Witch

Some films are so bad they're good. Witch (2024) is so bad, it's almost insulting. Directed (or rather, mishandled) by Craig Hinde and Marc Zammit, this supposed folk horror catastrophe is one of the most painful cinematic experiences in recent memory.

The movie starts off slow-and not in a brooding, atmospheric way. It's just boring. Within the first ten minutes, it's clear that pacing, suspense, and coherent storytelling were left at the script draft stage. The plot, which revolves around a man trying to prove his wife isn't a witch, somehow manages to drag despite being absurdly thin. When the film suddenly throws in a half-baked multiverse twist, it's less of a shock and more of a desperate grasp for relevance.

The acting ranges from wooden to downright embarrassing. The only slightly redeemable performance comes from Daniel Jordan, who tries his best with the role of a judge-but even he can't save this trainwreck. The rest of the cast feel like they were pulled from a last-minute community theatre audition.

The direction is amateurish, with lifeless scenes, bizarre editing, and dialogue that sounds like it was written by an AI trained solely on Tumblr posts and bad Renaissance Fair scripts. The horror elements? Laughable. At one point, a poorly rendered CGI flame floats across the screen like a PowerPoint animation. It's hard to tell if this was meant to be scary or if the film is secretly a parody of itself.

Visually, it's a mess. Despite being set in 16th-century England, everything feels oddly artificial and modern. The cinematography has all the charm of a history channel reenactment on a tight budget.

I can usually find something to appreciate even in the lowest-budget indie films. I want to like them. But Witch is on another level of bad. I honestly don't think I could finish it even if you paid me-not without falling asleep or losing my will to live.

Final verdict: Do yourself a favor and skip this one. Burn some sage, say a prayer, and pretend Witch (2024) never existed.

By gum, this is truly diabolical. Neil Marshall made a similarly-themed turkey a few years ago, yet this makes that seem like a bleedin' classic in comparison. No effort has been made here. Plot, acting, sets, wardrobes, dialogue, budget. One of the leads wears a terrible false beard throughout. Poor bugger, I felt for him because he seemed to show a bit more energy than the others; like a temp trying to get a perm job in the office. A well known newspaper suggested this was worth a go, but that rag's been going downhill too in recent years. I even paid for this on a streaming site, what was I thinking? I'm thinking I'll need to watch Captain Kronos again to erase this crud from my memory.

Honestly?

1. As non native english speaker I'd know that in 1500 you would speak like thy/thou/etc , and not "what's up?". ESPECIALLY in England (dunno USA ).

2. Then come the effects. Sometimes reasonably good but never great (rather poor).

3. Actors' play is somewhat good but didn't make me fall of the chair.

4. Music... what music ?

5. Costumes bearable but NOT GREAT.

I could go on till I reach 20 or even 100 perhaps. But what's the point?

The movie I was so looking forward to (because of the trailer) seems to be great... Yes GREAT.

Disappointment.

Make yourself a favor and don't watch it.

This extremely entertaining gothic horror story, co-directed by Craig Hinde and Mark Zammit, will keep you completely engrossed and on the edge of your seat the entire time.

Starring in Witch is the excellent Russell Shaw, who gives a remarkable performance as the mysterious recluse Thomas. Shaw undoubtedly has a great future ahead of him, and I hope to see more work from him.

Fabrizio Santino, Ryan Spong, Daniel Jordan, and Sarah Alexandra Marks all deliver outstanding performances as well.

Richard Oakes provides the stunning cinematography which is beautiful to watch.

Reece Sanders handles the visual effects masterfully, and they are consistently very powerful.

The stunning settings and costumes, which heighten the sense of realism and transport you to 16th-century England, are always well-detailed.

Imran Ahmed, a very gifted composer, has created an incredible score that enhances the historical context of England in 1575.

Strongly recommended; supernatural horror enthusiasts will adore it.

Don't believe the high ratings for this film!

These people must be paid shills who are inflating the film's quality for profit.

Historical inaccuracies and inconsistencies abound. "Okay" was not used until 1839. A bowl of obviously plastic fruit is set on the blacksmith's table. Swords are flimsy aluminum. Acting is at best 2nd rate. The horseshoes that the blacksmith is hammering are absolutely cold, and made for gaming, not for shoeing horses. After he hammers these cold horseshoes uselessly for a while, he hands them directly into the bare hands of a customer, and later his wife, even though he was holding them with tongs while hammering them, indicating that they were very hot!

After William and Twyla escape from the jail, the guard who pursues them suddenly just gives up and goes back to town, even though the escapees were only about 20 feet ahead of them!

Johanna was caught red-handed, holding her parents' heads in her hands in the middle of town, yet William screams out at her trial, "How many innocent people have been sent to the gallows by these so-called trials?" Apparently, William does not consider fratricide or matricide as crimes worth prosecution!

"Twyla" was not used as a name until 1965.

AntiChristian bias also abounds! The town priest is a sadistic psychopath who thinks it's his job to cleanse the filthy peasants of their sins by corporal and capital punishment. The gray-robed shaman says that the devil is nothing to be feared. And all religion is a lie based on fear. Demons are evil, but the devil is OK? WTF? Who's the chief of the demons? Wouldn't he be the devil?

DUH!

The old shaman also claims to be William at a younger age. But this begs the question, how did young William's huge nose shrink so much over the years?

Of course, we have more of the parallel universe string theory nonsense that prevails in way too many stories these days. Conveniently makes even the most moronically rudimentary plot too complicated to make sense of! Utter garbage!

I got swindled out of $5 to suffer through this worthless mess, but I am writing this review so that perhaps, in your universe, you will be wise enough not to repeat my painful error!

May the Farts be with all you motherlovers!