La cruz de las siete joyas

Who would have thought that there could be worse werewolf movies than HOWLING II: YOUR SISTER IS A WEREWOLF (1985)? Or worse Italian fantasy films than THE PUMAMAN (1981)? Or that these two unenviable crowns could be worn by the very same title?! This is not to mention that the film in question (and under review) also dabbles in the Camorra, erotica and Satanism fields and makes a shambles of them all! One of the undeniable pleasures of listening to well-researched audio commentaries is when the film historian goes into detail about the actors' careers as a whole and singles out particular titles for whatever reason; this is just how I came to learn about this terminally goofy film when Tim Lucas mentioned it while speaking about Giorgio Ardisson's career during his audio commentary for Mario Bava's ERIK THE CONQUEROR (1961); luckily, even a movie as obscure and thankless as this can be tracked down by intrepid film buffs courtesy of other enterprising fans who are generous enough to share their inexhaustible collections with unknown and far-away members of their 'community'! Even so, the film was also dealt with (albeit very briefly) in the Italian TV programme "Stracult".

The film's only two familiar faces – one wonders how they were persuaded to be involved – are Gordon Mitchell (prone to the most hideous overacting as the leader of the Satanists) and the afore-mentioned Ardisson (as a Mafia big-wig who hilariously lapses into English 3 times during his meeting with the local boss whom he addresses as "Don Raffaele of my balls!" in a fit of exasperation). Eddy Endolf is the star, writer, director, editor and special effects designer!; the werewolf make-up is limited to the hands and wrists, the top half of the face and, yes, his private parts – for whatever reason, whenever the change occurs, the man loses his clothing, only to magically regain them upon resuming human form! The first time this occurs he literally does a double-take at the fact that it is that time of the night, even if he had looked at a clock in his victim's house merely seconds before!; the second time it is when he is captured and being grilled by the gangsters…except that they just happen to exit the room at this instance, which leaves us to witness his transformation via a series of dissolves for nearly 5 minutes, the odd facial hair being applied with each successive cut!

The film begins with a black mass, presided over by Mitchell, and involving several masked/naked men and women engaged in sexual activity; one of them is actually getting it on with a Swamp Thing-like demon! The latter, called Aborym, has actually been invoked during the ceremony and it transpires that one of his mistresses was the hero's mother (hence his monstrous legacy). However, when she tells her master/lover she wants out, he bursts in repeated cries of "Slut!" and inflates her body so much that it cracks open, unleashing much goo (for the record, the first werewolf victim and Mitchell's own unexplained demise are similarly grisly)! Incidentally, 20 years after the fact, Endolf resurrected this particular character in a 30-minute short entitled HERE'S ABORYM AGAIN! At the core of the film is a demented (and drawn-out) dream sequence made up of random snippets from earlier scenes – including that hilarious pre-transformation look of surprise upon the hero's face!

The leading man is protected by the titular talisman – incidentally, the film was also released as TALISMAN in some quarters and had sequences dealing with the war in Bosnia included for Japanese screenings! – but early on it is stolen in a daylight street robbery (the culprits being motorcycle-riding junkies whom we had just seen shooting up by the sea, with Mitchell himself doubling as the pusher!). The protagonist's many attempts to retrieve it land him in a disco (cue bad music and worse dancing) where he even gets one hell of a beating; deposited outside the establishment, he is found and nursed back to health by a young woman. During the fracas in the mobsters' lair, he learns that the priceless artifact has been donated by Don Raffaele to a lady friend (when Ardisson had made him contact her but he is unable to get through, the latter spits: "What's this bitch doing – humping the phone?"); when the hero finally locates her, she proves to be a horny fortune teller (an old woman he asked for directions tells him: "If she's a lady, I'm the Madonna!") who, not currently having what he wanted at her disposal, suggests they pass the time in bed. Endolf obliges, having no choice but, predictably, at midnight (not the rising of the moon, mind you!) he turns into a monster yet again: the ecstatic woman is oblivious to the change but, even though starting to foam at the mouth, he keeps at it! Ultimately, he is yet again saved, in the typically disorientated state after each metamorphosis, by the girl he loves and the two go to the Vatican to give thanks (I kid you not!).

The music is by Paolo Rustichelli, son of esteemed composer and Bava regular Carlo. The copy I watched was culled from an Italian TV broadcast (though the channel name has been digitally erased) which suffered from audio glitches during the aftermath-of-the-robbery sequence. In the end, all one can do here is surmise that a lot of thought must have gone into concocting such a bizarrely improbable concept, and just as much to rally a conglomeration of non-talents to execute it!

