El buque fantasma

There's nothing haunting about it, unless you think an Aztec feathered serpent (Quetzalcoatl) is haunting, but once you see it. I don't think haunting comes to mind. Being a Roger Corman produced presentation (Concord) you get what you usually expect from a quick-buck, straight-to-video fare. It's trashy (gratuitous T&A and tacky gore), just not enough of it to break away from its labored pacing. And it only goes for about 70 minutes. What we do get, is another wannabe, rancid "ALIEN" rehash, this time set on a drifting ghost freighter that bestows an ancient Aztec treasure.

Some washed up actors slumming, in the likes of James Brolin and Don Stroud. A grizzled Brolin plays the ship's captain -- doing nothing more than pacing up and down the bridge, while trying to make his meaningless dialogues seem meaningful. Then there's the hard-nosed, if reliable Joanna Pacula who might be wishing, she was somewhere else by the look on her face. Even with these names attached, the camera really does focus on lead actress Krista Allen. And when I mean focus, her breasts could get their own billing with the amount of exposed, topless scenes. Obviously someone had been watching Allen in all of those mid 90s made-for-cable "Emmanuelle" films. You begin to ask the question, is this one of the reasons (the other being time-frame quota) for the ancient flashbacks? No it was all about using their iguana stock footage.

Now let's move onto the monster. It's a cruddy looking, man-in-a-rubber suit --- like something you would get out of a 1960/70s Godzilla film. Well more like the awkward leftovers. In the opening minute you get frenetic camera movements and blood being splashed about here and there. Oh no I was concerned... but gladly it does do a little more than that later on. You get a decently executed transformation sequence (... remember this is barebones), involving bubbling skin, cracking bones and someone's guts spilling out. Once this thing goes on the rampage you get a touch of latex gore, but the actions are limited. It goes about waving around its oversized claws, while its head dangles from its long neck. There's even some tongue action and it likes to get in a good punch too. Just be prepared to endure a lot of wandering through corridors, the boring kind, where the low-rent sets look plain, and studio bound. Just those scenes, especially later on, could've done with a little more sense of urgency, just liked the pointless slow motion running through the corridors scene, well it did look like the same scene done on a loop.

"THE HAUNTED SEA" is a dumb, disposable run-of-the-mill creature-feature for a lazy afternoon.

Along with "Grim" this is possibly the worst monster-on-the-loose horror film I have ever seen.James Brolin and Joanna Pacula are completely wasted in this piece of crap.As for Pacula,she is my favourite Polish actress but why she was involved in this disaster is beyond me.The plot is obnoxious and stupid,the monster looks incredibly fake and the special effects are mostly made up of splattering red paint/blood on the wall when someone gets hacked up.The lead actress Krista Allen is extremely annoying and incredibly wooden.To sum up,if you enjoy lame acting,cheesy gore effects and an implausible plot,then this is the film for you.If not,avoid it like the plague.

The sea isn't *haunted*, so much as it is inhabited by an abandoned ship home to a gassy-sounding, rubbery, dinosaur-looking creature who is supposed to be the feathered, winged serpent known as Quetzacoatl. Apparently, the filmmakers didn't do their homework on that one, because its physical description, as well as the spelling of its name, are incorrect herein. Eventually, a small crew board the ship and discover a crate filled with a curiously lightweight gold statue. Several times, top-heavy Krista Allen imagines herself jiggling and bouncing topless during some sort of sacrificial offering, before the statue shock/ possesses one of their number, who turns into a fanged, belching, slobbering demon, and rips them to shreds, eventually turning into what this film calls "Queztacoatl".

Lengthy tracking shots during opening credits only serve to pad out the film's brief run time, as does Krista Allen's shower scene and plentiful nude scenes (I counted three in the first fifteen minutes) . Krista has a great body, but should either stick to doing porn, or at least get better screenplays to work with. The camera jiggles almost as much as her huge rack does, which makes it difficult to figure out what little is happening on-screen.

The final shot is intended to be a shock twist ending, but it only made me groan. Furthermore, it is held for such a long time that any surprise which might have been is slowly driven away by boredom.

The other user comment for this movie says it all, except that Barbra Streisand should forbid hubby James Brolin from ever again attempting an Irish accent.

And then there's that gimme cap on the noggin of the usually glamorous, decidedly non-butch Joanna Pacula.

MST3K is gone, sad to say. This would have been perfect fodder.

"The Haunted Sea" is an incredibly bad, cheap movie, noteworthy only for its short length and gratuitous nudity. Krista Allen-Morritt's so-big-they-won't-fit-in-a-football-helmet breasts are the true stars of this "Aliens", "Q, The Winged Serpent", and "Leviathan" rip-off, as she's topless at every possible occasion, including dream sequences and a shower scene.

Casting borders on the ridiculous: extraordinarily beautiful Joanna Pacula is the freighter's 2nd-in-command, and James Brolin (Barbra Streisand's paramour) is the ship's captain who uses such nautical terms as "left" and "right."

Special effects are ridiculous: the monster looks like a cheap Godilla (think of "Godzookie" on the old cartoon); animated "lightning" jumps off ancient Aztec statues; the assorted killings are amateurish at best.

See it only if you have nothing better to do for it's 84 minute running time.