Frío como el hielo

Every once in a while a film comes along that changes the way we look at cinema. A film that redefines the art of movie-making and lives with the viewer long after he/she has experienced it. You may hear the critics mutter the words Star Wars, Citizen Kane or Gone With the Wind but, obviously, they don't know Ice, they don't know him at all.

If ever there was a movie that proved the Oscars are a farce, it's Cool as Ice. It clearly got snubbed and I guess we'll never know why. The only reason I can fathom is the academy's fear of the Ice man's Day-glo clashing with the red carpet. Clearly the better solution would have been a Day-glo carpet.

Maybe I'm a little biased because I see so much of myself in Ice's character and the personal journey he embarks on in the film. I, too, am a complex, misunderstood white male, searching for identity and a good lawn on which to do the running man. I also have a way with words and a way with the ladies and, gosh darn it, I just love to impress country folk with my fly threads and dope moves on the dance floor, yep yep.

The script is a work of art and is destined to become a textbook example for its conflict, character development and subtext. I can't decide who the bigger genius is: The writer or Vanilla Ice, himself, because let's face it it's not just the lines but the delivery of them. "Lose the zero, get with the hero" - pure gold.

Do what ever it takes to see this film. Beg, borrow, steal or even buy it. For all those who still wear Day-glo clothing or caps with polished metal logos, who still shave lines into their eyebrows or just consider themselves romantics, Vanilla will reinforce what you already know: You are Cool as Ice. It's also a hell of a lot better than watching Vanilla on Celebrity Boxing, no really it is.

For those too young to remember, Vanilla Ice was a malignant tumor growing on the popular music scene ten years ago. Along with MC Hammer and Marky Mark he pilfered and diluted black music to make it commercially acceptable to middle-class white children. His flash-in-the-pan `attitude' eventually fizzled away - but not before becoming the blueprint for every idiot bad-boy pop star on top of the charts today.

Cut to ten years later, and the threat of an Ice comeback is unlikely. It's the perfect time to watch COOL AS ICE. The film bombed on release, and signaled the end was nigh for Vanilla Ice. Watching it today, the star reduced to a relic of inane pop history, the film becomes a candidate for the best worst film of all time.

Rebels and their motorcycles have a history on screen. They define the times. Marlon Brando was the quintessential bad boy when he rode into town as THE WILD ONE. Fast-forward fifteen years and history repeats: Fonda and Hopper rewrite the Hollywood rulebook in EASY RIDER.

In COOL AS ICE, the bad boy of rap rides into the suburbs with his all-black posse, ready to reap havoc on suburbia, right? Wrong. Ice's crew only reappear when director David Kellogg requires a cut-away shot. Even then, rather than scaring the local children, they're making peanut-butter sandwiches and watching TV. They sit around, waiting for Vanilla to get the girl.

The romantic sub-plot is a peach. She's the highest achieving student in town, but will she risk her future for Vanilla Ice? He's a self-educated poet of the street, although his actual words of wisdom somehow escape me at the moment. The sub-sub plot involves her father, who we are led to believe was the most honest cop on a corrupt force. Despite seemingly being transplanted back into the same community, he doesn't mind going on television so the bad guys can find him.

There's a few other sub-sub-sub plots of minimal concern, but no real story. It's a star vehicle resting on the shoulders of a ludicrously vain idiot. Fortunately, his fifteen minutes of fame and torture translates to a typically foolish ninety minutes. The most vain ego exercise in Hollywood history? Perhaps. All in vain? Definitely.

The film was pretty bad, but that is to be expected. That being said, they did have some plot in there that made this thing more than just one long music video. Granted, for the most part the film is told in montage form, literally at one point you had one and only a couple of minutes later there would be another! Then a smattering of dialog to make things go forward, yo yo check it!

The story, a white rapper who rides on crotch rockets is driving the country side with his posse and immediately falls in love with a girl on a horse that he tries to kill by doing a stunt that is going to scare the horse she is riding. She is angry, but you know she is going to love him by the end of the film. Then, inexplicably, one of the motorcycles goes out of commission and they end up at a house of an older couple that literally lets the whole group stay with them as they fix the motorcycle... Then, inexplicably, the girl he likes is on the news for getting good grades... This makes two guys interested as her father was a cop put in the witness protection program! Someone might have told the dad that allowing yourself to be interviewed on the news was not something he should do, but at the same time who thought a puff piece, general interest story would be shown nationwide... So our hero courts the girl, rides his bike and has to save the day; though, pretty sure he would get his butt handed to him considering he has no muscles and would later get owned by Todd Bridges in celebrity boxing...

The film is kind of annoying, as it is just Vanilla drooling over himself thinking he is some sort of bad dude. No man, you're an idiot wearing horrible clothing combinations which would be in and out super quick to make room for the grunge movement. His acting sucks, but so does everyone except Michael Gross who is acting way too seriously for this thing.

So if you want to watch a movie about a white rapper that has no drama and is totally chaotic and about 90 percent montages, your ship has come in! I only watched this because it was on sale at Rifftrax and it was funny hearing the guys make fun of this film. I for the life of me cannot figure out why they make a film featuring Vanilla Ice and seem to not have any of the hit songs, I know they probably wanted to do all new stuff for the soundtrack, but come on man, no Ice Ice Baby?

I hesitate to call this movie a really poor film, though don't get me wrong it is quite bad. But I believe it falls into a totally new genre of "crappy cult classics". When watching a film like Cool as Ice, I find myself asking over and over again, Are they serious? Who wrote this film? When they were writing the screenplay were they thinking: Yes, this is gold!

Now though this film is horrible, I find it very quotable which I believe is a major factor in assessing the quality of a film. Lines like "drop that zero and get with a hero" are unforgettable and hilarious. This movie is actually better then 75% of the comedies that are released in the movies today which sometimes even do well in the box office. Such movies come stocked with cliché's and overused jokes and though may be good for a few cheap laughs, are hardly worth seeing. Cool as Ice however is humorous (though not on purpose) and I think can be appreciated by anyone who was growing up during the early 90's. It really sums up what early 1990's were all about. I admit that it may be a little embarrassing if someone were to stumble across this title in your movie collection but if you ever see this movie for sale at a yard sale, I would recommend buying it for the full 1.00 price tag. It is worth watching with friends for some good laughs. My friends and I always mention this movie when discussing movie trivia and pop culture of the last decade. It always makes us smile. And isn't that what you hope for in a good movie?

OK, I admit it, I once was a huge Vanilla Ice fan. But then again, so were millions of other people. And incidentally, I just loved this movie. OK, so I was 11 years-old when I first watched it, so of course, my tastes in movies hadn't started developing back then. But even with a mediocre performance on the part of the Iceman and poor screen writing, I still find this movie enjoyable. Why? I don't know. Perhaps because it brings back fond memories. And I wouldn't quite put it on the same level of awfulness as Manos because no matter how bad this movie is, there is still something watchable in it. The problem is I still haven't figured out what it is.