Confidentially Connie

This is very possibly the worst movie I ever watched. But my wife and I sat through it, remarking later that it was as riveting as a slow-motion train wreck. This movie is so bad, we wondered how it was ever put on film. From initial premise to final scene, everything about this movie is the pits.

The premise of the movie is that the faculty at a small Maine college (symbolizing small colleges, in general) is so underpaid that putting red meat of any kind on the table is an extreme luxury, and a real budget-buster. On the other hand, they have money to eat plenty of fish and pay for loads of vitamins. The economics of this film also permit sacrificing cigarettes in order to eat lamb chops. In 1950 how much did cigarettes cost - 20 cents a pack? Whew, that seems like a lot of foregone smoking!

The meddlesome parent of a newlywed couple is hardly an original idea for comedy, but here it never generates a smile. The young couple are portrayed by Janet Leigh and Van Johnson. After his initial appearance, Van Johnson portrays his character as Hamlet, Prince of Denmark, in the deepest of tragedies. Meanwhile, Louis Calhern, Johnson's "Pop" up from Texas, is hamming it up as a wealthy cattleman. Janet Leigh, somewhere in between, seems to think she is June Cleaver before giving birth to Wally. The director never seems to have any of them pulling in the same direction at the same time, consequently the boat just goes 'round and 'round and eventually capsizes.

The preoccupation with meat makes for one of the most bizarre plots ever made into a picture by a Hollywood studio. It was so freaky that I admit to never paying attention to whether the lines, themselves, if delivered by other actors under the direction of another director might have been funny. Let me think... NAAAAH, No Way! But, if you are a movie junkie and want to see a historically bad film - and I don't mean cheesy, like some B sci-fi flick - check this one out. You'll be puzzled hours after you watched it - "Just what hit me?"

I don't care for the leads but I am a fan of each of the supporting cast. I figured they would at least have a few good scenes. Not at all.

It is the same tired whine about teachers wanting more money. The twist is Janet Leigh is obsessed with meat to the point of it being vulgar. Personally, I think she was sublimating.

I almost always watch a film to the end but I had to turn this one off halfway through.

This picture had some great stuff going for it, based on a story by Max Shulman and Herman Wouk and a screenplay by Shulman and a load of great character actors as backup. Sadly it fails because of bad casting. This is a vehicle that was made for wisecracking actors like Jack Carson and Eve Arden. With the Shulman one liners coming a mile a minute Van Johnson and Janet Leigh just seem to dodge out of the way rather than play into the witty remarks. The lazy direction by Edward Buzzell doesn't help either. And it's not like there's anything the matter with the performances, just the use of the wrong talent on material better suited to actors with a Powell/Loy characterization. Come to think of it, this was in 53 and Powell and Loy were still under contract to MGM. That might have been a fitting farewell to the Nick and Nora team.

Connie has a problem. She wants meat. There is some suggestion that her craving is pregnancy related, but her meat obsession seems well engrained. A local butcher describes her as "knowing the price of every cut." This is not new for her, Connie is "meat people," the sort who might name their first born Chuck or Patty. Janet Leigh, the gorgeous movie star, tempts her guests with a tray full of steaks. Don't think anyone will disagree, this is a weird film.

The whole meat crazy town explodes with a meat price war with angry mobs, meat investment schemes, and political intrigue. One Meatville citizen refers to their freezer full of meat a "our own little Fort Knox."

Connie's craving erupts early when she gives up smoking (oh no!) to buy 4 lamb chops. Should she be trading one vice for another? She looks up all dreamy-eyed at the table and says with her wide eyes "Why you know how I feel about ... meat." When Paw presents her with a sirloin strip, Connie admits she rates meat above jewels, minks, or money.

The old professor delays news of his decision on the big promotion so that he can enjoy the meat laden dinners at the homes of brown-nosing job candidates. Then, he accurately predicts the beef stew for dinner that night. Our couple moves into the lead on the job opening by serving a superior cut of meat.

Turns out Connie's husband, Joe, comes from a ranch, a successful producer of what my uncle called meat-on-the-hoof. After Paw says, "Thar aint nothin better than meat," Connie weakens at the thought and halfway collapses against the door frame as if she were leaving a smitten lover. All she can think of is meat. Paw wakes up from a ridiculous dream and comes to the obvious conclusion, "That girl has got to have meat." I'd say this Connie is the most meat obsessed starlet I've ever seen.

The dated "Confidentially Connie" represents the era when people viewed meat as one of the healthiest foods, and also portrays a nuclear family (husband's the breadwinner, wife stays home and cooks). I think that the movie wants to see itself as a satire on the desire for success at any cost, but it comes across as a "Leave It to Beaver"-style story. True, the price war was funny, but now that we know that red meat causes heart disease and colon cancer (from which the carnivorous John Wayne probably would have died had he not smoked himself to death).

Basically, it's a hokey movie. And personally, having been to Texas but never Maine, I can say that I'd never trade Maine for Texas.

PS: Hayden Rorke, who played Simmonds, is best known as Dr. Bellows on "I Dream of Jeannie".