The Bracelet of Bordeaux

I think this is the first B-movie that is family oriented, but that is what it is. My 7 and 5 year-old watched it all of the way through. It's run time is 99 minutes. I found nothing objectionable in this PG rated movie. It's got an OK story, but I found the accents of Grandmere and her grand daughter hard to understand. It is now showing up on DVD around the local movie stores and you should know that while it is entertaining, there's nothing spectacular here either. The video appears to be non-film, but I could be wrong about that; as if it was shot digitally. I didn't recognize any of the actors in the film. The plot has been done many times before; dog-napping ring and there are mafia references.

This film is not good. At all. The best thing about this film is the two cute girls in the lead roles. I found them endearing, in spite of the film's many weaknesses. The writing is really bad and the performances of the adult actors are all too over the top and completely ineffective. The film isn't very funny or entertaining and feels longer than it is. It isn't well made and feels like it was thrown together by amateurs with a really low budget. Despite the pretty young leading ladies best efforts, this film doesn't work. 4/10 is my rating and that is me being nice because it has a couple cute kids in it.

Fm: Frank Eakin, Producer

Below you will find excerpts from four reviews, written by professional journalists and critics:

THE BRACELET OF BORDEAUX REVIEWS

By Greg Flakus, Voice of America

(10.26.06)

"Looking for some light, fun and engaging entertainment for the whole family? The Bracelet of Bordeaux is your ticket. This film has all the elements of a mystery drama, plus chuckles aplenty for both kids and their parents. The story revolves around the adventures of two pre-teen girls and their dogs. There are bad guys from the mafia and Punk scene, and even a nasty old neighbor lady, but the girls prevail thanks to a bit of magic and a lot of pluck. The Bracelet of Bordeaux is likely to become a family favorite for years to come."

By David Dow Bentley III, The People's Critic

(www.ThePeoplesCritic.com 10.24.06----People's Critic Archive 10.24.06)

"It is widely recognized that Hollywood is under-nourishing our nation's youth when it comes to supplying wholesome, entertaining films with general family appeal. If my recent viewing of the final cut print of THE BRACELET OF BORDEAUX is any clue, relief is on the way from Texas-based Eakin Films. The magical adventures of young Helen, her adorable dog, Rufus, and her best friend Marie, comprise an amusing and mysterious tale that is promising to captivate both young and old. Have we found the female Harry Potter? Eakin looks poised to give the folks at Disney a run for their money. Brace yourself for BRACELET fun!!! "

By Howie Doyle, Editor, That Texas Magazine (December, 2006)

"A delightful, locally produced, independent film.... The storyline has been likened to the Harry Potter series, and in fact doesn't stray far from the formula that Spielberg mined with E.T., which has spawned thousands of hours of fantastic and heartwarming cinematic entertainment in the last 25 years. And like the best of these movies, The Bracelet of Bordeaux, which runs just over an hour and a half, comes up with enough belly laughs and light drama to keep parents entertained as well."

By Gary Brown, Reviewer, The Villager (December 21, 2006)

"Considering the relatively low budget, I was most impressed with the near Disney Channel-like quality of the production. The photography, musical score, and special effects are all superb, but more importantly the movie features a great kid-friendly script with an underlying theme about friendship....The acting in the film, particularly the young performers, is quite good."

I had recently posted a comment and someone filed an abuse complaint and had it deleted because I chose not to lie about the quality of the film. This is truly one of the worst movies I have ever seen in my life and I am very sorry my family wasted our money renting it. The acting is horrendous, the French accents are by far the most fake accents I have ever heard in a film, and every now and then, the characters drop their "French" accents and speak with American ones. The quality of picture and lighting is very poor, and I'm not even sure I follow what's going on. I don't know how the people who made this could watch it and think it was suitable for the viewing public.

I'm from the community of The Woodlands, Texas, an affluent suburb about 30 miles north of Houston. As a film nerd, I was always excited to see the only "major" motion picture movie to be filmed in my town, that being The Bracelet Of Bordeaux. I remember when it came out, many of my middle school friends were talking about being in the background, or that their houses or streets could be seen in the distance. After over a decade of curiosity, I finally tracked down the only production from my hometown...and it's sadly not only a bad movie, but one of the worst movies I've ever seen.

Not a single solitary aspect of this film is good. I suppose the two young child protagonists are passable, but that's about it. The production quality looks like an effortless middle school project made by two slackers, like it was filmed on a $50 Flip camera bought at Walmart. Youtube videos look better than this. The villains are over the top and completely pointless with no real motives beyond just being poorly written villains (the Italian mob teaming with generic metalhead punks? What?). The script is horrible, the jokes are cringeworthy, and everything else I haven't mentioned yet is just abysmal. On top of everything, it's just excruciatingly boring. It became a chore to watch this film after just 10 minutes. There's also a two minute long dog fart battle...I don't think I need to explain why that's a bad thing.

It becomes so bad that it stops being funny, and instead becomes a trance-inducing film coma of swirling chaos, something not even the worst shrooms could give. I mostly blame the horrendous grainy home-camera cinematography, but the terrible writing, acting, and humor all blend together to create a pool of depression, like an everflowing stream of hallucinogenic fluff.

Not to mention all the Texas stereotypes. I'm sure most northerners or foreigners don't know this, but most Texans don't wear the cliché cowboy hat and boots, especially in modern upper class community like The Woodlands, where the official community uniform might as well be Vineyard Vines or Hollister. Most Woodlanders would laugh at the sight of a cowboy hat. As you'd expect, every other male character in this film wears a giant cowboy hat and boots with spurs, spewing out cliché slang like "HOWDY Y'ALL?" and "WHAT IN TARNATION!" You'd think that, because the movie was filmed in Texas, they'd see that nobody actually dressed or talked like that. The only thing missing is a shootout at high noon and a brawl in the saloon. At least it doesn't take place in the desert.

So everything is terrible, right? Well, we still haven't discussed the worst part of the movie: the production itself. The film was made by Frank Eakin, who, according to people I've interviewed and reports I've read online, claimed to be a big Hollywood hotshot and would "make The Woodlands the next Hollywood". He claimed the film would be a massive budget fantasy film on the same scale as The Chronicles Of Narnia, and because of that, said that all extras had to pay $250 for the blessing of being in a major blockbuster. After filming wrapped, Eakin and crew fled town and gave no updates on the film for 3 years, making the town believe that they had been scammed. Finally, after 3 years of locals raging about their wasted money, the film suddenly appeared out of nowhere, not in theaters, but in local video shops. Instead of the massive scale blockbuster they were promised, they received a crappy low budget home video with terrible effects, awful jokes, and wasted community effort. On top of that, many of the kids who paid $250 to appear in the film had their scenes cut entirely and appear nowhere in the deleted scenes or extras. However, it doesn't end there. When parents went to IMDb to vent their frustrations, they found that their comments and reviews were flagged and deleted, and were replaced by several clearly fake reviews praising the film and, in particular, gloating about how amazing and talented Frank Eakin is. Go and read them for yourself and see if you think they're real or not. If this review mysteriously gets deleted, you'll know the truth.

So, what's the lesson here? Don't lie to a community about making a horrible passion project, because your film may end up being one of the worst films ever made. The Woodlands is a beautiful community with a plethora of interesting things and it deserves much better than a movie about magical farting dogs.