Citas

When it comes down to it, we're really just a big ant farm with beepers.

America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school.

Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer.

You like the Red Skelton painting? Buy the Red Skelton painting. You like Home Improvement (1991)? Tape it and go over it like the [Abraham Zapruder] film. It's your life; live it on your terms.

These liberals are telling me that I should take it easy on the terrorists. They said that our founding fathers would have gone easier on them. They were, after all, for civil liberties. Let me ask you a question: Do you really think that our founding fathers would have put up with any of this shit? I mean, our founding fathers blew peoples' heads off because they put a tax on their morning beverage!

[on filmmaker Michael Moore during a 2003 episode of The Tonight Show with Jay Leno (1992)] He's going to wake up every day for the rest of his life, and he's going to tell us how he hates everything about this country except his right to hate it. And then we say that we love it and he's going to tell us what naive sheep we are and that he's the true patriot because he hates it and he sees all the problems in it. Yeah, right, Mike. You know something, if my yawn got any bigger they'd have to assign it a hurricane name, okay? Michael Moore simultaneously represents everything I detest in a human being and everything I feel obligated to defend in an American. Quite simply, it is that stupid moron's right to be that utterly, completely wrong.

The only way we were going to get the French to go into Iraq was to tell them we thought there were truffles in there.

Parenting is the easiest job to get - you just have to screw up once and it's yours.

I used to be sceptic, but not anymore, because now I am positive that I'm getting screwed.

Thanks to the notion of dysfunction, every zipperhead in this country can tap himself with a Freudian wand and go from failed frog to misunderstood prince.

I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian. I'm not Ed Murrow [Edward R. Murrow] up on the roof in a London fog reporting on the blitz.

Andy Warhol was an optimist. It's more like 2 1/2 minutes [of fame].

Everybody has to sell out at some point to make a living. I'm a family man. I sold out to make an M&M commercial. They offer incredible amounts of money, and I say, 'What can I do to sell one more piece of candy for you? Do you want me to hug the M&M?

I believe everything I say in the show, but I don't walk around in my everyday life like some incensed [Grigory Rasputin]. If I did, do you know how alone I'd be in the world?

[on his "rants"] It's therapy. It's the same stuff I used to say to my shrink. I have a great place to rant: my show. Most people don't. Watch that ranting in real life.

[on 77-year-old President Ronald Reagan] He has access to "the button". You know, my grandfather is 77 and we won't even let him use the remote.

Now let me get this straight. [President George W. Bush] is anti-abortion, but pro-death penalty. I guess it's all in the timing, huh?

If somebody wants to shoot up and die in front of you, more power to them. The herd has a way of thinning itself out.

You wanna know how useless a journalism degree is? I have one!

It's been said that every cigarette you smoke shortens your life by 7 minutes. My uncle proved this the hard way; the first and only cigarette he ever smoked was on a cross-country trip by air. Right after takeoff, he lit up; halfway through the cigarette, he suddenly dropped dead of a heart attack. Seven minutes later, the plane crashed into a mountain.

In my experience, there are five tell-tale signs that you've been consuming too much tobacco for too long: 1) You wrap a nicotine patch around every cigarette you smoke; 2) You have twin sons named Benson and Hedges; 3) You name each cigarette and have a personal conversation with it while you smoke; 4) At Arlington Cemetery, while paying your respects to JFK, you lean over and light one up off the Eternal Flame; 5) You sweat pure tar.