- Judge Bryson: [to Nick] You mean your own mother charged you with bigamy?
- Grace Arden: I certainly did.
- Judge Bryson: I hope you remember this on Mother's Day.
- Bianca Steele: Your Honor, may I please have your permission to get out of here before I explode?
- Judge Bryson: I'd like to go home myself. I'd like to tell my wife about this. She thinks all my cases are dull. This one's a doozy.
- Nicholas Arden: [describing Ellen's memorial service] There wasn't a dry eye in the congregation.
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden: Oh, gosh, I wish I'd been there.
- Nicholas Arden: I-if you had been there, there wouldn't have been a service.
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden: Oh. That's right.
- Judge Bryson: Well, are you gonna answer the question or is she going to talk for you the rest of your life?
- Grace Arden: You'll be at the hotel before they arrive.
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden: I can't DO that, Grace!
- Grace Arden: WHY can't you? You're his wife.
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden: So is she.
- Grace Arden: She's his bride.
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden: What's he difference?
- Grace Arden: A honeymoon, and you're not goin' to let them have one.
- Mr. Codd: I'd like to know what he thinks he's doing.
- Hotel Desk Clerk: I'd like to know how he does it.
- District Attorney: Your Honor, in effort to expedite matters in this somewhat unusual hearing, we pray decisions on a number of legal actions filed concurrently, all of which are components of one basic familial disturbance.
- Judge Bryson: [bemoaning] Sounds like something The Court of Appeals is gonna reverse me on already.
- Judge Bryson: Where'd you study law, anyway?
- Nicholas Arden: Harvard, sir.
- Judge Bryson: Yeah, I might have known. Yale man, myself.
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden: Child? Oh! Nick is not a child.
- Grace Arden: No, he's not that smart. He's only a man.
- Nicholas Arden: You out of your mind?
- Grace Arden: Just a little. I can't quite seem to adjust: two daughters-in-law for only one son.
- Nicholas Arden: Well, as long as you had only one, why'd it have to be me?
- Nicholas Arden: [muttering as he walks through the hotel lobby] My wife is alive. My wife is alive. My wife is alive.
- Seymour: So's mine, buddy. That's why I drink!
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden: Oh, Grace. There was a man on that island with me.
- Grace Arden: How marvelous. No wonder you look so well. But, you silly girl, why did you tell Nick?
- Bianca Steele: Oh, you are such a comfort, doctor. You know, I truly believe the most vital relationship a woman can establish is not between man and wife. It's the relationship between a woman and her analyst. Don't you agree, Dr. Schlick?
- Dr. Herman Schlick: Call me Herman.
- Judge Bryson: And you down there, stop that whispering. This is a court of law, not a public library.
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden: Don't take advantage of me just because I'm a woman.
- Nicholas Arden: You're my wife.
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden: One of them.
- Nicholas Arden: Yeah. Hey, I really have to do something about that.
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden: Yes.
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden: [pretending to be a Swedish nurse] What if Mr. Arden's first wife didn't was dead?
- Bianca Steele: What an idea!
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden: When I was a little girl in Sweden, I went once to the movies. Poor Cary Grant thought his first wife was dead, so he married another lady. But Irene Dunne, who was the first wife - she come back.
- Bianca Steele: Movies. When do movies ever reflect real life?
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden: Ja. But suppose Mr. Arden's first wife was to come back? Like Irene Dunne done - did.
- Judge Bryson: [to the District Attorney] Did you say she wanted an annulment?
- Bianca Steele: I most certainly do, your Honor.
- Judge Bryson: Now even my marriages are being reversed on me. What was wrong with it?
- District Attorney: Well, as usual in such cases...
- Judge Bryson: Unkissed, you mean?
- Bianca Steele: Un-anything!
- Judge Bryson: [smirks at Nicky] Heh! Harvard man.
- Mr. Codd: Mr. Arden, as a resident manager of this hotel I find it my duty to inform you that when a man takes a room here we expect him to go to that room with his own wife. We do not expect that wife to be paging him constantly when he is next door dallying with another woman.
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden: Dallying? Oh, he's not dallying.
- Bianca Steele: Has Your Honor ever considered psychotherapy?
- Judge Bryson: Are you one of those couch nuts?
- Bianca Steele: Stop squirming, darling.
- Nicholas Arden: I'm not squirming.
- Bianca Steele: Oh, poor baby's trembling.
- Nicholas Arden: I'm not. I'm not trembling. Now, please, Bianca, don't do that.
- Bianca Steele: Oh, I can't help it. You're so male. Hmm...
- Mr. Codd: My dear sir, as a hotel manager of many years experience I can sniff hanky-panky in an air-conditioned building.
- Nicholas Arden: Hanky-panky?
- Bianca Steele: You're just like all the others. Every husband I ever had-only thinking of themselves.
- Mr. Codd: There's only one thing we ask. That you restrict yourself to one suite, one wife. That's the American way.
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden: Waas no miracle. Waas just the touch in fingers. Oh, I give yoou massage tooo! Very good.
- Grace Arden: I'll have a little talk with her about your duties.
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden: And I'll have a talk with him about his.
- Bianca Steele: With your clothes on?
- Nicholas Arden: I can do it better with my clothes on, believe me.
- Bianca Steele: Come on, darling. Take off your shirt.
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden: Is good special Swedish massage. I walk up and down your back!
- Bianca Steele: On my back? With your shoes on?
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden: Is - is wonderful for the spine!
- Judge Bryson: You ought to be ashamed of yourself, ma'am- a woman your age marrying this man.
- Grace Arden: Marrying him? I happen to be his mother.
- Nicholas Arden: Dr. Slocum came forward to deliver the eulogy.
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden: What did he say?
- Nicholas Arden: Oh, what every one of us knew. That you were an angel on Earth, a wonderful mother, a devoted wife, credit to the community, and a darn good sport.
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden: I thought that you might think what I thought you were thinking, you know, when you thought that.
- Judge Bryson: Don't argue with me. I'll fine you $25 for contempt.
- Ellen Wagstaff Arden: How can you fine a corpse? I'm still legally dead.
- Judge Bryson: Then I'll declare you legally alive.
- Nicholas Arden: If you do that before the annulment, Your Honor, I'll be guilty of bigamy.
- Judge Bryson: I should've played golf today, arthritis and all.
- Judge Bryson: Now, what bumbling idiot ever declared this perfectly healthy-looking young woman dead?
- Nicholas Arden: Well, you did, Your Honor.
- Judge Bryson: [to the clerk] Oh. Uh, strike my last remark from the record.
- Judge Bryson: You look familiar, young lady.
- Bianca Steele: I hope so, Your Honor. You married me.
- Judge Bryson: No, I married a little, short, fat - oh, you - you mean to him.
- [points to Nicky]