Dickshark

Low budget filmmaker Bill Zebub made this really bizarre, dirty and just flat out crazy film about a guy who uses a genital growth lotion and turns his penis to a shark. It would be a crazy fun film it id didnt have a run time of 2hr. 29 min. Seriously its 2 and a half hours. Anyway its cool to see Erin Brown again. Haven't seen her in a while.

The film entitled "Dickshark" is a breathtaking piece that challenges everything you thought you knew as a film goer. With acting that would make the likes of Meryl Streep jealous, and robotic sharks that will have Spielberg shaking in his boots. This film is a must watch and is a hilarious tale for individuals of all ages.

The best thing about this movie ... well is the poster and maybe the tag line. It's actually a shame, because there are things here that you could find funny - if you are in the right mood. Like the director making fun of himself and the nudity this contains and the "erotic movie" genre (with or without horror elements) ... I would not call it acting what you see - but there are some hidden gems in some of the dialog scenes.

The real issue is the other stuff. Well at least for me. I reckon if you are into Heavy Metal you can at least enjoy the music/soundtrack to a degree. That the effects would not have any kind of standard ... I expected that. I can only assume that another reviewer is trolling who praises this ... or anything at all. Also I "only" watched the 2.5 hourse cut and am surprised to read there is an even longer cut here ... I will not watch that under any circumstances ... I'd advice you to save time too.

(Barely)

"I'm not cuckoo for Dicksharks!"

Ok. I think it's time to admit defeat here. I am breaking up with Dickshark. I have tried time and time again to love this film. Some day a good movie named Dickshark will be made and we can all forget about the wretched existence of this stinky putrid movie. Maybe I'm meant to create that movie? Is that why I have seen Dickshark six bonking times now?

I'm not trying to be too mean here. I followed the Kickstarter of this thing and even Bill himself admitted that this cut was insane and deranged and should not really be, but there was a demand for it. And I contributed to that. So I'm very, very sorry.

I think 3 hour Dickshark was already asking way too much of any audience. It's a good 90 minute movie, but the problem is that Bill doesn't seem to understand which parts of his movies are good. Every subsequent edit I've seen has removed all of the humor in favor of naked women. Now I blankly love seeing a naked lady as much as anyone else, but come on man... when you so proudly proclaim on the back of your DVD that "NO this is not p-rn. P-rn does not look like this. If you equate nudity with pornography then you are immature." then you're gonna have to give me a reason why anyone would watch 20+ minutes of slow motion close-up p-ssy shots unless they wanted to tack off to it. I'm sorry I'm just not buying it!

I've said more than any normal person would say about a movie like this and I already anticipate the comments here:

"AGAIN?!" "STOP LOGGING DICKSHARK!" "IM SO TIRED OF SEEING YOU WATCH THIS EVERY WEEK!!!"

Look I understand but I just went through hours of mental torment and you are going to hear about it ok!

As expected, in stretching this out to an impossible 7 hours, the majority of the film is comprised of the slow motion nudity bits set to Bill's favorite metal songs. Some of the dialogue scenes are also extended but they're mainly bloopers or bad takes - this, to be fair, is kind of cute. It could certainly be the brain rot this inflicted on me but I did laugh many times. Except none of that matters because for every time I laughed, I wanted to cry, vomit, piss, and stab myself five times over during the duration of this.

I mean there was physical PAIN. My brain was sizzling inside of my skull. It is currently burnt n crispy.

The last 15 minutes are just nature videos. Not related to dicks or sharks or dicksharks or even naked women. Just waterfalls and birds flying around. Goodness.

I honestly have nothing else to say but I think this thing should be studied and maybe used as a torture device.

I have mixed impressions about this title.

Production is cheap. Lighting and cinematography are dreadful. The pace is glacial, the editing frustrating, and why oh why so much slo-mo?

There's a lot of female nudity, and all the actors are obviously there for the love of it because no-one is taking themselves, the nudity or the film too seriously. They can't even suppress their mirth at times. I can forgive the cheap props, gratuitous boob shots and micro-budget film-making because the ideas expressed are quite high-brow.

Others are complaining about the dialogue. It initially comes across as silly stuff, what seems to be many ad libs, off on tangents and probably a lot was shot in one take. There are gaps in the dialogue, the actors break eyeline, look at the camera or over to where I suspect the script is available to be read off camera. The script is at times frustrating and could have been shot and edited much, much better.

But the thing that surprised me within the eccentric dialogue are the observations and commentary on modern society, such as myths and clichés accepted as fact, the poor discipline in modern education and then, importantly, the call-back to a classic by Mary Shelley.

**Ding!** Dick is a modern Victor Frankenstein, destroyed by his own power and one of his own creations. The dialogue up to that moment has reflected Shelley's themes on the uneducated and the use of knowledge for good or evil. Does Dick even consider science for good or bad, or is the pursuit of science its own reward, as well as an excuse for fondling breasts?

High brow conversation and low brow visuals.

Is this porn? No, female nudity is not porn, besides which there are no male actor's bits seen on the screen. "Dickshark" is a direct descendant of the monster-nudie and nudie-cuties of the 60's. Remember Francis Ford Coppola's first couple of movies - "The Bellboy and the Playgirls" and "Tonight for Sure"? Who could foresee "The Godfather" series or "Apocalypse Now" from those nudie-cutie origins?

I make note of a few minutes dedicated to music credits at the end. I respect Bill Zebub's effort here of one artist promoting other collaborating artists. But Bill, if you read this, please get a fresh pair of eyes to check your spelling before delivering the final product. Mistakes abound!

In summary, if you can endure the glacial pace and many shortcomings in the craft of film-making evident in "Dickshark" there is a high concept running underneath all the boob shots and ridiculous props. .....and it pays to know Mary Shelley's writing.