- Marion McPherson: I want you to be the very best version of yourself that you can be.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: What if this is the best version?
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: Why can't you say I look nice?
- Marion McPherson: I thought you didn't even care what I think.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: I still want you to think I look good.
- Marion McPherson: Okay, I'm sorry. I was telling you the truth, do you want me to lie?
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: No, I mean, I just, I wish that you liked me.
- Marion McPherson: Of course I love you.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: But do you like me?
- Sister Sarah Joan: You clearly love Sacramento.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: I do?
- Sister Sarah Joan: You write about Sacramento so affectionately and with such care.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: I was just describing it.
- Sister Sarah Joan: Well, it comes across as love.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: Sure, I guess I pay attention.
- Sister Sarah Joan: Don't you think maybe they are the same thing? Love and attention?
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: Just because something looks ugly doesn't mean that it's morally wrong.
- Casey Kelly: You think dead children aren't morally wrong?
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: No. I'm just saying that, if you took up close pictures of my vagina while I was on my period, it would be disturbing but it doesn't make it wrong.
- Casey Kelly: Excuse me?
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: Listen, if your mother had had the abortion, we wouldn't have to sit through this stupid assembly!
- [last lines]
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: Hi, Mom and Dad, it's me, Christine. It's the name you gave me. It's a good one. Dad, this is more for Mom. Hey, Mom, did you feel emotional the first time that you drove in Sacramento? I did and I wanted to tell you, but we weren't really talking when it happened. All those bends I've known my whole life, and stores, and the whole thing. But I wanted to tell you I love you. Thank you, I'm... thank you.
- Kyle Scheible: Do you have any like, awareness about how many civilians we've killed since invasion in Iraq started?
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: Shut up! Shut up. Different things can be sad. It's not all war. Are we still going to prom together?
- Kyle Scheible: Sure.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: People call each other the names their parents made up for them, but they won't believe in God.
- Julie Steffans: Miss Patty assigned you a role by the way, you just never showed up to claim it.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: What role ?
- Julie Steffans: The Tempest.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: There is no role of the Tempest!
- Julie Steffans: It is the titular role!
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: No! It's a made-up thing so we all can participate.
- Julie Steffans: You can't do anything unless you're the center of attention, can you!
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: Yeah, well you know, your mom's tits, they're fake! Totally fake!
- Julie Steffans: She made one bad decision at 19!
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: Two bad decisions!
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: Are you and Mom gonna get a divorce over this?
- Larry McPherson: No. We can't afford to.
- Marion McPherson: Money is not life's report card. Being successful doesn't mean anything in and of itself. It just means that you're successful. But that doesn't mean that you're happy.
- Parish Priest: We're afraid that we will never escape our past. We're afraid of what the future will bring. We're afraid we won't be loved, we won't be liked. And we won't succeed.
- Kyle Scheible: What you do is very baller. You're very anarchist.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: Yeah. Fuck' em.
- Kyle Scheible: Don't worry, I'm not gonna snitch on you.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: Well, I hope not 'cause I'd fucking kill your family.
- Kyle Scheible: What?
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: Sorry. I... that was an exaggeration.
- Kyle Scheible: It's okay. My dad has cancer, so I guess God's doing that for us.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: I just wanted it to be special.
- Kyle Scheible: Why? You're going to have so much un-special sex in your life.
- Title Card: "Anyone who talks about California hedonism has never spent a Christmas in Sacramento." - Joan Didion
- Father Leviatch: Lady Bird. Is that your given name?
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: Yeah.
- Father Leviatch: Why is it in quotes?
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: Well, I gave it to myself. It's given to me, by me.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: You know, you can touch my boobs, right?
- Danny O'Neill: I know. It's just that I respect you too much for that.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: Cool. Awesome. I totally get that. Thank you.
- Danny O'Neill: You're welcome.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: If you had boobs, I wouldn't touch them either.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: Uh, it's my parents' number.
- Kyle Scheible: You don't have a cell phone?
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: No.
- Kyle Scheible: Good girl. The government didn't have to put tracking devices on us. We bought them and put them on ourselves.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: I don't own a tracking device.
- Kyle Scheible: No, no, no. The cellphones. You see?
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: Wow.
- Kyle Scheible: Yeah I know. I mean, you'll have one eventually. Everyones gonna have one. And then, it'll be a matter of time.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: Before what?
- Kyle Scheible: Before they put them in our brains.
- Guidance Counselor: So I understand you're not interested in any Catholic colleges?
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: No way. Sorry, but yes, no way.
- Guidance Counselor: Then you'll be applying to UCs and State schools?
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: Yeah, but also those East Coast liberal arts schools. Like Yale, but not Yale because I probably couldn't get in.
- Guidance Counselor: [laughs inappropriately] You definitely couldn't get in. Part of my job is to help you be realistic.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: Yeah. That seems like everyone's job.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: I hate California, I want to go to the East Coast. I want to go where culture is like, New York, or Connecticut or New Hampshire.
- Danny O'Neill: Your mom is crazy. I'm scared of her.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: She's not crazy. She just, you know, she has a big heart. She's very warm.
- Danny O'Neill: I don't find your mother warm.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: You don't?
- Danny O'Neill: No. No, she's warm, yeah, but she's also kind of scary.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: Well, you can't be scary and warm.
