Double Agent 73

I had heard this was an unbelievable movie before I actually watched it, but even that didn't prepare me for what I witnessed when I sat down to watch it. Where should I start? Well, I'll start with star Chesty Morgan. She is an extremely unlikely movie heroine. She's not very attractive, for one thing. Although she was in her 30s when she appeared in this movie, her face looks about 15 years older than her actual age. Then there are those gigantic... well, you know. I did not find the constant revealing of them to be erotic in any way. They look grotesque and unnatural.

The way that the movie was filmed just makes the experience even worse. It was obviously shot silently, and director Doris Wishman tries in vain to hide this by long periods of time with no talking. And when people do talk, most of the time it's shot in a way where you don't see the speaker's face and moving lips. Wishman also brings in next to no production values to the movie, resulting in such things as a hospital sequence shot in someone's house. But the biggest sin Wishman makes is that the movie is so boring. There's almost no plot, and even with just a 73 minute running time it goes on and on past the breaking point. This movie is a chore to sit through

Doris Wishman followed up the immensely successful Deadly Weapons with this all-you-can-eat lunatic buffet. Ivan Toplar and his gang are flooding the market with bad smack. Who is the only secret agent with the stuff to bring down these slimebags? Burlesque grotesque Chesty Morgan, the girl who makes Candy Samples look like an ironing board! As Jane Genet, Agent 73, Chesty has her vacation at the nudist camp (!)--dig the hilarious cuts between literary-minded Chesty and a puppy--interrupted by this little assignment. So she puts on her red-and-black rhinestone-studded platforms and hits the streets, eliminating the bad guys and taking photos with a tiny spy camera (complete with flash) implanted in her humongous left breast. The deaths are violent, and the victim's last sights are shaky, blurred shots of Chesty's mountainous mammaries. What a way to go.

This violent, uproariously crazed excuse for Chesty to unsnap her bra and maul those monsters (FLASH-CLICK!) is like Deadly Weapons ratcheted to new heights of inanity (if such a thing could be possible). Who better to carry out a top-secret mission than the most conspicuous person in the world? And if her physical appearance weren't eliciting enough looks, the peroxide-wigged Miss Morgan's wardrobe is even frillier and sillier than before--the prime offender being a white-on-red polka-dotted number straight from Clarabelle's closet. Chesty's dubbed voice has a slightly harder edge this time around, but her acting has, thankfully, not improved. Her face is expressionless for ninety percent of the running time; occasionally she smiles, as if being ordered to at gunpoint, and Band-Aid removal brings a grimace of vague bewilderment that must be seen to be disbelieved. Though the dialogue is mostly in sync, Doris Wishman still indulges in her trademark cut-aways and obsessive close-ups of feet (giving us great views of the star's endless arsenal of platforms and spike heels). Then, in an unexpected "poetic" shot, backlit Chesty holds her ruffled robe aloft and whirls for no discernible reason. And of course, the car chase, where Chesty and her pursuer drive the legal limit as the film is sped up.

A third Chesty epic was planned but never made, since Wishman found the star unbearably difficult to work with. Even more unfortunate is the fact that, after working with Fellini, the Polish sight gag--I mean, STAR--never made another film, and has since completely disappeared (how could she hide?). Some say that Chesty (Lillian) is now living in Florida, but...who knows? O Chesty, where art thou?

In a comment I wrote about Doris Wishman's 'Nude On The Moon' recently I described it as one of those cult "classics" that you only really watch just so you can say you've seen it. Well this is even more the case with 'Double Agent 73', a movie which is literally a chore to sit through. Despite having a running time of just over an hour and ten minutes I'd say it's still about twenty minutes too long. Wishman's freakish discovery Chesty Morgan plays super spy Jane Genet (hyuk, hyuk) a.k.a. Agent 73, cos she's got a 73 inch bust, see? Chesty can't act to save her life, and is seriously unsexy. I really don't see her appeal, and it's no real surprise that her career as an actress was short lived. The plot? Agent 73 is called in to help kill drug lord Toplar. She's given an address book with some leads but as no one knows what Toplar looks like she's told to photograph all the bad guys she kills, and they'll sort it out later. She does this via a camera surgically implanted in her left breast. Some of her methods of execution are also novel. My fave is death by ice cubes. If you're a big time fan of Seventies sleaze you might enjoy 'Double Agent 73' a lot more than I did, but my response was a yawn and please pass me the Russ Meyer.

Double Agent 73 (1974)

* (out of 4)

I guess the only thing you really need to know about star Chesty Morgan is that her measurements are 73FF-32-36. If you must know about the plot to this sexploitation pic then Chesty plays an undercover agent who is trying to clean out some mean heroin dealers. The plot twist here is that Chesty has a camera inserted into her boob so that she can squeeze them and take a picture of the people she's killing. Why that plot twist? So she can walk around topless of course. If you're looking for any type of quality then you've obviously never seen a film from exploitation master Wishman as anything good really isn't her cup of tea. There's no question that this is a horrid movie but it's somewhat like a car wreck because no matter how brutal or ugly it gets you still can't turn your head away. As for Chesty I guess it goes without saying that she's a horrible actress. For the life of me it seems like she's incredibly unhappy or confused about being in this movie as she looks as if she's in pain or perhaps drugged. Either way, her performance is pretty bad as are her dubbed lines (apparently her Polish accent was too rough). We're not here to see her act though as everyone is coming to see her 73FF friends and I must admit that they did nothing for me. I can't say I found them erotic, sexy or interesting. I just saw them as freaks in a freak show. The film appears to have been shot silent with all the voices added in post-production, which is something Wishman did quite often in her films. The low-budget nature of the film actually helps it as everything from the music score to the editing to the direction is pretty bad. This is pure exploitation so I'm sure people will enjoy sitting around with their friends and making fun of everything that's going on.

bad acting...poor camera work...bad continuity...god-awful polyester plaid flare pants...obvious wig..poor dub-overs. Having said that, this film is hilarious!! If only John Waters had been a consultant!!!

This film follows the story of an undercover detective named Jane, played (lethargically, as if she were a robot in the EPCOT hall of presidents) by Chesty Morgan. For her next assignment, it will be necessary for Jane to get photographs of important documents and enemy spies. A camera is implanted in her left breast, necessitating that she remove her bra to use it. (again, and again, and again) The camera has a self destruct device to ensure that the evidence gathered will not fall into the wrong hands.

With all of the talent and expressiveness of a quaalude junky and the fashion sense of Maude Finley, Chesty sets off and lands in one run-in after another with thugs, creeps, and low-lifes with only her wit and savvy to protect her. Will she make it back to home-base before the camera (and her only assets) destructs? Will she be able to settle down and finally enjoy the satisfaction of a loving relationship? Will she stop buying all her shoes at Frank-N-Furter's garage sales?

This film is one of those that would have been perfect for Mystery Science Theatre 3000. It has previously been in the series of 'Joe Bob Brigg's sleaziest movies of all time' collection.