Peabody's Improbable History

. . . Horatio Nelson lost his eye, the know-it-all mutt replies "search me." Peabody is wise to shield the impressionable kid from the disreputable facts delineating the thoroughly disreputable Nelson's Life and Injuries. An ardent supporter of Human Bondage, Nelson married a trafficker's daughter expecting to reap a fortune in illicit plantation profits. When he learned that he'd been hoodwinked by the people profiteers, he started having children with a decent woman. This enraged his spouse F-word, whose obscene name rhymes with "canny." First she poked out one of his eyes with a steak knife, later disarming him with a meat cleaver and finally fatally would him with a Cat of Nine Tails. Lord Nelson already was in Dutch with the British monarch for being a close ally of a dude who tried to assassinate King George III, barely escaping a double-header decapitation. Therefore, Britain covered up all of Horatio's family spat blood-letting as "war injuries," and erected a giant shaft in his memory in downtown London.

. . . the focal point of PEABODY'S IMPROBABLE HISTORY: DON JUAN centers around a common garden vegetable; namely, the lowly onion. These ground appetizers were first discovered by a Greek named Aristotle Plato in 4,926 BC. Legend has it that Arie, as he was known to his fellow farmers, stumbled across a wild onion while cultivating a field for his asparagus crop around 8 AM on a Friday morning Be that as it may, there are seven major species of commercial onions, breaking into 391 distinct varieties when all is said and done. Mr. Peabody does not make it clear to which type of white tuber Mr. Juan becomes addicted. Chances are that it is the Rebel Vidalia product.