- Jason Pear: I can't believe it, Dad. You stole Adolf Hitler's Mercedes-Benz.
- Randy Pear: Well, Hitler had it comin'. What goes around comes around.
- Kimberly Pear: Dad, they're gonna be pissed.
- Randy Pear: Eh, they're always pissed, Honey. They're Nazis. It's like it's their job.
- Lucy Impersonator: How about a pit-stop?
- Owen Templeton: Sorry, this is a one way flight. There's a bathroom in the back.
- Lucy: The latch is broken. Anyone could just walk right in.
- Owen Templeton: So? Look, you ain't got nothin' these other Lucys haven't seen before.
- Lucy: [man's voice] Not necessarily.
- [Donald Sinclair welcomes all the people who are invited to compete in the "race."]
- Donald Sinclair: Excuse me. Thank you all for coming. I'm Donald Sinclair, I own this hotel. We don't have much time. There's a meteor the size of North Carolina heading straight for Earth. The impact is going to kill every thing and everyone on this planet. I built a bunker in the basement to this casino strong enough to withstand the blast. There's room enough for eight people. I have chosen the seven of you, plus me. When this is over, it'll be up to us to repopulate and re-civilize the planet.
- [Everyone looks shocked for about 5 seconds, before Sinclair begins laughing hysterically]
- Donald Sinclair: I couldn't resist! I'm sorry.
- Bev Pear: Your daughter has to go to the bathroom!
- Randy Pear: All right, all right, Jason, look in the back for an empty jar.
- Bev Pear: A jar? Girls don't pee in jars.
- Randy Pear: Oh, right. Sorry. Jason, we're gonna need a jar and a funnel.
- Enrico Pollini: Look at us go! We're zooming!
- Zack Mallozzi: I told you! We're hauling ass!
- Enrico Pollini: We're hauling ass! All righty!
- Zack Mallozzi: Guess what I got back there.
- Enrico Pollini: You just told me. Ass! We're hauling ass!
- [after Sinclair has told them repeatedly to "go", to no avail]
- Merrill: So, when you say "go", you mean, just go?
- Donald Sinclair: Uh, begin, commence, start moving... theoretically you have been racing for about forty seconds now, and so far Mr. Schaffer is winning because he's nearest to the door.
- [a hotel clerk hands Nick Schaffer his bill]
- Nick Schaffer: Excuse me, uh, what's this $110?
- Hotel Clerk: Uh, those are your in-room movies.
- Nick Schaffer: No, I didn't watch any movies.
- Hotel Clerk: Okay, let's see... Afro Whores.
- Nick Schaffer: Afro Whores?
- Hotel Clerk: You watched it... let's see... uh, 11 times.
- Nick Schaffer: No, no-no-no-no, wait...
- Hotel Clerk: Afro Whores, 2:30. Afro Whores, 4 o'clock. Afro Whores, 5:30. It says in the morning you watched The Grinch for ten minutes and then switched back over to Afro Whores.
- Nick Schaffer: I-I swear I didn't watch it. Okay? I was at a bachelor party. There were 35 people there. You can ask any of them. But you--you have to take that off my record.
- Hotel Clerk: This is not a record, sir.
- Nick Schaffer: I... You have to delete it.
- Hotel Clerk: Okay, fine. How many times *did* you watch it?
- Nick Schaffer: None! I didn't watch it!
- Hotel Clerk: Are you sure? "Sizzling, three-way, backdoor action featuring two sexy soul sisters..."
- Nick Schaffer: [screaming] No! I don't need to know what it's about! I did not watch it!
- [hotel clerk raises her eyebrows]
- Nick Schaffer: I didn't.
- Vicki: So Harry, what can I do for you?
- Harold Grisham: Okay... here's what I want. First we both get naked.
- Vicki: So far so good.
- Harold Grisham: Except... we're both wearing sailor hats. Then we get into a jacuzzi filled with Pepto-Bismol, I clip your toenails, and you shave my buttocks.
- Vicki: [shocked] Pardon me?
- Harold Grisham: Naked, Jacuzzi, Pepto-Bismol, toenails, shave my buttocks. How much would that cost?
- Vicki: Harry, you have quite an imagination.
- [after losing the heart]
- Enrico Pollini: I have lost my heart many times before.
- [laughs]
- Enrico Pollini: I make a joke to help you forget how screwed you are.
- Nick Schaffer: My grandfather used to say that good things take time, but great things happen all at once.
- Donald Sinclair: Ah! This is my attorney, Mr. Grisham, who tragically was born without a personality.
