- [during drive to lake]
- Stifler: Oh, yeah. The Stifmeister's coming back to Grand Harbor. Deck the halls. Bye-bye, Great Falls. Wipe my ass and lick my balls. It's Stifler time, baby. Whoo-hoo-hoo. Whoo-hoo-hoo.
- Stifler: When a girl tells you how many guys she's slept with, multiply it by three and that's the real number. Didn't you fuckers learn anything in college?
- Jim's Dad: Musilage is dangerous territory, and uhh, I would think any adhesive product would have a warning right on the tube.
- Jim: I thought it was a, uhh, a lubricant. Ok, I was trying to use lubricant.
- Jim's Dad: Oh... oh...
- Wheelchair Lady: [looking at the Pussy Palace magazine] Son, couldn't you have left that disgusting thing at home?
- Jim's Dad: Excuse me?
- Wheelchair Lady: Well, that kind of material is offensive to me.
- Jim's Dad: Ohh, well we're sorry, but uh, but you see my son *couldn't* leave it at home because uhh, he's having a bit of a medical emergency?
- Jim: That's right. Thanks Dad.
- Jim's Dad: Your opinion of his taste in video rentals is not a priority lady. Okay? It's at the bottom of the totem pole. My son is sitting here right now with his hand glued to his penis, but that doesn't mean anything to you does it? Because you don't have a penis. Or maybe you do?
- Stifler: You're a disgrace to men everywhere. I mean, look at the Stifmeister. I got laid 23 times this year, and I'm not counting the hummer I got in the library stacks, baby.
- Oz: Here's a new idea for you Stifler. You find a girl, you two become best friends and you don't bother counting how many times you have sex with each other you just laugh at the people who do count.
- Stifler: Here's a new idea for you. I'll get you a spoon so you can eat my ass.
- Jim's Dad: [to Natalie's Dad] Hi, I'm Jim's Dad. You must be the parents of this young lady. I didn't get your daughter's name, but hopefully my son did.
- Jim: Was I any good that night?
- Michelle: Jeez how could I forget? You sucked. You didn't know what the hell you were doing. But wasn't it fun even though you were so terrible?
- Jim: I'm sorry, "terrible?"
- Michelle: I've had worse.
- Jim: Oh.
- Michelle: Oh, sorry. I just... ah... I could give you some pointers. If you want.
- [last lines]
- Finch: Oh, Jeanine, Jeanine!
- Stifler's Mom: Call me Stifler's Mom.
- Finch: [orgasmic noise] STIFLER'S MO-O-O - OM!
- Little Boy: [into walky-talky] Red leader, what's your position?
- Stifler: [on walky-talky] I'm touchin' his ass, I'm touchin' his ass, I'm touchin his ass, I'm touchin' his ass...
- Little Boy: Mommy!
- Kevin: My brother said by the end of the summer I'll get the big picture. And I see it. No matter what, times change, things are different. But the problem is, I don't want them to be.
- [Stifler thinks champagne is being poured onto his head when he's actually being urinated on from the balcony]
- Stifler: I can taste the bubbles.
- Trumpet Kid: You suck, retard.
- Jim: I'm not retarded, I'm a very special boy.
- [Jim rams the kid in the face with his trombone]
- [the two "lesbians" are making the guys give each other hand jobs]
- Stifler: It's okay. It's okay. I know what I have to do.
- [starts undoing his shorts]
- Stifler: I have to keep this party going. I'm taking one for the team.
- [Finch and Jim run away]
- Finch: I am not touching that!
- Jim: Put that thing away Stifler!
- Stifler: What's wrong with you guys? We almost had them. Why can't you guys be team players, huh? I was the one doing all the sacrificing.
- Stifler: [Stiffler and Jim have just kissed passionately, trying to get the girls to do each other] Dude, you're a fuckin' lousy kisser.
- Jim: What? That's not fair! I wasn't trying there.
- [to the girls]
- Jim: I'm really bett...
- Danielle: No judgment.
- Jim: Wait a second, you were trying?
- Stifler: Fuck, no!
- Jim: You were trying!
- Stifler: You were trying! Oh no I kissed Jim!
- Male EMT: [when Stifler jumps onto the ambulance where Jim is being treated] Excuse me, sir, are you a family member?
- Stifler: Fuck no, this is just too good to miss!
- Male EMT: OK sir, you're just gonna have to wait here. All right?
- Stifler: [ambulance drives away] Ha, ha! This summer's turned out to be great!
- [Talking to Vicky while she's hanging clothes back up on the racks at work]
- Jessica: If a guy tells you how many girls he's hooked up with, it's not even close to that. You take that number and divide it by three, then you get the real total. OK, so if Kevin is saying it's been three girls it's more like one or none.
- Vicky: None?
- Jessica: The rule of three. It's an exact science. Consistent as gravity.
- [Nadia is sitting at a table drinking a Pepsi when Sherman comes over to start a conversation]
- Sherman: [a few minutes into the conversation] I am the Sherminator, a sophisticated Sex Robot sent through time to change the future for one lucky lady.
- Nadia: I am lucky lady?
- Sherman: That's right, Nadia. You've been targeted for Shermination. Come with me if you want to live.
- Nadia: Oh! Oh, no! Oh! Help! Ohhh! Fuck me, geek!
- Sherman: Affirmative!
- [Sherman and Nadia go upstairs to have sex]
- Stifler, Jessica: No fuckin' way!
- Jessica: [Thinking if she would actually be able to get with Stifler] Forget it.
- Stifler: Like you have a chance!
- [Both knock back a shot]