- Shadgrind: So many of you orphans. Unwanted children all over the place. People were sex-mad in the '60s, seemed to do it just for fun... Weird.
- Tommy Patel: You don't have to worry about me, dear. I'm bisexual. Whenever I want to have sex, I have to buy it.
- Duchess Lucinda: "Stop"? You can't just arouse a woman and then yell "stop", even if you are English...
- Kitty: That's Henry's mother, the black sheep in the family. She took so many strokes in the '60s they called her the U.S. Open.
- Kitty: You practically date-raped me
- Tommy Patel: I what? I date-raped you 6 TIMES!
- Kitty: Well, perhaps I did encourage you a bit.
- Tommy Patel: A BIT!
- Brittle: Congratulations, sir.
- Henry Martin: Eh, you can kiss ass later, Brittle.
- Brittle: Thank you, sir.
- Adoption Agent: She insisted that you were adopted by a member of the working class to save you from the curse of money.
- Tommy Patel: How very thoughtful...
- CID Officer: We believe foul play was involved.
- Tommy Patel: Surely you don't think I...
- CID Officer: I don't think anything, sir. I'm a police officer.
- [after the moose-head falls down from the wall over Henry Martin]
- Henry Martin: Get me out of this moose!
- Tommy Patel: [talking about sex] You called me over!
- Kitty: And you came. And I forgive you.
- Tommy Patel: [sarcastic] Oh, how kind!
- Vicar at Hunt: Lord, who hath created all creatures, great and small. Grant that we may find, this day, one, or even two, that we may chase, and destroy, to thy almighty purpose, Amen.
- Tommy Patel: [voice-over, upon learning that Rick Moranis' house burned to the ground] I was doomed to an eternity in the fires of hell as a Christian and a horrendous rebirth as a Hindu.
- Tommy Butterfly Rainbow Peace Patel: Typical of police to suspect me of murder, the first time that I was innocent.