Beastly Boyz

5 minutes of running through the woods + 5 minutes of sitting in front of a bunch of candles in your skivvies + 10 minutes of the camera panning up and down the toned, scantily clothed bodies of young guys + 50 minutes of a dude in his undies running a large knife up and down the bodies of the same scantily clad young guys = Beastly Boys! No script, absolutely no acting talent required! Apparently the only thing that matters is that your bum look great in a pair of boxer briefs! Can I please have back the 75 minutes (well, actually more like 15 minutes - my finger was on the fast forward most of the time) I just wasted viewing this piece of trash?

I don't even know what to rate this. Naturally, it's one of the worst things I've ever seen, but I also laughed so hard I hyperventilated. Morbidly, violently horny Beastly Boyz truly transcends any kind of metrics and refuses to do anything that would classify it as a motion picture. I'm actually close to start considering that it's something more than a cheap attempt to make a quick buck on bargain bins.

There's got to be a reason for a 10 minute long workout montage (besides the fact that Sebastian Gacki/Stewart is a fine-looking hunk), for all the endless knife plays, for the fact that there's not a single line of dialogue (the viewer only hears female voiceover urging Sebastian to keep penetrating the bad boys with his long, hard, shiny knife). There has to be, right? Please?

Sadly, from time to time certain people emerge who are so completely devoid of talent...a metaphorical untalented black-hole if you will, that sucks any/all semblance of talent from anyone and everyone who participates in their endeavors, to the extent that even someone as great as Sir Lawrence Olivier would be unable to withstand the suction. David DeCoteau would epitomize this phenomenon. Watching what amounts to an extended Abercrombie and Fitch ad, it would seem the basic plot here is athletic men undress and shower in slow motion, with an increasing emphasis on camera-zooms to their torsos (but don't worry...even though this is obviously gay-themed, there is absolutely NO nudity of any sort to worry about). The music crescendos during the shower scenes seem to provoke several emotional reactions from the viewer; "Wait! Is he going to use a conditioner? Oh, no! There's no luffa sponge in sight!" Just a mess. Don't bother.

David Decoteau seems to have earned, rightly so, a reputation as the Roger Corman of gay horror schlock, having produced a dozen such movies in the past four years. He uses an interchangeable cast of nobodies who probably just came off of a modeling shoot or out of the nearest twink bar, and has an Uwe Boll-like proclivity for reusing the same sets and locations over and over, probably because it's cheap to film there. Beastly Boyz takes a slightly different tack from most of his movies, because the script is about as long as the Preamble to the Constitution. Instead of silly things like plot and dialog, we get treated to extended scenes of the main character rubbing a knife up and down the bodies of lithe young men. These sequences literally last for several minutes at a time. The movie is 74 minutes long, but it feels much longer, just because it doesn't ever bother to *do* anything. If you have a fetish for knife play, then this is the movie for you, but I don't think anyone else needs to see this.

Oh David Decateou the movies you make. This movie is some nonsense about a young scantily clad man who decides to avenge his twin sisters death by a group of hot scantily clad guys who (I guess) live at an abandoned camp in the middle of the woods. Basically the movie has him scantily clad going to murder these guys who are also pretty naked in the shower, bed, working out etc. He than sort of massages them for a long time and traces their bodies with a knife before killing them mostly off screen. I wish I could say I hated it but the truth is the guys are pretty damn hot and the movie is kinda sexy. Don't get me wrong like Decateou's other films it's not a good movie but sometimes they just work because of what they are and this does well mostly anyways. Unintentionally funny and seductively engaging Beastly boyz is a homoerotic hoot.

6/10