La chica número uno

"The Number One Girl" is the front runner for worst movie of the year. I can't hate this movie more if I tried.

The plot is about Joey Scalini (Schiena) who is asked to be a judge in a beauty pageant run by his old friend Dragos Molnar (Jones) who is also a gangster. Joey eventually falls for the title character Tatiana (Lisa McAllister). But Dragos doesn't like that and he goes insane. He closes down the pageant after party and turns it into a fighting ring. Now Joey has to fight Dragos and his bodyguards to the death!

Everything about this movie is absolutely terrible:

The acting: Tony Schiena has put in better work in the Van Damme flick "Wake Of Death" but shows no talent or charisma here. Vinnie Jones needs to get this one off his filmography fast. He's better than Scheina, but not by much.

The pacing and directing: The movie is less than 90 minutes but it feels like an eternity. The directing is filled with static shots of nothing happening. In the pageant scene he's not even trying to cover up the fact that the contestants aren't singing(or acting for that matter).

The fighting: The fight scenes are downright awful. Every move is cut too fast so you can't see what's going on. Seagal's stunt doubles are better than these fighters.

In the end, trust me, you never want to see this... ever!

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I'm not sure why Pat Morita would agree to be in a movie like this. His performance was the only sort of acceptable part in the entire film and it was brief and insignificant. The script is terrible the acting is sorry and silly. The camera angles left me with a neck ache. The center of the movie was long boring and pointless. The action sequence at the end was both macabre and silly. The music was tedious and annoying. Every character was underdeveloped. The love story which was pivotal to the incredibly weak plot was insubstantial. Nothing! Not a single thing works in this movie. Only robots at the bottom of the screen would give this film a reason to exist.

Of all the films we've ever watched this has to be the absolute worst! You wouldn't even wish your worst enemy to watch this! What has Vinnie Jones been done! Surely he can't recover from this pile of poop! Worth a watch just for the fact it's so bad it's hilarious.

Don't even bother! It's worse than the cheesiest film you can ever imagine, times by ten, add a load of people who can't act and then sit on a chair full of razors!

Did someone really pay to budget this film? If so you must be a mug mate!

BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD!

You can see the appeal when pitched - gangster and Hollywood star fight over beauty pageant favourite - but the execution from dialogue to staging is so horrible as to miss out on any possible positive result. The poor acting of the leads is only emphasised by assigning them long, rambling voiceovers in addition to dialogue, and the approach to the beauty pageant is incredibly 1970's and misogynistic, like a 12-year-old's staging of the whole idea.

Hidden somewhere is a worthy plot about international exploitation - something like "Traffic" - but it's incredibly well concealed. Meanwhile everything looks exactly like the budget available - the beauty pageant is in a London theatre but a really small one, the gangster's supposedly plush house is errrrr... kinda OK but not really spectacular. The music is adequate but doesn't really sound like it was composed for this movie, which must be some kind of problem...

It all feels bizarrely as if no-one involved with the entire process actually had English as their native language, which is ... really weird. The oddest thing is that it doesn't LOOK like one of those Z-list, shot on video, indie exploitation movies you find in Pound shops (though that's where I found it), it's just really, really badly done.

Amateurish at best but boring at worst, "The Number One Girl" gives even pedestrian R-rated potboilers a bad name. Resist the urge to watch this direct-to-video tripe about a green-eyed gangster, a gorgeous gal, and cretinous action hero. Okay, I realize that Vinnie Jones of "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels" endows this movie with some marginal marquee value, and I bought this DVD at a Movie Gallery clearance sale based on Jones and the "Karate Kid" star Pat Morita. The DVD box cover with a sartorially suited Jones holding two automatic pistols in a signature John Woo stance also lured me into shelling out my shekels this execrable epic. Moreover, clocking in at 85 minutes, I thought it would be a blast. Wrong on all counts! "The Number One Girl" makes "The Condemned" look like Oscar winning material. The star—real-life martial arts competitor Tony Schiena of "Wake of Death"—makes Casper Van Dien look like Sir Laurence Olivier. Mind you, Lisa McAllister is a babe, but she is not enough to make this melodramatic muck memorable. Production Manager turned director; Luc Campeau makes a pathetic directorial debut. Granted, "The Defender" scenarist Douglas W. Miller had a modicum of a good idea, but Campeau does nothing invigorating with it. The first big action scene in the beginning has no voltage—even though it's a movie-within-a-movie—and later scenes, particularly the multiple fights in the last quarter-hour are comatose. Incidentally, in the foreshadowing department, one of the characters uses the familiar "Star Wars'" line: 'I got a bad feeling about this." Gee, were they right! Vinnie, making crap like this is going to ruin your credibility. In fact, the less said about this forgettable film, the better. Peruse the other reviews for more details about this drivel, but don't rent, buy, or watch this wretched rubbish. Yuck! Yuck! Yuck!