Infernal

I'm going to file this under "could have been good". The story had potential. The direction didn't seem terrible. The acting however was just atrocious, with the exception of the little girl. The biggest down fall of this B rated, well maybe C rated, movie is the dialogue. It's just incredibly bad. The characters cuss constantly which isn't a problem for me really, but then they mix in large words that sound completely out of character. An example would be something like "F**k, I have to walk swiftly into the washroom of our domicile and use the proper facilities to take a s**t." It's like that through the whole movie, very strange. It's one of those movies that you just have to finish to see how bad the train wreck is going to be. I really think the story was a decent one though, just poorly pulled off. I like horror movies that use very little special effects, because for me it adds to the thought "this could happen". Anyway, I wouldn't say it was a complete waste of time, but it was close.

What is wrong with you people making this kind of crap?! This movie is neither scary nor interesting, it is just a boring waste of time! This is just 99 minutes into the boring life of sick people who don't even know why they actually auditioned to be in that movie in the first place. Please, stop the found footage stuff, we already got it : it is lame, the camera is shaky, we're getting seasick from watching a movie, and that is not supposed to be happening! The horror genre is going down and is probably going to disappear into the freak genre of stupidity. I would have liked to review something if there were any material to actually review, but there is none! It is ludicrous how that kind of dough could found enough support to make into an actual movie.

Infernal is a story about a couple who get married, have a child and live an increasingly difficult life. Much of this is because they have a weird little girl--one that a therapist says is autistic, though there isn't a lot of evidence for this, as the child's actions, though weird, were not consistent with this diagnosis. Later, however, she starts acting creepy and you see glimpses of demonic type stuff on the family's home video cameras.

The story had some nice creepy moments, however, on balance I would not recommend the film. I have a strong prejudice against movies that employ the unsteady cam--a camera that never seems to stay in one place. A lot of TV shows and movies have been made that way but shouldn't have. Now I am not saying that nothing should be shot that way, as there are a few good examples where the camera looking like it's being held by someone with tremors isn't bad--such as with the deliriously profitable Blair Witch Project. But watching films like this is really hard on the eyes and unless there is a real compelling reason, these sort of films and shows quickly annoy. A few times such camera-work would have worked during the course of Infernal (such as when the family was videotaping various events such as weddings and a birthday party) but everything?! Additionally, the dialog seemed to need a lot of work. All too often the characters just said 'f**k' at the exclusion of something meaningful.

There is a weird trend where horror movies are made so, a) all of the characters are AS ANNOYING AS POSSIBLE, b) the plot is "written" so that nothing flows together or is explained in the narrative, and c) there is no horror to speak of.

This is perfect, if that's what you've been looking for.

The characters are just. I was rooting for them to die. They are just borrowed stereotypes. Oh, dude-bro afraid of commitment and his dude-bro best man aiming the camera at his dick and bridesmaids crotches. The wife trapping said dude-bro into marriage with her terrible ovaries. The vaguely ethnic relatives with spiritual advice? Screeching, nagging, "all I am is a mother and wife" women. At one point the father says that Imogene is impossible to know, and that is because this child has no character. Just like everyone else in this movie.

The movie is filled with completely unnecessary scenes. The wedding and birth, for example, add nothing to the plot. We get that they are getting married and having a baby before the title is shown and then they spend another 10 minutes on it. Unless everyone is going to die in a bloodbath of doom, I don't want to see your wedding in a horror movie get out. There are four scenes dedicated to Imogene brushing her hair. FOUR. This is not important. We get when you SAY IT SIX MORE TIMES that she has issues. Jesus Christ.

The only other thing that this movie contains is the shrill arguments of everyone in this movie and some horror clips stolen from old Are You Afraid of the Dark episodes.

Satan is honestly disappointed that he was brought into this horrific attempt at a movie. What even. Fog machines and floating toys? At least the cirque du soleil crowd got some extra work, though seriously. Could have done better, guys.

Any film by Uncork'd can be hit or miss. I have never seen one of them be quite this much of a miss. The plot was there but the movie was so poorly written it did not make any difference. The lead male could not emote any true feeling. Some parts of the movie are completely out of place and seem like time fillers. I expect at least one likable character in any movie. There was not one in this movie. Every time you think you can get behind one character or another they go off in a completely different direction. The story arcs do not go together at all. It is really like you are watching scenes shot out of sequence and then just randomly put together. I am sitting here after the credits still wondering how this film ever made it out of pre-production. The only positive I can find (and this is digging) is that the movie has some pretty good music tracks. Absolutely terrible movie.