- Enrico Pollini: I am Enrico Pollini. Now, I know what you are thinking... Enrico is a girl's name.
- Owen Templeton: No I wasn't.
- Enrico Pollini: No pun intended.
- Owen Templeton: What pun was that?
- Kimberly Pear: [Kimberly needs to go to the bathroom] Dad, I'm prairie dogging it!
- Randy Pear: What the hell does that mean?
- Jason Pear: You know, like when a prairie dog sticks his head in and out of the ground.
- Randy Pear: Oh.
- [Five seconds later]
- Bev Pear: Ugh!
- Randy Pear: Ohh, god, I do not wanna picture that!
- Enrico Pollini: Am I too late? Look! I won a coin, a gold coin! Oh, isn't this wonderful? Look at this room, what a beautiful room, have you seen this room?
- Randy Pear: Yes! We're in it!
- [Bikers are hitting the car that Randy stole from the Barbie museum]
- Randy Pear: Are you insane? This is Hitler's car.
- [an airplane flies past the Cody brothers as they check their map]
- Duane Cody: Where the hell is the airport?
- Mechanic: [after making some repairs on Tracey's truck] There, it's done, but I still do't think she's gonna hold.
- Nick Schaffer: About how much we owe you?
- Mechanic: [shrugs] 500 bucks.
- Tracy Faucet: For what? For 2 quarts and sealant? No, that's 20 bucks, tops. Here's 40 dollars, that's double what it's worth.
- [hands the mechanic 40 dollars and turns to leave]
- Mechanic: [pulls a gun from, his belt] Hold it! Another little tool no mechanic should be without!
- Nick Schaffer: Fine, here's your money...
- [gives him the money]
- Nick Schaffer: But let me tell you something, Billy Ray. What goes around comes around.
- Tracy Faucet: This is so un-... Christian!
- Mechanic: Un-Christian? HA! Well, if the good Lord doesn't like the way I conduct business, let him say something! Let him gimme a sign.
- [looks up and puts a hand to his ear]
- Mechanic: Oh Lord, I'm here, and I'm listening! Helloooooo?
- [Vera and Merrill drive past in the rocket car, and the mechanic's gas station collapses]
- Merrill: We're not crazy, lady!
- Vera Baker: We should've bought a squirrel, but we didn't buy a squirrel.
- Merrill: Which is why we stole the rocket car.
- Randy Pear: Jason, where did you get that?
- Jason Pear: I found it under the seat.
- Randy Pear: Give it to me. You can't play that.
- Jason Pear: Why not?
- Randy Pear: Because it's Hitler's harmonica. You can't play Hitler's harmonica.
- Jason Pear: You're driving his car!
- Randy Pear: Yes, but I'm not touching it with my mouth. I'm not sucking on the dashboard. I'm not getting his germs!
- Blaine Cody: Why don't 'oo
- [you]
- Blaine Cody: do it?
- Duane Cody: Because, Einstein, one of us has to be the victim, one of us has to be the witness. What kind of a witness would you make? I'm your own brother, I don't know what the hell you're saying.
- [Talking about Sinclair and his idea for them competing in the "race"]
- Merrill: It's some sort of joke. It has to be.
- Duane Cody: What kind of jackass just gives away $2 million?
- Owen Templeton: Maybe it's a publicity stunt.
- Randy Pear: What kind of publicity? He swore us all to secrecy.
- Vera Baker: Maybe it's a secret publicity stunt.
- Randy Pear: A *secret* publicity stunt?
- [to the woman on the motorcycle driving next to him]
- Randy Pear: Hi, I really like your dike... Bike.
- Harold Grisham: Vicki, you let go of this bag! Or I swear - I swear to God - I'll report you to the escort service!
- Donald Sinclair: Uh, Mr. Grisham, what's going on?
- Harold Grisham: The hooker! The hooker! The hooker is taking the money!
- Donald Sinclair: What hooker?
- Harold Grisham: Vicki! From the hotel!
- High Roller: Pepto Bismol?
- Harold Grisham: Vicki, I told you to wait in the car!
- Donald Sinclair: What the hell is she doing there?
- Harold Grisham: I brought her! I'm sorry, Mr. Sinclair. She said she liked me, but I'm beginning to think she was only interested in the money!
- Tracy Faucet: [to Shawn] I'll ram this helicopter down your throat!
- Nick Schaffer: No! Woah! What are you doing?
- Tracy Faucet: Don't worry about me, my father's a Navy pilot! I've been flying since I was 15!
