Aap wong

I caught this on Amazon's Prime streaming service. Unfortunately the image was stretched vertically, so everyone was tall and skinny. Amazon's tech acceptance team needs to get its act together.

That apart, the film is pretty terrible. No plot, except that a young man decides to become a gigolo. It's supposed to be about the lead having a large penis, but, of course, we never see that, although there are plenty of jiggly breasts. This is what porn films looked like before porn was legally available.

Yeah, that's going to be a no. Just no.

When I sat down to watch the 2015 Hong Kong movie "The Gigolo" (aka "Aap wong"), I was under the impression that it was a a romantic comedy/drama, as that is what it was listed as here on IMDb. Little did I know that I was in for what was essentially a pointless movie of sleazy softcore porn.

Yeah, that is exactly what this movie turned out to be. And had I known that prior to watching it, I would most likely have skipped it. But hey, there is an audience out there for movies such as this, I just wasn't in that audience.

Needless to say that you will not find any Hong Kong celebrity names on the cast list for a movie such as this. And I have seen quite a lot of Hong Kong movies in my time, but I wasn't familiar with a single of the actors or actresses on the cast list in this movie, aside from Elena Kong. But she isn't really a major name in the Hong Kong cinema.

The storyline in "The Gigolo" is about a young student whom is apparently so well-endowed that animals would be envious of him, and as he drops out of school he has to resort to working as a gigolo in order to support his mother and himself.

Sure, the storyline could just as easily have been a romantic comedy, but it just went overboard and became tacky, sleazy softcore porn. And I wasn't impressed. In fact, I managed to sit through 49 minutes of the ordeal, then I was ready to claw my eyes out. I got up and turned off the movie, never to return to watch the rest of it, much less actually sit down to watch part II.

I was not entertained in any way by this movie, although I am rating it a three out of ten stars, and that is solely because of the production level of the movie. The movie definitely had that working in its favor.

There's no other way to say this – 'The Gigolo' is a terrible film.

Its Chinese title may suggest a throwback to the Cat III movies of the 80s and 90s, and at least at the start, that seems to be what writer/ director Au Cheuk-Man was aiming for. Indeed, it would be fine if Au wanted his movie to be no more than a sex farce, but no, halfway through the farce, he decides that he ought to make it some moving drama about how the shy, mild-mannered teenager who overcomes his inhibitions not by choice but by circumstance and becomes the titular 'King of Gigolos' is now tragically prevented from falling in love despite having found his soulmate. The result is one of the most ludicrous plot contrivances we've seen in a while, enough really to make us go limp, if you catch our drift.

The gigolo at the centre of Au's film is Ho Kui-Fong (played by 'Lan Kwai Fong's' Dominic Ho), who relates his 'coming-of-age' story beginning from his high-school days as a basketball player who crosses path with a gangsterly schoolmate that happens to be in love with the same girl. Their disagreement boils over when that same schoolmate tries but fails to frame his fellow player for drug possession and then demands compensation for it in return; expelled from school, and forced to support his family after his mother hurts her back, he goes to work at his aunt's (Elena Kong) club as a janitor, where due to his clean-cut looks, he gets some of her regular clientele excited at seeing 'fresh meat'.

Egged on by his aunt, Fung decides to make his maiden foray into the skin trade but ends up humiliating himself by 'cumming' too early in front of Yoyo (Hazel Tong) and seasoned veteran Chris (TVB star Ronan Pak). That forms his resolve to seek out Absom, who has a reputation for being 'king of the gigolos' and which he eventually does. In one of its most self-aware moments, the filmmakers have cast former Cat III actor Pal Sin as Absom, whose training of Fung includes getting the latter to lick a coin against a mirror so quickly that it stays on the surface and using his fingers against a woman's body as if he were playing the piano. These scenes are arguably the most entertaining bits of the movie, but their pleasures are not new – fans of Hong Kong Cat III sex comedies will recognise the similarities with Chapman To's 'Naked Ambition II', where he received similar training under veteran Japanese AV actor Taka Kato.

