Spitfire

A very long time ago, I read an interview with actor Lance Henriksen. In it, he talked about working with David Duchovny & Robert Patrick (this was before 2011's 'Good Day for It'). Fast forward to now as I sit down for his second team-up with director Albert Pyun via 'Spitfire'. Then Mr. T-1000 shows up playing an uncredited gunman in the opening. Believe me when I say solving this mystery was way more fun than anything that happened afterwards.

A world class gymnast (Kristie Phillips) unknowingly has secret agents for parents (Henriksen, Debra Jo Fondren) and is thrown into the middle of a globe trotting adventure. The dad she doesn't even know covertly slips her a CD containing the launch codes to Ukrainian missiles which some bad guys desperately want. Caught in the shenanigans is also an alcoholic sports reporter (Tim Thomerson) who lends a hand.

Pyun films are usually cheap, bad, boring and this is another example. 'Spitfire' looks drab while it boasts being shot in multiple places, but isn't filmed well. Lance is wasted. A James Bond-like opening credit sequence the most creative thing here. While a gymnastic competition lends more one note villains and an unintentional laugh or two.

This movie is awfully excellent. It is impossible to believe that it was not made as a spoof of the made-for-TV movie. Every single frame contains the most trite, amateurish and inept writing, filming, and acting I have ever seen. It is absolutely stunning, and one needs to watch it several times to be able to comprehend how many bad things are going on at any given moment.

From the pre-title scene, in which a woman exposes her breasts nonchalantly for possibly the longest and most inappropriate amount of time I've ever witnessed, all the way through the gymnastics, the cheesy tight red-shorted spy who mouths the words of the other actors as they are speaking . . . the costumes, the men in drag who play the Romanian gymnasts, this is but a sampler of what you can see in this incredible picture.

If someone does not release this on DVD and promote it, a priceless artifact of 1990s cinema is in danger of being lost. I had to buy it on ebay as used VHS. PLEASE re-release this movie, it could have a cult following. I am terrified that my VHS version will not last until I die.

I started watching this film, and I stared at it in disbelief, The acting was terrible, and the plot was outrageous. After another ten minutes, I was saying to myself "They can't possibly be serious." Then it finally began to dawn on me that they weren't. (I've recently started reading reviews and commentaries after watching a film rather than before. I highly recommend this approach for a film you haven't seen and don't know much about) The filmmakers took aim at camp and scored a direct hit. Gymnastics champion Kristie Phillips may or may not be able to act, but it isn't apparent here, and it doesn't matter, because no one is really trying. This must have been a lot of fun to make. And Miss Phillips is very pretty, which also helps. This movie scores if you can stand campy films. If you can't, then run away screaming.

Low-grade Bondian imitation, although the focus is not on the Bond figure (played in a take-the-money-and-run style by the usually dependable Lance Henriksen) but on his daughter, a champion gymnast / martial artist played by the extremely flexible and athletic Kristie Phillips (she's clearly the best thing the film has to offer). It features lots of international locations, but they're so flatly photographed that they're practically indistinguishable from one another. (*1/2)

Lance Henriksen got paid something to appear in this. I hope it was a lot.

Former US National Champion gymnast, Kristie Phillips starts as Charlie Case, a gymnast-turn-secret-agent (because it's very common that munchkin gymnasts become government spies...)

There's a truly hysterical opening scene where Charlie's uneven bars routine is sabotaged by an eastern-bloc competitor. What follows is one of the most ridiculous stunt scenes I've ever witnessed....and they want you to take it seriously! Don't worry...she sticks her dismount.

Everything after that is just a messy, dreck of a spy movie. Watch the first fifteen minutes for the campy-gymnastics stuff, then run for cover.