Laser mission

While roaming the dollar DVD bin recently, I picked out this 1990 action movie that stars the late Brandon Lee, Bruce Lee's son. The only movie from Brandon that I had previously seen is probably the only movie of his that you've seen, 1994's "The Crow," which made him a star but cost him his life. He was shot to death during filming of that movie by an improperly loaded gun. I knew that he had done a few minor movies before that but had never seen any.

I'm not endorsing "Laser Mission." From the opening credits I could tell that it was very cheaply done. And, at least on this DVD, the audio is about a full second behind the visual! The movie is about a maverick government agent named Michael Gold (played by Lee), who goes on a mission to save a scientist named Braun (Ernest Borgnine), who is being forced by the Soviets to build a nuclear weapon, combining a laser with a huge diamond. Great stuff! Brandon's acting is okay, as is Borgnine's. I like Brandon's sarcastic wit. But much of the rest of the acting is pretty amateur, especially that of his character's love interest, Alissa (Debi Monahan) who might pass for a decent porno actress.

The action scenes aren't bad for a low budget movie but the script is weak and loaded with '80s action movie clichés. And it's especially humorous to see Alissa - who looks and acts like a typical blonde, air headed bimbo - joining Michael in blowing away dozens of bad guys! She also does some pretty impressive driving - in a peace wagon, no less - while Michael blows away still more bad guys from the back seat!

But there are two things that make the movie worth the dollar for me. One is that parts of it are so bad that they're hilarious, including one time when Brandon and a guy who he's fighting both fall off of a building about 30 feet high and Brandon lands just gets up and walks away! The other guy wasn't so lucky, falling on the spikes of a fence and dying.

And the other thing I love about the movie is the music, done by none other than David Knopfler of Dire Straits. He has one straight ahead rocker that is played during the opening credits, closing credits and several times in between. I guess they were either on a tight budget so they could afford little music or they really loved that song! I think it's played six times during the movie!

I'm pretty sure that's the only vocal song in the movie. The instrumental stuff is great, too. I detect a little Pink Floyd influence in David's music.

One other note of unintentional humor from "Laser Mission," in the movie, Brandon's character wants the mission so bad that he's not doing it for the money. Yet the aforementioned song that's featured over and over is titled "Mercenary Man!" 3/10

I can't say much that hasn't already been said brilliantly. Obviously, many of you love the bad movies the way I do.

For those of you reading this who have not seen the film, I'll tell you exactly why you should watch it: It's Brandon Lee in a feature-length Mentos commercial. I kid you not. The look and feel of this movie simply scream "The Freshmaker." You know you want to see it now.

And just to correct one bit of info someone else posted, the one and only song used in this movie (over and over and over) is indeed by David Knopfler. David was not, however, in Dire Straits. That was his brother Mark. This movie was only able to afford David. Sorta like getting Ted Mellencamp. Not good.

Sometimes you just have to raid the DVD bin at the dollar store to have a good laugh with some friends. I found this jem today and promptly purchased it, sped home to toss it into my DVD player, and basked in the glory of my home theater.

Okay, not really. Obviously the movie is ripped from a VHS source, with the highly bleeding reds and hue saturation that would make a drag queen toss out his makeup bag.

The audio is pretty lo-fi, except for the odd instances where glass breaks and it magically turns into a life-like experience.

Brandon Lee reminds me of a young Bruce Campbell in this movie, believe it or not. Lots of corny dialogue and one-liners throughout. He gets beat up and shot at, and actually takes a few of the hits once in a while. There's TONS of continuity errors with the editing.

The accents are hilarious, as well as the spoken and written Spanish that was so poor I thought that I might have written it. Since I don't remember the movie actually saying they were in Cuba, it's funny to just imagine some fictional land of VW vans with unlimited fuel supplies, disappearing camels, and 400 mile deserts that are very easy to navigate through as long as you find a horse after it ran away a day ago.

The movie is actually somewhat fast-paced, unlike most of the garbage that was intolerable even while inebriated that I've grabbed up from the $1 bins.

Next time you run by it, pick yourself up a copy, then pour out some of your 40 in memory of the late, great, Brandon Lee.

We are entreated with a song that sounds like leftover sixties or a Hallmark love story; they keep playing it over and over and over. Michael Gold (Brandon Lee) independent agent or mercenary is tasked with bringing back or killing a laser scientist Prof. Braun (Ernest Borgnine) probably related to Eva. If the scientist's laser knowledge is crossed with the world's biggest diamond it will create, are you ready for this? Nuclear weapons. To do this mission Michael must team up with the professor's libeling daughter Alissa (Michael).

The only problem is that the CIA does not trust him. The daughter turns out to have an annoyingly negative attitude.

Is she for real as she can shoot, drive, and cross 40 miles of desert in high heels?

Is the professor what he seems as he seems chummy with the bad guys?

Is Sgt. Roberta (Maureen Lahoud) a sergeant or a girl? In any case, she is part of a Laurel and Hearty team.

Like a cheap Bond movie will Gold get the professor, diamond, and daughter? Does he want to?

After you get the bad taste of this movie out of your mouth, watch Ernest Borgnine put his accent to effective use in "Ice Station Zebra" (1968)

...not only did he have a short career and died before he was able to break out, but he starred in a TERRIBLE movie that somehow lost its copyright and is now widely available in bargain bins in Wal-Marts and K-Marts all across North America!

Those who like so-bad-they're-good movies may enjoy this, if they can get past Brandon's humiliation. His character is unbelievably obnoxious, with snide remarks and an egotistical attitude that make it hard to root for him. Still, there's a lot to laugh at here. Unbelievably cheap production values, unbelievably goofy dialogue, "comic" relief that's so bad that it becomes funny (though not in the way intended!), and Borgnine's bad German accent (which fades in and out!) Incidently, it looks like Borgnine knocked off his scenes with only four or so days of shooting!

One genuinely positive thing to say about the movie: some of the desert locations do look spectacular. If anything good will come out of this fiasco, it may be that it will inspire some filmmaker (B movie or otherwise) to use these desert locations as a good backdrop for a far superior movie.