Butchered

The quote in the review's subject is the actual tagline for this 2010 straight-to-video horror quickie poetically entitled …"Butchered". Hmm, I guess someone confused classic horror with amateur nonsense. Yes I'm looking at you Mr. and Mrs. Writers/Co-directors! But then again, you honestly can't be too harsh in your criticism because basically they only had the modest ambition to make a very straightforward and rudimentary slasher picture to bring homage to all the trash released during the glorious 1980's. "Butchered" is a (barely) 70 minutes long series of ancient clichés, usual stereotypes and a whole lot of predictable situations. Somewhere in a quiet harbor town in North Carolina – of all places - there's a deranged axe-wielding serial killer on the lam. His name is Terence Skinner and he used to work in the butcher shop of his parents, but then went bonkers after his return from the Gulf war and massacred more than 40 people. Or at least that's what the journalist explains during the opening credits, which have some pretty cool musical guidance as well. In the nearby town, a handful of teenagers decide to spend one last weekend partying together before they head off for college. They go to a little island to camp and have random sex, but guess who they bump into there! All the potboiler elements that you except to see are well-presented: campfire stories, mobile phones without a signal, people stupidly splitting up to search missing friends and agonizing dialogs like "Oh my God, we're so going to die!!". "No, shut up, we're not going to die!". In good old 80's tradition, you can also immediately predict the order in which the teenagers are going to knocked off. Starting with the cute looking but redundant random girls, onwards to the sex-obsessed dumb friend and then quickly towards the loyal black guy and his girlfriend. The gore and the killings are disappointingly lame and monotonous. We're talking mainly about swinging and flying axes, but we aren't seeing the actual impact. Terence Skinner is a boring and unimaginative killer without any sort of charisma or "specialty". There's one sequence in which his silhouette stands motionless amidst the trees and covered in fog. I rather liked that sight because it promptly reminded me of "Madman" and that's a personal favorite (better call it "guilty pleasure") of mine. "Butchered" is available on a cheap disc together with three other masterpieces of amateur horror, so if you pick up a DVD like that at Walmart, you pretty much know what to expect.

The tag-line says "It's in the vein of classic horror". I guess so, if you took all the great 80's slasher flicks and condensed them to an hour.

The premise is the usual, partying teens trapped on an island with an escaped serial killer, insert nude girl here and flying axe there and you've basically seen the movie.

It's unbelievably short, clocking in at about 1h18min. The entire movie could have been cut down to 45 minutes if you cut out the opening credits and scenes of them partying in slow motion. The movie was pretty much bloodless and unsuspenseful. If they took out the nudity and the profanity, it probably would have gotten a PG rating.

So, if you have about an hour to kill (no pun intended), go ahead and take a look. If anything to laugh at the cliché factor.

Released to video in 2010 and directed by Charles Stewart Jr., "Butchered" details events on the coast of North Carolina when a group of high school grads take one last camping trip to their favorite party island. Unfortunately, a mad butcher is on the loose.

While this is a micro-budget slasher flick with the typical problems therein (e.g. sound) it's competently made and delivers the goods for what it is. Some thought was actually put into the script as the likable main characters are effectively fleshed-out. The acting ain't bad either, at least for obscure no-names. There are a few fetching nubile females and you can't beat the North Carolina coastal cinematography. If you like the Friday the 13th flicks and can handle no-budget independent productions "Butchered" is worth checking out.

The film runs 71 minutes and was shot in Wilmington, North Carolina, and nearby Carolina Beach State Park. The script was written by Shaun O'Rourke, Sheila Brothers & Roxanne Marchand.

GRADE: B-

Seven high school friends want to spend one last weekend camping on an isolated island. Unfortunately for them, a serial killer escaped custody and ends up on the very same island! What are the odds? It's a simple premise in a great location but this movie manages to waste every opportunity it can. Seven people. Remote location. Stalk, slash, end. I can kind of see the subplot about Dylan not wanting to take over the family fishing business and instead attend Stanford to become a lawyer but there's too much discussion about it. And why are we asked to care about his older brother's marriage and future plans? There are nubile young people trapped on an island with an escaped maniac, and we're wasting time with bro in a bar. The pacing is also weird - although there's a nice kill early on, it takes forever for our teens to meet The Butcher and once they do, there's no real sense of danger or urgency.

Whatever. I could deal with these failures if there had been some good gore on display but that's a big disappointment too and it's unforgivable. Look, the movie is not only called Butchered, the escaped psycho is a butcher with the nickname "The Butcher" so sue me if I expected some actual butchery. Perhaps they should have called it "Hit Once with an Ax" - otherwise, this is just an egregious case of false advertising.