Was Schulmädchen verschweigen

Healthy dollops of Bavarian cheesecake from sleazemeister Hofbauer, who practically invented the Schulmadchen (`Sex Report') film in the late 60s. Sex Reports were a staple of grindhouse fare for those requiring their cheesy entertainment disguised as a documentary, framing the softcore shenanigans with a stern moral lesson from a social worker, psychiatrist or other authority figure (I'm still trying to track down Hofbauer's hilariously misguided Girls At The Gynecologist). Secrets... is a product of a more liberal era than the early Sex Reports and tones down the moralizing, though keeps in a running debate between a doctor and a priest. The vignettes range from comic to the bizarre (virgin sacrifice) to the outright repellent (an early episode involving a child molester). Schizo and very strange.

I know nothing about this German director or his Schoolgirl Report series (of which this may or may not be officially attached to), but I do know a sleazy movie when I see one. Secrets of Sweet Sixteen is comprised of a number of "skits" (or so it says on the box). Aside from a couple "wacky" endings, I don't think either skits OR what is written in the synopsis on the back cover (sinister implications) are accurately describing what you're getting into with this movie.

The movie is episodic, a series of slices of (sex) life and encounters. I'd say the stories range from offensive to mildly amusing, but the real appeal here is the sleaze factor. I actually found it to be fairly unpredictable, and I lost track of the number of times I said "What in the F" out loud. I suppose, only in Germany. I think I can safely say (save for one encounter) that the ages of the ladies depicted in the movie do not reflect the title (the title is some misleading shock value). I WILL say, however, that these ladies are young enough to show off their perfect bodies. There is absolutely no shortage of beautiful women going full frontal, you might say there is an obscene amount of female nudity in this picture. And that might be its sole appeal, so if you're a pervert like me, and like your 70's exploitation with a heaping helping of (mostly) attractive bare flesh (and don't think I didn't notice the plethora of hooker boots), then I can highly recommend this. If you're looking for ANYTHING else, get lost! Maybe this movie can serve as a foreign curiosity, but be prepared for an eyeful!

The final sequence with the satanic wrestlers gets kind of hairy, I mean they throw 4 guys on top of each other (again, unexpected), then the wrestlers show up for the virgin's wedding? Say what? After what is alluded to at the end?! So I guess there's some mystery to be found, as well.

How this director corralled the caliber of women he got to do the things they do, is kind of mind-boggling. Assuming Germany is another country less uptight about sex. In my experience, the best porn is foreign porn. It never fails. There are foxier ladies doing dirtier things in them, as opposed to the homegrown (US) stuff. I said it.

Secrets of Sweet Sixteen (1973)

** 1/2 (out of 4)

Another entry in Germany's long running "report" series, which director Hofbauer was an expert at since he was behind the camera on this as well as countless others in the SCHOOLGIRL REPORT series. I'm really not sure why this one here wasn't in the SCHOOLGIRL REPORT series as this here contains the basic premise. Here we get several "stories" about teens and the troubles they can get into. One deals with a daughter learning of her mother's lover and going to meet him for herself. We have a nerdy boy afraid to have sex so his friend hooks him up with a beautiful girl (Christina Lindberg). Next up is a strange one where a post master believes his delivery man wants his daughter. The final story deals with a group of Satan worshipers needing a virgin for their sect but not being able to find one. If you're a fan of these German sex comedies then I'm sure you'll enjoy this one. It's not quite as good as the entries in the SCHOOLGIRL REPORT series that I've seen but it's certainly better than many others out there. I think the best story is probably the first one as it contains some pretty goofy sequence including constant flashbacks to a women's club where they are trying to lose weight and taking mud baths to stay young. Whatever this had to do with the actual story is beyond me but it does give us a few laughs. The weakest story is probably the one dealing with the dorky guy because there are so many opportunities for laughs but the film never really goes for them. Fans of Lindberg, myself included, will still enjoy the episode just for her. The film gets off to a pretty tasteless start as a pedophile lures a kid away from a school only to be "hypnotized" by a couple girls who hold him until the police arrive. I'm really not sure why this was put in the film but it probably should have been cut (even though this production comedy and director would make a film called 14 AND UNDER).

Fans of this genre (i.e. 70s European soft-core/nudie stuff) will be happy with this film. Although it begins with an uncharacteristically disturbing (attempted) rape scene, it recovers nicely as two of the heroines dis-robe to keep the bad guy occupied until the police arrive. After that, it's fun & games. A lot of nudity as you would hope and expect, the film is a series of erotic encounters with young and beautiful women (who are DEFINITELY and safely over the age of eighteen, so ignore the title). The particular copy I saw was from a video store and had some obvious edits during a few of the predictable scenes, probably to keep it within an "R" rating for U.S. audiences. Anyways, if you enjoyed those 70s naughty B-features at the drive-in and you happen to come across a copy of this film, it's worth a look.

For the most part, this is a run-of-mill softporno, as so often in German films from this period consisting of a number of episodes around a general 'schoolgirl' theme. What makes it unusual though, and interesting from a 1990's perspective, is one episode of extreme political incorrectness. Erich Padalewski plays a paedophile whose selected victims prove more sexually demanding than he can handle. The briefness of this episode increases the mood of nonchalance which is completely absent from similar contemporary American films like Warfield's Teenage Innocence.