Crypt of Dark Secrets

Vietnam vet Ted Watkins (Ronald Tanet) lives deep in the swamp on a place called "Haunted Island." Local legend has the spirit of shape shifting Damballa (Maureen Ridley) living there. After three crooks hear of Watkins' small cash fortune (he is overheard telling the town banker "I keep all my money in my bread box"), they sneak onto his land and kill him. But Damballa (which everyone pronounces as Damn-bella) does a naked dance and brings him back to life, setting out a plan for revenge.

Should I be angry this has no crypt and no dark secrets? This regionally-produced snoozer from writer-director Jack Weis doesn't really offer much unless you are looking for some swamp photography. Well, Ridley, who has a British accent for some reason, does get naked a few times. Weis handles everything with a dull "point and shoot" style and the make up consists of some blood dripping on money. He went on to do MARDI GRAS MASSACRE (1978). I looked up Damballa on Wikipedia and it is indeed a voodoo God that can transform into a snake. But it is a male, so you have to give Weis points for at least recognizing some exploitation value.

CRYPT OF DARK SECRETS may not have any crypts or really dark secrets, but this southern-style 1970s B-grade drive-in fare has a little something for everyone: A story of greed, revenge and destiny...a sultry witch woman that dances in the nude and turns into a snake...greedy evil-doers...and even a touch of homoeroticism.

This is best viewed late at night with a pile of junk food and no high expectations, and delivers just enough passable entertainment to find it worthwhile. It's a simple story of a Vietnam Vet who retires to "Haunted Island" and is murdered by three locals who want his money. A supernatural woman named Damballa ressurrects the man to fulfill his destiny with her, and for her to pass punishment on those who have done wrong.

While many men will want to give it a look to see Maureen Ridley dancing naked, this film at least doesn't base itself around the naked scenes to pass itself off as a legitimate movie just so guys can drool at the bare skin. It offers a silly story with sub par acting and B-grade charm to be enjoyable enough as a guilty pleasure. It also offers a little something for the gals (and some men too *wink-wink*), as Ronald Tanet (the character of Ted the Vietnam vet) has that 1970s masculine gay porn look: Bearded, hairy chest always bare, with hip-snug denims, looking right out of a porn film from the Gage Brothers or P.M. Productions. It's rare to see a "B-grade, second billed drive-in production" that offers a little bit of everything like that, including a score that rises above the low, low budget. I still giggle when I see the local voodoo woman smirking in her heavily powdered hair!

Clocking in at a brief 1 hour 11 minutes, CRYPT OF DARK SECRETS doesn't wear out its welcome and ends after just enough silliness has paraded by. It is currently available on DVD as the second feature along with 1964's THE NAKED WITCH from Something Weird Video. For collectors of the low, low budget obscure drive-in fare, this is a delightful flick to obtain.

"Crypt of Dark Secrets" is so badly written, so poorly directed, so clumsily acted, and overall so amateurishly put together that you honestly can't be too harsh on it. It feels like a movie thought up by a bunch of New Orleans' boys in the school's playground during the breaks! What are they most interested in? Boobs, of course! And maybe also some boat-cruising in the Louisianan swamps, snakes, bloodshed, and more boobs!

First off, there's not a crypt in sight. There's a lone tombstone in the middle of the bayou, at most. Deep within the swamp roams Damballa; - a restless Aztec witch spirit who enjoys dancing naked around a fire and mounting trees on invisible chairlifts. One day, Damballa witnesses - in her snake shape - how three thugs murder a Vietnam veteran who lives alone in the swamp and steal his money. She resurrects him via an erotic dance so sensual and sexy that it would probably even awake a Pharaoh who has been dead for centuries! After Damballa practically bores the former soldier back to death with her background story flashback, they plot their revenge.

Let's be totally frank and honest about this; there's only one reason to seek out "Crypt of Dark Secrets", and it's Maureen Ridley's sensational naked body and her unscrupulous dance moves that leave absolutely nothing to the imagination! What a woman. Apart from her dancing, the film is hopelessly dull and unremarkable. Even with a running time of barely 72 minutes, it's half an hour to long. Well, there is one more (unintentionally) hilarious moment! Quite early in the film, when the distrusting veteran has an appointment at the local bank to discuss the possibility of a savings account, the incompetent bank director openly discusses his financial situation and even asks where he currently hides the money in his house while there's a local yokel sitting right next to them eavesdropping!! That same yokel is, of course, the one who later robs and kills the soldier. Good job, Mr. Bank director. Shouldn't you discuss sensitive and discrete information in a closed office, or something?

Hi and welcome to my review of The Crypt Of Dark Secrets.

The story gets a 0.25 out of 2: Even though Irwin Blanche and Jack Weis have an adequate story concept, their structuring and character construction leaves a lot to be desired. The story is all over the place. The Sheriff already believes in the supernatural and has demanded a professor look into a local spirit, Damballa, for no reason. Then off they go to the haunted island, again for no tangible reason. As for the characters, these are pretty two-dimensional, and their dialogue may injure your ears as it's downright dreadful. One of the gravest things is there's no damned crypt anywhere in sight.

The Direction and Pace receive a 0 out of 4: Now, this may be a bit harsh because Jack Weiss' cinematography isn't that terrible. However, it's the dreadful cutting and horrendous performances that null and voids the sole evidence of talent on show.

The Acting gets a 0.25 out of 2: Thanks to the writing, the characterisations are two-dimensional, though this doesn't stop the actors and actresses from trying their hardest to assign them one-dimensionality. And, I'll be blowed, they practically accomplish it. The rating is for Herbert Jahncke, who plays Sheriff Buck. This guy is the radiant light in the darkness. And for Maureen Ridley and her naked dancing. This lady sure can grind. Shame she's the worst actress I've ever witnessed.

And, my Enjoyment level scores a 0.25 out of 2: This rating, once again, is for both Jahncke and Ridley and their respective talents. Usually, I disagree with the way directors use older people to play teenagers. Fantastically, in Crypt, Weiss reverses this element. The old voodoo woman is played by a young twenty-something tolerating one of the worst grey wigs you'll ever see. Now, this is garbage at its worst, but there's something enormously enjoyable about it at the same time. While I was shaking my head, I was giggling. Oh, yeah, and the end of the film: I experienced such relief when the end credits rolled.

Giving The Crypt Of Dark Secrets a 0.75 out of 10:

Crypt is one hell of a stinky film and if you ever smell its stench, run as far away as possible. Do Not Watch this garbage.

Now come, explore my Crypt and check out my Absolute Horror list to see where this Haunted Horror landed in my rankings. And to find something more entertaining to watch.

This rural low-budgeter was pretty shocking for something coming from the Something Weird DVD line, in the fact that it doesn't look or feel like some softcore porn, like probably 90% of their output. Of course, Damballa is pretty hot without her clothes (which you get to see in ample amount)! The film is fairly well-made under the conditions, with some rich color photography and it moves along at a good gallop, being only 71 minutes, and could have probably gotten away with some editing out of the overly-long ritual and dancing sequences. Granted, the acting is pretty poor, but that's to be expected in something like this. All in all, worth a look if you buy a copy.