tuckhead

I am far from an expert on musicals and my singing and dancing are subpar, but I thought Cats was ok. Not this movie but the play/musical whatever it's called with real people on a stage. This abomination gave me nightmares and I am an old dude. The story, music, and acting could have been amazing, but no one will ever know because visually the entire film is like a million fingernails scratching slowly down a million chalkboards. It was like Gilbert Gottfried singing the most beautiful song ever, the song itself is still good you just never know it because it is dressed in the worst visual effects ever. And James Corden, how is he a thing? He isn't funny, his voice is the vocal equivalent of the visual effects of this movie. I would rather put leaches on my eyeballs than be in the same universe where this doucherocket exists.

A disclaimer first: I am a nautical archaeologist and historian who focuses on maritime trade and warfare in the Americas. That sounds cool but is not as exciting as Tim Curry as Long John Silver. During my studies I always found an excuse to watch pirate movies instead of doing anything productive. This is one of the best pirate movies out there. This is by far my favorite Tim Curry role and second favorite Kermit role. I could bore you with the implications between piracy and the economies of maritime communities or how the dynamics of shipboard life is demonstrated through the film, but if my advisor thought I was crazy you probably will too. It's funny, good for the whole family, but does not really stand up as an exploration of economic motivations within the maritime communal webs of colonial North America.

I took my two daughters to see this and thought it would be a good forty dollar nap. It was not as bad as I thought it would be and I thought the girl that played Ariel was really good. Surprisingly, Melissa McCarthy was pretty good as Ursula. But, the dude who plays Prince Eric sucked. I mean his acting wasn't bad and he kind of looked like the cartoon guy, but his song hurt, it felt like I was listening to an 8-track of Ben Stein singing the hits of Mariah Carey in my grandfather's old Mercedes. And the bird, I am not sure who thought it was a good idea to have that abomination rap/sing but there have been better rappers in after school specials and D. A. R. E videos. What could have fixed all of this is having the world's greatest thespian play all the roles except Ariel, Ursula, and the Queen, Billy Zane could have single handedly saved the whole movie. I fell asleep right after the whole Ursula on the patio part and didn't wake up until they were getting ready to leave, so I am not sure how it actually ends, but my daughters liked it, so it must be appealing to young girls who think ketchup is a main course.