The Ups and Downs of a Handyman

A recently married young couple arrive in a quaint English village and - through fate - he starts to become very successful as a local odd job man. Although his success has little to do with his skill at fixing-and-making-good!

The above sentence might make this sound like a legit film like The Godfather and The Shawshank Redemption, but can I quickly dismiss such thoughts. Indeed consider the thought shot-down-in-flames. This is a straight out, head-on, show-me-the-money, no prisoners taken, attempt to exploit money from a soft-core sex romp.

(What the comedians call a "cold weather film" - you want to turn your collar up as you leave the cinema!)

The sex film is unique that it doesn't need any plot device or central theme. Indeed we reviewers get embarrassed by such omissions and try and pretend to see one ourselves.

Here the lead is a male Emmanuelle - someone who falls victim to other people's agendas: Unlike so many of cheap guy-trying-to-cop-off British sex comedies he never takes the sexual lead.

However when the housewife strips off, lays across the bed, mimes a quarter to three with her legs our hero catches on that there may be more to the job than fixing the bed leg. Like the household dog who sees a wild rabbit - he returns to his primitive self. However in post coital bliss he turns to his former state as the slow affable moron.

To link together and scenes and fill time we have weak comedy in the form of a spank happy Lord of Manor and a snooping policeman - who has nothing better to do then watch the antics of our bumbling hero. The village, obviously, being crime free.

(Bob Todd and Chic Murray - Lord and Policeman respectively - were respected character/comedy actors in their day, although long gone to the great music hall in the sky.)

The director (John Sealey) hardly worked again and you can see why! Is there anything more depressing than third rate dialogue captured on a genuine 35 mm film camera? It is almost a crime against cinema itself. This should be on Super 8!

For a moment I dream, and in this dream I win the lottery and move in to this village of sex starved zanies - where behind every door is a frustrated wife or a horny daughter with the IQ of a fish and the dress sense of a desperate stripper. If only such a place existed and I could move in - or even take a two week a year holiday.

This film has recently been given what I would describe as a sneak showing on a local TV channel. It was shown at a normal evening viewing time and was just listed as a British comedy, with no mention of sex-comedy or adult film to be found in my program guide. I believe the best British comedies, such as "Passport to Pimlico", are unmatched and I decided to watch it. I was quite startled to find that it was an unabashed and totally uninhibited sex comedy, with at least as much nudity as in any other film I remember seeing. I was recently amused to read a newspaper report about an author who has published a book listing nude appearances in films, and detailing their duration and the anatomical features displayed. I found it very hard to credit that someone should spend their time creating such a reference work, or that having done so they could find anyone willing to spend money buying it. However the article was quite serious and the author, when interviewed, reported that he could process most films very quickly - the only one which had taken him a considerable time to review fully had been "Showgirls". It appears that he has never seen this film which features far more nudity than "Showgirls"!

This film is a farce, comparable in many ways with the British "Carry On" series of films. It is probably best regarded as a more modern replacement for the Victorian erotic postcards that used to be so popular a century ago. The main story is of a young couple who have to move to a small country town where work is not plentiful. The husband attempts to make a living as the local handyman, but his shop window advertisement somehow conveys a message to the lonely women who see it, that he is offering other types of services. His role is supplemented by a series of kinky characters including an elderly man who enjoys spanking girls (a very Victorian theme), an amateur glamour photographer looking for models, and an incredibly inept policeman, all are portrayed outrageously to create a comedy with very broad humour. There is no real acting as all the characters are caricatures, but the film is reasonably well made and - if you are prepared to watch this type of humour - is enjoyable to view at least once. My personal view is that such films are far less socially harmful than most of the unnecessarily violent action/adventure films which today hardly ever raise the public's eyebrows. However anyone buying it, or seeing it in a cinema or on TV should be aware of what to expect. Viewers with other expectations are likely to class it as an example of the ultimate turkey.

Normally this would be a film which would leave a viewer with nothing to think about, but in my case I found myself facing the weighty question of whether this film is likely to be released again soon as one half of a two feature DVD for home viewing; and if so what could be chosen as a suitable companion film to pair with it? Perhaps "Can you keep it up for a week?" might have made a possible pairing; but although this is in my view a much less successful film, it has somehow already made DVD status on its own.

We enjoy watching British sex comedies - there is great enjoyment to be had watching the comparatively innocent antics of hapless male protagonists trying desperately to get their end away.

The Ups and Downs of a Handyman barely stands up as entertainment even on the undemanding terms of British sex comedies. It is as boring as hell and has production values (and we use the term loosely) that make the Confessions series look like something from the Golden Era of the Hollywood studio system.

Barry Stokes makes for an objectionable protagonist - the arrogant theme song "wouldn't you like to be me" (not, really) gets the viewer off on the wrong foot. Instead of wanting to see Stokes f**k, you just wish he would f**k off. Robin Asquith at least had charm and a likable quality that endeared him to male and female viewers alike, come to think of it, even Jeremy Bulloch as Gil Masters in Can You Keep it up for a Week? was a more sympathetic character than Barry Stokes' Bob.

This was released on video with the cash-in title of Confessions of an Odd-Job Man, but the title fooled few people, as this catchpenny knock-off is quite simply appalling.

Avoid it in the same way that you would avoid and aggressive, hydrophobic dog foaming at the mouth.

Very bad sex British sex comedy from the 1970's. The film has reasonable amounts of nudity, but it is most remarkable for the truly appalling attempts at comedy. Did people find this sort of thing funny then? Or would they not show films in the cinema if they were just 90 minutes of nudity? But worst of all is the films title song - it must rank as one of the worst of any film, any time.

Let's just say that this one is pretty ugly. The sex scenes are terrible, the ladies won't cause even the likes of Christina "The Alien" Aguilera to lose any sleep in the beauty department, there are scenes that were stolen from "Benny Hill" (including the famous speed running scenes), and yes, the theme song is awful. Still, it's wicked fun to watch Barry Stokes (as The Handyman) find sex everywhere he goes. At least that's what you'll find in the "real world". You'd be lucky to spend an afternoon with Christina "The Alien" Aguilera.