This is probably the cheapest horror film ever made in Italy, and that surely means something. It's about a hapless man who suffers under a strange werewolf-curse which is related to an even stranger occult sect (led by Cameron Mitchell!). In a way it pays homage to the Spanish werewolf-flics starring Paul Naschy as Valdemar Daninsky. But the Naschy-films look like big budget epics compared to this mess, which is so bad that one has to see it to believe it. Director Andolfi not only plays the lead role (credited as Eddy Endolf) but also handles the special effects and many other things. Sometimes one might believe he was the only one behind the camera (maybe he was, who knows?).

Besides the cursed man and the sect, the incoherent plot involves the least threatening mafia killers ever banned on celluloid; with such mobsters, "The Godfather" would have been the comedy of the 20th century. All the actors seem to be amateurs, probably good friends of director/everything Andolfi. The special effects (especially the werewolf-make-up and the old fashioned transformation sequences) are less convincing than most monster scenes from, shall we say, films by Ed Wood jr. All in all, this shoddy mess is unbelievably ridiculous.

Despite the fact that the film is inept from every imaginable aspect, it is good fun and highly entertaining, at least for watching once - a party tape and a master example of a film that lacks any quality. You have been warned...

The worst movie of all time. There aren't enough words describing the mediocrity of this movie.

Watching this movie It's incitement to suicide.

After arriving in a coastal town, a man intending to visit the area with his cousin finds himself thrust into the underworld when a trivial robbery sends him on a quest to recover the stolen cross taken from him, setting him off to recover the fabled item before falling victim to an animalistic curse.

This was a decidedly decent if somewhat underwhelming sleazy genre effort. Among the few likable factors involved here is the rather intriguing premise that sets everything in motion. While there are a lot of different elements at play, the idea of the stolen object preventing a deadly werewolf curse from befalling him and the protection no longer working with it being stolen allowing him to turn into the deadly creature as a means of helping to retrieve it comes off with a fine touch, especially with the way it's only revealed about the purpose in a flashback towards the end of the film. Rather than launching into it immediately, the frantic quest to retrieve it taking up the majority of the running time makes for a fine enough introduction to what's going on here. With this leading him into several encounters with the thugs holding the cross and featuring some cheesy if exciting-by-comparison action scenes of him throwing them around and melting faces for some decent enough sequences and the bizarre sexual antics of the cult in their dungeon, it has some There are some rather problematic issues on display with this one. One of the main drawbacks to be the film is the highly convoluted and discordant plotline that sees a large number of different stories and plot points get brought into this one for no reason. The setup with the robbery group and their connection to the cult trying to control the area itself feels rather overdone but workable on its own without the need for the congruent police investigation that goes nowhere, the sightseeing trip that is oddly out-of-place considering what's gone on in the film before that and how these are brought into the film without much thought for a coherent throughline makes for some issues. Since nothing is made of why the cousin is so reluctant to follow along, or why there are hints of a budding romance between them, leaves a lot to be desired without anything here making sense of these different factors. The other issue here, which is just as damaging and detrimental, is the underwhelming and barely-there technical aspects that are present throughout here. The most obvious is the ludicrous design of the wolfman and the means to bring it to life on-screen, as the look basically resembles exactly how it was made. Featuring a simplistic mask that comes down over the face as if his whiskers are overgrown and pulled down behind his head into a mullet, the fact that there's healthy unchanged skin underneath the seams and edges of the piece makes for a laughable monster. The gloved clawed hands he wears are just as bad with their seams being just as visible connecting to his forearms, and with the rest of his body completely healthy and nude without any fur or make-up on it, the end result is among the most ludicrous creatures in the genre, lowering this one significantly.

Rated Unrated/R: Full Nudity, Violence, strong sexual scenes, and Language.

Aboreen,a demon summoned at a black mass possesses the body of a Satanic High Priest.The Satanist uses his new found powers to possess the body of Marco and change him into a sadistic wolfman to do his evil deeds.Marco is only protected from this evil by wearing the "Cross of Seven Jewels" which is stolen from around his neck while taking a trip from Naples to Rome."Cross of the Seven Jewels" is a strikingly inept Italian horror movie with some of the worst special effects ever captured on screen.The acting is abysmal and the gore is amateurish.There is a bit of sleaze and graphic nudity,but the plot is mostly dull.Watch "Spider Labirynth" instead of this load of crap.3 naked werewolves out of 10.