Cheesedemon28

[WARNING: This review contains some language and a whole lot of senseless

blathering about how fantastic Mike Nichols is]

All right, Nichols, you win.

I've been looking, I guess, for a favorite director for some time now. It was jumbled between Polanski, Fuller, Allen, and even Takashi Miike for awhile, but they all wane (slightly, mind you, but still wane) in awe at Mike Nichols.

I was wondering how this movie, being a relationship movie, would stack up

with audiences, to quote the film, to "that witch we do not speak of."* To be honest, it was about as divided, but I think it's a clear sign that since most of the people who came out of Closer who either liked it or hated it spoke with such vocabulary and a surprising, staunch lack of grammar. True quote: "Fantastic

movie... must... defenestrate... DVD collection." People literally are entranced by this piece of pure, unmitigated CINEMA, damn it!

The story is sparse. It is more about the feelings of the characters than the actual plot, but here's my take: couples cheating on one another. That's pretty much all you need to know plotwise. The plot does not fail in any way. In fact, the

minimalism is key to the reflection in the mirrors that are the script and acting. WHOOOOLY HECK. The dialogue as stilted as hell, and guess what? It works,

like a charm. It feels very much like the play it was scripted on, and that just gets me thinking: relationships really are like a play going on before you, and that's why people say things as trite as "do you think I'm ugly?" or "please, don't leave me." In any other movie (like the one by the asterisk at the end), this dialogue would have faltered, but the pure frankness of the events that unfold and the way that they are portrayed is genius. Julia Roberts, who I really don't like, gives her best performance, bar none, and she's incredibly convincing. In one

particular scene, she and Clive Owen are both as frank, biting, and funny as the movie they star in. Jude Law's truly shone this year in his pictures, and he

shines the brightest here (yep, even better than in Huckabees, and he was

pretty damn good in that one). Natalie Portman, though not nude, is probably

the best of the foursome. Admittedly, she has the best lines of dialogue, but only she could make them as funny and as tragic as they are.

The best thing about Closer? No matter how straightforward it is with breakups and infidelity, it never loses its sense of surreality, which is tough to pull off if your name doesn't start with an "R" and end with an "oman Polanski." The way

the film is shot is perfect: any scene that involves infidelity or a question of infidelity, the camera angles become obscure (not too obscure) so that the

unfortunate events playing out on screen become that much more effective.

So in all, how is it? Three words: "Life On Screen" or "Pure F'n Cinema."

Yep, it's that good. :)

*The movie referred to was indeed Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. And

unless you don't have a funny bone and are not in relationship, Closer dunks

Eternal Sunshine's head in the toilet bowl 98 times, one for each minute of film.

YES: IT'S THAT GOOD. :D

I've read a bit and found out about how Takashi Miike goes about making films. First off, it's almost never his idea for the film. A screenwriter or producer will contact him and then the ball will start rolling.

Here's the deal with Andromedia (the American title): Takashi Miike's prior film was The Bird People of China, which showed that he could actually direct an

audience friendly, traditional, and dare I say mainstream film. Miike was not terribly interested when someone contacted him about Andromedia. However,

he found an element of satire in the idea of the film, and I don't blame him. The plot of this picture is that a girl, Mai, dies, and her father, using the unexplained "magic" of computers, uploads her memories into an A.I system (cutely named

Ai). Oh, and there are two bad Japanese pop groups thrown into the system.

What emerges is Miike's stab at satire, at best. At worst, it's a sappy teen drama with poorly developed characters and an undefined plot. At the end of the film, you really do not realize what the villains in the film were up to. Ever. There is no motivation given for any of the villains. In fact, there is a double-betrayal towards the end of the movie that makes absolutely no sense at all.

So I chose to view the film as a satire, realizing that I had totally wasted my money expecting the usual from Takashi Miike (violence, sex, human emotions,

and dark, dark humor). Turns out I was not even granted good satire. The few

moments of hilarity come whenever boy-band Da Pump is on screen, especially

during their hilariously bad musical number, featuring pyrotechnics and bad

dance steps. Other than that, the film actually seems to take itself seriously. Which is really depressing considering how bad it is.

So, if you're looking for an interesting teen drama, don't bother. If you're looking for a satire, don't bother. And if you're looking for Takashi Miike, I don't know where the hell he went either.

4/10

Sorry, did I fall asleep? *yawn* Oh, right, Diva, I remember this movie. That's the plot less movie about the opera singer and the mailman, right? God what a shitty piece of poo. Yeah, I remember it didn't have much of a plot and the characters were mostly lame. Forgot what happened at the end. Something about bootlegging? Hmm. Pretty forgetful, I'd say.

Diva

Overall: D-

Acting: D It's bad.

Writing: F Wow it's very bad.

Direction: C- Could have been worse, but still sucks the big ass.

Style: F BOOOOOORING.

Music: B Not too bad, actually, could have been worse.