Whereas To's earlier film was a self-aware parody of the well- established Japanese AV industry, Au's own chronicle of one man's rise to fame (pun intended) is entirely self-serious, so much so that any hint of humour is in fact unintentional. Unfortunately for its sake, it actually is funny, but only because it is jaw-droppingly daft without knowing it. Why should a bunch of thugs out to collect a debt end up hacking their debtor to death, while leaving the debtor's family member right next to him virtually unscathed? What are the odds that one of Fung's regular clients, Michelle (Candy Yuen), turns out to be the stepmother of his girlfriend Chloe (Jeana Ho)? What are the odds that Fung's aunt happens to be in debt as well, such that she would hand over a personal video of Fung at work in her club servicing her clients to Michelle so that the latter can wreck her stepdaughter's relationship with her gigolo?

We get that plot isn't necessarily one of the strong suites of a movie like this, but Au's intention to draw sympathy for Fung and his awkward predicament having 'f**ked' both his girlfriend and her stepmother is simply hilarious. That doesn't even begin to describe the finale, which is so ludicrous it deserves an award of its own. Besides a jealous husband and an equally envious stepmother, there is also a vindictive step-daughter and rape and murder thrown in for good measure. It is utterly absurd to say the very least, just the icing on the cake – or to be more accurate, the hovering fly on top of the stinking pile of turd that this maudlin and woefully filmed drama is.

Since character is just as inconsequential here, the acting is just as forgettable; instead, what you're probably interested to know is how much skin each actor or actress shows. Like what you've already heard, Candy Yuen goes topless for a number of sex scenes in the movie, but don't count on the former Miss Hong Kong contestant to set your pulse racing. On the other hand, Jeana Ho is all tease and no show, so those looking for her to follow in the footsteps of Yuen might as well banish that thought. Females however will likely get a kick out of seeing Dominic Ho bare (almost) all for the camera, and it doesn't hurt that he does look great in the role.

And yet, as the saying goes, beauty is just skin deep, so if you're looking for skin and nothing else, then yes you'll get some of that in 'The Gigolo'. Even so, to sit through one and a half hours of tedium just to get to those scenes is hardly worth the while, and it is not even as if the wait can be called foreplay to begin with. Rather than turn this into some melodrama about the plight of a reluctant teenager turned professional gigolo, Au would have done his film and himself a favour by making a straightforward comedy instead of one that ends up being unintentionally so. No wonder then that even Wong Jing himself stepped away from making this farce of a farce after all – yes, it really is that bad.

Soft-core flick about a gigolo's origin story. Poor nerd becomes first-rate rent-a-stud to support his ailing mother with his only marketable tool. Sheesh!

The erotic content is about the level of premium cable late-night porn (abundance of breasts and buns, but not genitalia), though lower in % of running time because they think the story is worth telling. Many will disagree. The sexual scenes are well-staged, and the cast is quite attractive, delivering in style on the guilty pleasure part of the package. If you're wanting to stimulate the rest of your brain, look elsewhere.

The plot synopsis and description describes this film as comedy drama teen thriller erotic type film and it does seem to mesh these genres.

It starts off quite like a teen film with our lead Fung attending school (age didn't seem to be mentioned but assumed to be of at least 18 in high school) then an incident with a bully gets him expelled. Needing money to support his sickly mother he goes to work at his aunt's (or cousin?) club as a janitor. Almost immediately he gets noticed by a client of a gigolo. It was rather quick and unrealistic in a sense but this film has a lot of unrealistic aspects.

Of course it wasn't his intention in becoming a gigolo but he quickly changed a tune once offered a lot of money.

There are a lot of innuendos made by characters referring to his package size throughout to the point where it feels entirely forced and unrealistic.

There are several explicit and nude scenes however none actually showing his. One quite lengthy scene is with him and one of his client (whom later is revealed to be the step mother of his girlfriend- very coincidental but it's possible, around 56:40- 1:00:40).

The film seemingly flips when he suddenly does an acting shoot for a film about being a gigolo (the girlfriend didn't know he was actually one).

A lot of forced comical relief in this film doesn't feel authentic, especially in the first half. The drama is the better aspect.

It starts off interesting. Drags somewhat afterwards then its conclusion finale was incredibly unpredictable and turned more to a violent off putting thriller.

Around where Fung meets his girlfriend's father at a house dinner a lot of chaos occurs as it becomes quite entertaining. It then ramps up its violence with its finale once the father finds Fung's secret.

Somewhat feels forced but it's different than the typical Hollywood film endings we are accustomed to.

Depending on what you may expect, this film isn't exactly great but has a certain unpredictable and an entertainment factor.