Cromwell, el rey de los bárbaros

Ah, this brings back the memories.

This was one of the scariest movies I saw when I was young, and one of the best adventure/d&d movies. Some of the scenes were truly gruesome, especially the big monster bloke with the beating heart. I still remember grimacing as the hero puts his hand on the tree and one of the baddies fires an arrow into it, and when Talon is attached to the cross and has to pull his hands with big nails in them out. Ouch, that gave me the heebygeebees. Classic stuff for kids, although I nearly died with embarrasment (watching this beside my mum at the time) when Talon is being chased through the castle and crashes into the bedroom filled with beautiful bronzed naked women.

9/10 as a kid, but the cast do know it's trash and ham it up for what it is.

Albert Pyun's minor budgeted sword and sorcery foray is just as amusing now, as I remembered it to be and one of the better (if not one of the best) attempts of the over-flooded sub-genre that skyrocketed in the 80s. Never does it cop out on the ingredients that make this type of b-films fun. The wonderful camp level is high, as blood and flesh (topless mainly) run freely. Pace stays zippy, and while the pulpy story has cut and dry outline, it still has personality and a complex array of schemes to keep it excitingly brash, and not just relying on set-pieces. Don't go looking for a mythical medieval journey filled with a variety of beasties, and obstacles on this one though. It's the standard boy seeks revenge when grown up on the man who killed his family, and took over his father's thrown. The hacked-up script is colourfully tacky, but has an agreeable sarcastic edge and unpretentious novelties streaming off it. Sure there are some untied plot details, but never does it fault the entertainment. Yes its entertainment, that's better not to delve too hard in to. Pyun (in his directorial debut) confidently does a workable job constructing an epic scale treatment, by using his budget wisely. Enthusiastic set-designs, and prop work look respectable and are well-integrated. We get bravado sword fights, busting with adrenaline and guts. It's pure mayhem during certain stages, but commendably executed. Then there's the potent make-up FX that holds a vivid imagination, and brutal punch. David Whittaker spirited score chimes in largely, and overwhelms many sequences. Lee Horsley makes for a charming, brawn heroine and a lively Richard Lynch mercifully eats it up as the clichéd villain of the piece. Kathleen Beller stands tall with her bold performance, and makes for nice eye-candy. Simon MacCorkindale has a strong showing, and Richard Boll (in gooey make-up) stands out too in his role as a monstrous sorcerer. In solid support are George Maharis, Joe Regalbuto and a formidable Robert Tessier.

At the end during the credits there is basically something that says there is going to be a sequel, but there never was one. Kind of surprising they didn't considering this made 39 million back in 1982 which was a good take to say the least for that time. Considering it was rated R and didn't have anyone really big in it...the only person I recognize in the cast is Richard Moll. In the end though they didn't, which is too bad. This one is a good, bloody, fantasy film. The story isn't the best, but it has good action and sword fights, though the director really likes to show scenes where swords break like glass. As a kid I had trouble following the plot though as it was a bit hard to distinguish the good and bad guys, but later when I saw it, it was easier though I still say it could use a better plot.

One of the first fantasy adventure flicks to cash in on the success of Schwarzeneggar's Conan, The Sword and the Sorcerer has stuck in my mind over the past 30 years thanks to its relatively high level of gore and female nudity. Unfortunately, what I couldn't remember was just how crap the less exploitative elements of the film are. Lame fight scenes, a confusing meandering plot, half-assed humour, characters with really dumb names, wooden acting, and terrible direction: they're all here in abundance.

Let's concentrate on the positives then...

Pop this one into the player and you'll be greeted by a surprisingly good opening scene in which ancient sorcerer Xusia, resurrected to help villain Cromwell (Richard Lynch) in his quest for world domination, demonstrates his power by using magic to tear the heart from a witch. Some decent splattery make-up effects easily make this one of the best parts of the whole film. Juicy!

Not much later and we get to see the film's titular sword, a truly impressive piece of weaponry—triple bladed, with two of these blades able to be fired from the hilt at high velocity. This is inherited by young warrior Talon after Cromwell ruthlessly slaughters his family and their people. Boo hissss!

Years pass, the story gets awfully convoluted and characters come and go, but at least we get some scantily clad wenches to help take our minds off the sloppiness of the script, best of all being buxom, doe-eyed beauty Alana (Kathleen Beller), who along with her brother Mikah (Simon MacCorkindale) is plotting a rebellion against Cromwell. They hire the now grown up Talon (played by Lee Horsley) to help their cause. Cool!

Talon gets in lots of fairly bloody but badly choreographed fights, encountering more semi-clothed women along the way, but is eventually captured and crucified, large nails piercing both his hands. He gets free, of course, and with the help of Mikah, some friendly seadogs, and a few farmers, defeats Cromwell's soldiers. During this fight, we get a brief but really gory shot of a head being cleaved in two. Nice!

The end of the film sees Talon, armed with his massive weapon (oo-err), chasing down Cromwell only to be confronted by Xusia, who has been masquerading as Cromwell's evil adviser Machelli. Here we get another decent effects scene as the sorcerer sheds his human guise, tearing away the flesh from his face and arms. Yuck!

However, as enjoyable as certain individual moments are, the movie as a whole is a mess, a distinctly mediocre fantasy that I imagine will have many viewers fast-forwarding through in order to get to the next 'good bit'.

This is a wonderfully well-done feature with top marks for its value in sheer fun.

If you're not into fantasy, see this anyway as a great swashbuckler a la the Errol Flynn-as-hero genre. (And Lee Horsley even resembles Errol throughout this film, which I was fortunate enough to see theatrically at time of release.)

There are terrific villains galore, rip-roaring adventure, great castles and dungeons, complicated skullduggery, and comeuppance aplenty, all done with delicate humor.

This is great screen entertainment with a '40s-'50s look to it, and that's a compliment. There are no wasted moments. The fast-moving story relies much more on quality writing, acting and expert direction rather than copping out with the sort of elaborate special-effects that producers/directors of such films seem to lean on so heavily now, nearly two decades later.

I think it's a classic, and a model, of its type.

Highly recommended to all except small children.