El Dangeroso

This mind-blowing documentary follows a 33-year-old virgin named Kelly who allows a devout Christian family to oversee her dating life. When a similarly devout Christian guy comes around, it seems Kelly may have finally found her husband-to-be. But a theological disagreement sends everything spiraling out of control.

Kelly seems like a sweet girl, but secular audiences may find themselves screaming at the screen as she essentially dooms herself to solitude.

This is a fascinating look into a hyper-religious subculture that leaves women devoid of agency. In the most terrifying scenes, the family's young daughters mirror the instruction they've been given, vowing that they must save their first kiss for their husband on their wedding day and that the groom should definitely "wear a Confederate uniform."

This is a haunting look at the dead ends some people pursue in the name of religion. As Kelly's mom watches hopelessly, her daughter throws away her future in the name of God.

Seek out this film and give it a watch. I would love a follow-up film to learn where all these people are now.

"Donnie Darko" is the end result of 47 Weekly World News headlines strewn together in random order. Over one hour and 45 minutes, it rams together time travel, a 6-foot imaginary rabbit, a Tony Robbins-esque motivational speaker with a secret (Patrick Swayze?!?), hypnotism, an elementary school dance troupe and a stray jet engine.

What does it all mean? Not much. Ham-fisted, nail-on-the-head symbolism practically smashes you in the face. A creepy fat girl dressed as an angel. A statue with a dog's head and a human body. An old woman nicknamed "Grandma Death" who keeps checking her mailbox. An eye wound. The creepy fat girl's earmuffs. Heck, one of the ending shots is an M.C. Escher drawing.

The filmmakers would also like you to marvel at their camera techniques. Look, it's tilted! Now it's going fast. Now, slow. Wait, now it's turning upside down! Aren't we creative?

And be sure to spot the zillion story lines, characters and scenes ripped from other (read: better) films. The courageous English teacher ("Dead Poets Society"). The watery tentacles ("The Abyss"). An imaginary rabbit ("Harvey"). The lead character, wearing a gray, hooded sweatshirt, and his Halloween-costumed friends riding bikes ("E.T."). Meditation on the sex lives of cartoon characters ("Mallrats").

So basically, you're left with a sullen Jake Gyllenhaal moping his way through someone's bad LSD-trip. By the end, you're supposed to have some great understanding of your place in the universe. But you're more likely to have a great understanding of why overwrought student films are a dime a dozen.

"Earth vs. the Spider" begins well enough. You've got the cliched intro to the hot girl next door and the comic book geek protagonist. Toss in a few obligatory bullies and you're ready to roll. But then the film gets the bright idea to throw out any potential for originality and starts regurgitating the plots of "The Fly" and "Spider-Man."

And as the movie heads downhill, it gathers badness until it becomes a rolling ball of suck. Predictability? Check. Hot chick remaining inexplicably loyal to hideously disfigured nerd? Check. Superfluous third nipple that lactates webbing? Check.

Give credit to Dan Aykroyd for being the only one to actually try to overcome the material. But Marlon Brando in his prime couldn't make you forget a papier mache spider head.