- Danny O'Neill: I think you can, your mom is.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: You're gay!
- Marion McPherson: We don't need to buy that.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: It's only three dollars. I'm having a hard week.
- Marion McPherson: Well, if you wanna read it, we can go down to the public library.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: I wanna read it in bed.
- Marion McPherson: That's something that rich people do. We're not rich people.
- Kyle Scheible: I didn't lose my virginity to you.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: Wait, what?
- Kyle Scheible: I lost my virginity to Cassie Duvall.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: Excuse me? You said you were a virgin.
- Kyle Scheible: No, I didn't. 'Cause I'm not. And I haven't lied in two years.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: If Danny and I get married and then his grandma died, I'd inherit the dream house.
- Julie Steffans: Wouldn't his parents get it?
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: Oh yeah, we'd have to kill them. And we'd have to kill his older brothers, too.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: Hey.
- [pause]
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: I like your band. With Jonah Ruiz? L'Enfance Nue?
- Kyle Scheible: [in french accent] L'Enfance Nue.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: Uh. Well, I saw your Thanksgiving show. My name's Lady Bird.
- Kyle Scheible: It's weird you shake hands.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: Yeah.
- [pause]
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: I'm friends with Jenna and she's always talking about how great your band is so I wanted to check it out.
- Kyle Scheible: Yeah, Jenna's hella tight.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: Yeah.
- Kyle Scheible: Maybe I'll see you at the Deuce or something?
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: Sure, see you at the Deuce.
- Miguel McPherson: Hey, I'm not paying you to flirt.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: [exhales] I wasn't flirting.
- Kyle Scheible: I wish you had been.
- Marion McPherson: If you're tired, we can sit down.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: I'm not tired.
- Marion McPherson: Oh, okay. I just couldn't tell because you were dragging your feet.
- Marion McPherson: [Lady Bird rolls her eyes] Well, I just couldn't tell.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: Why didn't you just say "pick up your feet"?
- Marion McPherson: I didn't know if you were tired.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: You're being passive aggressive.
- Marion McPherson: No, I wasn't.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: You are SO INFURIATING!
- Marion McPherson: Please stop yelling.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: I'm not yelling.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: [Marion picks out a pink dress] Oh, it's perfect!
- Marion McPherson: Do you love it?
- Sister Sarah Joan: Some of the students were disturbed by your posters.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: It's just a bird head in a lady body, or vice versa.
- Sister Sarah Joan: I think it's a little upsetting.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: It's my tradition to run for office. Don't worry, I won't win.
- Diana Greenway: I heard that before he became a priest, he was married, and had a son named Etienne, who died at 17 of a drug overdose, which maybe was a suicide. But my mom says same difference, if you're that careless with your life.
- [first lines]
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: Do you think I look like I'm from Sacramento?
- Marion McPherson: [while cleaning up their motel room] You are from Sacramento.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: You don't have to do that.
- Marion McPherson: Well, it's nice to make things neat and clean. You ready to go home?
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: Ready.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: I just don't get why I'm not good at math. My dad is really good at math. Even Miguel has a math degree.
- Julie Steffans: Maybe it's your mom's fault.
- Darlene Bell: You're not supposed to eat the wafers.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: They're not consecrated.
- Danny O'Neill: I just remembered I had a dream about you.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: Really?
- Danny O'Neill: Yeah.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: What happened?
- Danny O'Neill: We were - we were flying to Disneyland on a giant carrot.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: That's awesome!
- Sister Sarah Joan: They do a fall musical and a spring play, and from what I hear it's a real blast.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: What I'd really like is to be on Math Olympiad.
- Sister Sarah Joan: But math isn't something you're terribly strong in.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: That we know of yet.
- Marion McPherson: Do you think that Shelly and Miguel have sex on the pull-out couch?
- Larry McPherson: Oh, yeah.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: Is that your family?
- Danny O'Neill: Yeah.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: Wow, there's so many of you.
- Danny O'Neill: Irish-Catholic. It's hard to find a girl to date that's not my cousin.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: Who is Jim Morrison again?
- Miguel McPherson: He was in a rock band, moron, The Doors.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: I knew that.
- Sister Sarah Joan: I'm going to write you a citation Miss Walton. No more short skirts.
- [leaves]
- Jenna Walton: Sarah Joan is all up in my jock.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: She's a cunt.
- Julie Steffans: Birdy, you like her.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: Yeah but, she's a cunt.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: In the tub I just - I scoot myself under, just like now, like this, and then the water just - whoop...
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson, Julie Steffans: Whoop.
- Julie Steffans: We are so gross.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: I think I figured it out when I was like three or something.
- Julie Steffans: I use, I take the shower head...
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: Oh my God.
- Julie Steffans: This is embarrassing! I use that.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: I don't know if mine is the right kind though. Maybe it's different when you actually have a penis in there, like it's more intense.
- Julie Steffans: Mine is pretty intense, I think.
- Sister Sarah Joan: There are the classics: St. Augustine, of course, Aquinas. My favorite, Kierkegaard. Oh, wait until you hear his love story. It will make - you swoon.
- Julie Steffans: I don't even know how I got cast in my part.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: Me neither. I was the one who had a dress and prepared a song.
- Julie Steffans: I know.
- Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson: Now you're going to be all romantic with Danny on stage.
- Julie Steffans: It's probably my only shot at that, you know?
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