- Nick Schaffer: No, I'm not worried about you, I'm worried about me!
- [last lines]
- Smash Mouth (Lead Singer): Let's hit the phones out there and crank it up, cause we are going to feed the whole world.
- Skinhead Tour Guide: [talking about Klaus Barbie] Barbie joined the SS in 1935, where he soon became one of the Führer's favorite young officers.
- Jason Pear: Uh, can we go?
- Bev Pear: Shh-shh.
- Skinhead Tour Guide: ...given a very big responsibility.
- Skinhead Tour Guide: Here we see him standing beside Hitler's touring car, the very same car which can be seen on display outside in our courtyard.
- [the Pears start to walk towards the exit]
- Skinhead Tour Guide: You're leaving?
- Randy Pear: What?
- [laughs]
- Randy Pear: [nervously] No - Yes, well, we have a 4:30 book burning... and then we have a...
- Bev Pear: Another christening.
- Randy Pear: Yes, a christening... for another one of our many, white, Christian, non-Jewish, uh... friends...
- Bev Pear: Family.
- Randy Pear: Family, relatives...
- Bev Pear: Blood relatives.
- Randy Pear: The Himmler... Himmler-Hesse... von... Sturichenbergs.
- Gloria Allred: [after seeing Enrico getting hit by Zack's van] Stay right there! I saw the whole thing. I'll be right down.
- Zack Mallozzi: Oh shit! Gloria Allred.
- Enrico Pollini: It's a race! It's a race!
- Enrico Pollini: [passes by the other contestants on a staircase landing] I'm winning! I'm winning!
- Randy Pear: [confessing to his family] It's a race. We're racing. Donald Sinclair put $2 million in a locker. And I want to get there first. I do not want to work at Home Depot!
- Enrico Pollini: Food. Look at all this food. What a beautiful party.
- [gasps]
- Enrico Pollini: Little Cock doggies.
- Merrill: They're called cocktail weenies.
- Enrico Pollini: Weenies! Ha! I'm so sorry. My English is not so good. But I'm learning!
- Enrico Pollini: [Gets thrown out of the train by the conductor] I-I-I-I-I-I--
- [yells]
- Harold Grisham: [on the phone with Sinclair and the high rollers] It's Pollini. Enrico Pollini on a train. He just rolled into the station.
- Donald Sinclair: Well, what do you know? Rip van Winkle pulled it off. You gotta love a long shot.
- [laughs]
- Enrico Pollini: [as all of the other racers run towards the station, he enters first] It's here. It's here. It's here.
- Harold Grisham: [on the phone] Here he comes.
- Enrico Pollini: [points to Grisham] Oh! It's you.
- Harold Grisham: [on the phone] He's holding the key.
- Enrico Pollini: [see the locker and points to it] Ah. Sí.
- Harold Grisham: [on the phone] And he's going to the locker.
- [to Pollini]
- Harold Grisham: Mr. Pollini, well done, sir. And congratulations. On behalf of Mr. Donald Sinclair, The Venetian Hotel and Casino...
- Enrico Pollini: [while unlocking the locker, he falls asleep and starts snoring]
- Donald Sinclair: [to the phone on speaker] Mr. Grisham, is it over?
- Nazi: Klaus Barbie, sometimes known as the Butcher of Lyons. Let the Jew revisionists talk about their death camps and so-called crimes against humanity. This museum is lovingly dedicated to the Klaus Barbie that nobody knows.
- Random Millionaire: Pepto-Bismal?
- Tracy Faucet: So what's wrong with her?
- Nick Schaffer: Who?
- Tracy Faucet: Your sister. You said it was serious.
- Nick Schaffer: Oh yeah... shark bite.
- Tracy Faucet: Shark bite?
- Nick Schaffer: Yeah.
- Tracy Faucet: And they took her to Silver City?
- Nick Schaffer: Yeah, they have a really good shark attack unit there.
- Owen Templeton: I am not a bus driver! I do not work for the bus company! All right? I... I needed a ride to New Mexico, so I stole this uniform! See this jacket? This is not my jacket! Remember Marty, the bus driver? Huh? This is his shirt! I stole it! And these pants, you think I'd wear these pants? These aren't my pants! These are Marty's pants. I stole them. I am not a bus driver!
- High Roller: [Watching Enrico Pollini sleeping in the main lobby] What is he doing?
- Donald Sinclair: Well, I think he's sleeping.
- High Roller: Sleeping?
- Donald Sinclair: Well, he must be narcoleptic. It's a rare sleeping disorder.
- High Roller: But I bet on him!