Ice Queen

The head line should say it all and to go off on that, it's true. To create a monster nowadays is hard enough, and when you do come up with one that can potentially scare the paste out of someone, it's usually wasted in horrible "horror" movies or commercials.

Let's see, the reason why I rented this movie was because I've kept seeing it popping up at all the rent franchises for 3 months and finally gave in.

Now in terms of already expecting a disappointment, I am not not disappointed but still throw up my hands when pondering if cheap CGI is the all sum total future of movies, then I will cancel all my memberships of the evil celluloid corporations and just buy the classics and F the rest.

And yes, Jennifer Hill is a lovely slice of lemon mering pie but that was not the reason why I had rent this and her lovely synthetic ta-tahs couldn't save the movie even if they busted out of her Victoria Secrets strap case.

Now let me get into the movie. If you don't know what the movie's about, well it's about a doctor and his archaeological team finding the find of the century, a frozen woman from the ice age who has genetic structure solely made out of liquid that is meant to be kept below 30 degrees. The doctor plans to fly his novelty via private charter plane which was infiltrated by some money hungry mercenary type guy while in route get's frozen and kill mid flight, leaving the doctor to steer the plane in a mountain peak causing an avalanche that destroys the small skying community below. In the midst of all of this, all the characters who've survived meet up and try to lead a caravan out of the submerged town, getting killed by the ice queen. And in the end, the two main characters survive with the would be ex-alcholic uncle and his bitch (hehe) who's playing red-cross searcher above.

Okay, for the monster, in the beginning of her introduction was very good for me. The way she moved (writhed) and growled and flicked her tongue made the actresses performance very believable but too much of it made it get played out quick.

As for the brother in the movie, well it's typical for this character type to have the persona of being around white folks through out most of his life but tries to talk black or say a few lines that sound black but very unconvincing. I mean for real, I know that there's brothas almost everywhere but I highly doubt they make collards in the killingtons, if you know what I mean.

The doctor is some kind of crack pot, weirdo which is typical of these doctor types, who some how survives the monster's attacks as if they share some sort of union which compromises the character because the logic is, if you raise a baby croc, it will eat you so I think it would apply here as well.

Also, if such a discovery was found, I don't think the U.S. government wouldn't be involved, since such grants for such things are granted by the U.S. of A and since they know everything, I think some agent would be sent to see how their money is spent. So in reality, there would of been a military personnel present throughout but then again, there wouldn't of been a movie.

Also, the part where the ex-alcholic uncle used emergency services to call for help was turned down by the operator because she'd thought the uncle was going through one of his drunk rants of madness. WRONG-if this were real, that person would of gotten fired because all emergency calls have to be taken seriously, but then again if this was the case, there would be no movie.

Now in summary, I can understand that a lot of things in this movie was poor due to a serious lack of budget but if that's the case, then a movie (no matter how promising) shouldn't be made.

Why is it ALWAYS the blonde, fake-tanned, silicon-enhanced skank they show with her bits out in modern 'horror' films, and not the natural, attractive ones? There is a bimbo in this movie who talks so dumb and is such a bad actress, she makes the ladies from TOWIE seem tolerable by comparison. The biggest laugh is when we find out she's in law school... this is about as likely as me being a midwife. If the director had any sense he'd have killed her off after the wet t-shirt competition and the shag in a hot tub, but nope... Instead she hangs around like a bad smell, ruining every scene she's featured in. At least she's getting plenty of help there...

Onto the monster. It's a massive smurf with spiky teeth and some red wires trailing from it. It moves like your drunk uncle trying to play charades, and kills people by plucking their hearts from their chests. Fortunately, it doesn't recite any weird chants like Mola Ram in Temple Of Doom. In fact, it doesn't say anything at all, it just drools and snarls and licks it's lips. It is also completely unscary, so even in movies as appalling as this when the creature usually provides some blessed relief, here it just highlights how shoddy and pathetic the whole enterprise is.

What else? Well, there's a HUGE avalanche scene that may have worked, apart from the most obvious use of green screen EVER. (And WTF is someone banging a gong as part of the background noise during it?) And there's a cute dog, with more talent in it's right paw than the rest of the humans put together. Apart from that, it is boring, boring, boring... then the giant smurf appears, and we wish it would go back to being boring, instead of just painful.

Fortunately, I don't envisage the makers being in a position to pollute the atmosphere with more of their garbage films for quite a while. After all, the profit margin from selling two copies a week at Poundland must be somewhat slight... 1/10

This was so bad that If it hadn't included a hot tub scene with Jennifer Hill, it would have been one of the worst movies of all time.

It has a good monster in The Ice Queen, but she was wasted with her incessant screaming, and the set just didn't allow her to really develop. The battle with Audrey (Tara Walden) was set up for a promising scene, but it just didn't develop.

There was really no one you could care about in this film. It really didn't matter who came out. The pair that did were probably the least likable.

Despite giving us her all in that hot tub, Elaine (Hill) didn't fare too well.

When you consider the horrible script and bad grammar, nonsensical "science," run on sentences Dr. Goddard had to try do something with, anyone who has any intelligence at all will conclude that the actor who had to speak these lines did an incredible job. In fact, he may be the only true actor in the film! We can only hope someone gives him a good script so those who can't see beyond bad scripts and directing can see how talented he truly is. I saw another review of this film on another web sight in which the review was dead on. I don't recall his name, but he commented that at first you may think the actor playing Dr. Goddard is a bit awkward, but when you realize the horrible lines and situations, and direction he had to deal with, you will also realize he must have the spirit of Brando in him to pull it off half as well as he did! Kudos to Mr. Kuhn for what he was able to do with lines no one could could do anything with. Someone give him a good script!

I don't even think that this movie should deserve 1 star. I wish they gave the choice of .5 rating. anyway, the movies plot has less substance than a 1st graders creative writing paper. It is horrendous. I've seen better acting by Steven seagal. He would have made this movie at least a 2/10. The worst part I think was the special effects, I mean this movie was made in 2005 and uses TOY cars and fake model houses and power poles in avalanche scenes. The ICE QUEENs costume looks like a spandex suit from the consignment shop, covered in rubber tubes and grey spray paint. I estimate the budget of this movie was probably between 500-1000 dollars including the actors they picked up from the unemployment office. HORRIBLE, not worth paying for. though I did laugh from time to time, so if you can watch it for free and want a good laugh by making fun of all the goofs, then I recommend it.