- Dave: Hi, I'm Dave.
- Ronnie: Ronnie.
- Dave: Ronnie. That's a great name.
- Ronnie: Thank you.
- Dave: Do you have a cell phone I can use?
- Ronnie: Why?
- Dave: Someone's got to call God and let him know one of his angels are missing.
- Ronnie: Wow, that is the worst lines I've ever heard.
- Dave: Well what do you want from me? I've been out of the game for a while. I've been slumming it with a really hot redhead.
- Jason: What if someone put a gun to your head right now and said, "You have to answer this second or I'II shoot. "Are they going to make it?" What do you say? What would you say?
- Therapist #2: Whoa! Okay, no one has a gun to my head, Mr. Smith.
- Jason: It's hypothetical.
- Therapist #2: It's not a place for inappropriate behavior. And you definitely don't pull a hypothetical gun on your therapist!
- Joey: When you're living in my house, you're a Taliban! Okay? You keep your body a secret. Except you get to, you know, go to school and read books.
- Dave: What we need to do now is get focused and stop pointing fingers. You're a problem. You're a real, real problem.
- Therapist #1: David, how did that make you feel?
- Dave: I know my truth.
- Therapist #1: Excuse me?
- Dave: I know my truth.
- Therapist #1: Did you say,"I know my truth"? Oh, boy.
- Therapist #2: It's like a little kid gets a puppy for the first time, just hugs it so much, snaps it's neck. It's puppy cradle death syndrome. All that love is gonna snap that puppy.
- Therapist #2: [During Jason & Cynthia's therapy session, talking to Jason] It's like a little kid who gets a puppy for the first time,just hugs it so much,snaps its neck. Cynthia's your puppy. It's puppy-cradle death syndrome. All that love is going to snap that puppy.
- Dave: Look, if you want to go play guess your disease, or translate your tribal tattoo, go knock yourself out.
- [post credits scene]
- Shane: The Federal Reserve is a pimp. They want you to be in debt. That's how it works: they give you these credit cards you can't pay for, HD, motorcycles. It's all a pimp game.