terrible. I need to wash my eyes out after this. It was five minutes in and I already had so much criticism about it. This looks like it was edited by a baby. 1. Submarines don't just go down directly, they submerge slowly. 2. Water doesn't look like that. 3. Props are terrible. 4. The acting makes me want to barf. 5. The camera is shaking. 6. Last but certainly not least the clothing, makeup, and hair is terrible? Who dressed them? The undead? I can see why they call it a comedy. I CACKLED at everything terrible. Can't see why it was a horror though. I'm 13 and I can act WAY better than them. The actors need YEARS of classes. The transitions were horrible as well.