Pet Graveyard

Okay, well with a title like "Pet Graveyard" I was expecting a mockbuster cashing in on the "Pet Semetary" movie. Maybe even from the always hilarious The Asylum. But no, that was not to be. Expectations averted.

Right, well I managed to endure just less than 1 hour of the ordeal that is known as "Pet Graveyard" before I gave up out of sheer and utter boredom and hopelessness. This movie was laughably poor in terms of proper storyline and entertainment value. It took director Rebecca Matthews about one hour to portray something on the screen and in the storyline that could and should have been done in less than 15 minutes. There was so much wasted time in this movie that you can feel yourself age while watching it.

And I have no idea what writer Suzy Spade was thinking when coming up with the script and storyline for "Pet Graveyard". Seriously, is there no second eyes on projects to prevent movies like this to ever see the light of day?

I am not even going to bother delving into the storyline in greater detail, because it is so non-existing that there is little I could blabber on about. Essentially, it is about people killing themselves, only to be revived three minutes later. But during their time in the world beyond, something sinister is lurking. Oooohh. Aaaah... Oh (insert your own appropriate word here)!

The acting in the movie was mediocre at best, but the actors and actresses were given nothing to work with in terms of script, characters and storyline, so no wonder they were fighting an uphill battle and losing in a most horrible massacre.

If you enjoy horror movies, then do yourself a favor and stay well clear of "Pet Graveyard", because it is not even one of those cheesy knock-offs that are so fundamentally bad that they actually are fun to watch. This was just questionable on every level. I suffered through almost 1 hour so you don't have to, and believe you me, you are not missing out on anything. And I have zero intention of returning to finish the movie.

The cat had many wrinkles which brought me the only bit of enjoyment I got out of this movie.

I dont like being cruel......but.......Get an egg timer....a cat and some non credible acting and let's make a film....don't forget....don't even add humour to make up for it....result.....you've manage to waste both my time and possibly yours....unless you managed to con people with false advertising. ...I hope people agree I'm not being mean....it's ridiculously insulting on so many levels that I forget which level of rubbishness I'm actually on.

So you've written a bad script and you know a bunch of wannabe actors who aren't good at acting but they'll work for free plus one of them has a car you can use to transport your gear in and a sister you want to get to know a bit better, so you make a film and it's bad, so very very bad, the type of film that makes celebrity hidden sex tapes look like they were something filmed by Martin Scorsese, but you've learned a few things in your years working the graveyard shift on the drive through at Big Bills Burgers & Ribs, and one of those things is how to sell terrible products, so you call your film Pet Graveyard in the hope that people will mistake it for the new Pet Sematary because you know that that's the only way that you will get anyone to watch or buy your terrible film, I mean how hard can it be it's been working for The Asylum productions for years, and you've got to do something to get your $80 production costs back on this film because rent is due on Tuesday and your Mom/landlord is not a patient person.

Well it probably tricked some people, not me though, I torrented it because that's what films like this deserve. And after downloading my free copy of the film and suffering through its 90 minute runtime I then decided to do something to give back to society. First I burned the movie to disk and put it in a DVD case using a cover that my daughter specially designed for it that was covered in emojis of what looked like little brown blobs of icecream? It might have been something else I'll have to ask her, anyway, I then I went deep into the forest with just the movie and a shovel and dug the deepest darkest hole you could imagine, then I threw that dvd case and movie into the hole with all the satisfaction of a man who has just thrown a burnt dvd copy of a terrible movie he'd torrented into a hole he'd just dug, and proceeded to fill the hole in with a mixture of dirt and due to a weak bladder about a liter of bodily fluids, and I'm happy to report to you here and now that after 3 weeks and 7 hours 34 minutes the movie has not risen from its grave to haunt me or anyone else.

Worth 10 stars but I only gave it one star because I'm a contrary non conformist.

The writing is bad, the plot is bad, the acting is bad, but y'know what? I went in knowing it would be because of the clickbait title, and here I am, still alive. It wasn't that bad considering low budget horror movies.